Quoted By:
The men’s room. The lavatory. The loo.
A sanctuary of relief, the 21st century restroom is the culmination of the centuries of knowledge and experience of countless men. Men who have sought a safe haven for “seeing a man about a horse” or “dropping the kids off at the pool”. The sanctity and renowned efficiency of the loo have been preserved over the millenia by a here-to-for unspoken social contract, an agreement on the types of behavior that are appropriate versus the types of behavior which are not.
With the cross pollination of global cultures resulting from modern technology such as the internet, it has become clear that this esteemed social contract is not universally embraced. In the interest of decreasing situations of lavatorial discomfort, and furthering the cause of peace and harmony in the world, Zarathustra Studios presents “Male Restroom Etiquette”.
I. Efficiency
For as long as they have existed, men’s restrooms have prided themselves on being far superior to women’s facilities due to their faster transaction processing time. The functioning of a restroom is directly dependent on the efficiency of the men using it.
Waste no time; this is vital. Walk in, do your business, wash your hands, walk out.
Never make eye contact. this could be seen as a proposition, and could result in a severe beating or unwanted sexual encounter.
Resist, at all costs, the temptation to let your gaze wander to any part of the body of a fellow occupant. whether their nether regions are of general interest to you or not.
II. Urinal Selection
When you enter the restroom always select the urinal that is as far away as possible from men who are using other urinals. Here are some illustrations of various urinal situations, and the proper course of action for each.
Situation number one: all urinals are empty. Correct action: take the urinal on either edge. This allows others to most effectively comply with the rules that are to follow.
Situation number two: one urinal is taken. Correct action: the urinal on the right is the optimum choice here. This minimizes the chance of any contact whatsoever with the other man in the bathroom.
Situation number three: two urinals are taken. Correct action: the middle urinal, which is equadistant from the other two occupants.
Situation number four: three urinals are taken. Correct action: no urinal is acceptable. The loo has now reached critical mass. leave and come back later or use a stall.
Under no circumstances should two adjacent urinals be in use at the same time.
III. Flushing
In most cases urinal flushing is optional; over time the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is widely considered to be mandatory. as for commodes the rule is, without qualification, always flush when you are finished. When you come upon an unflushed commode, leave it alone and use another.
IV. Noise Pollution
In general any noise in a public restroom which does not emanate from the plumbing is considered extremely undesirable. While grunting is highly inappropriate, some allowance is made for the occasional cough or clearing of the throat. Though astute adherers to male restroom etiquette avoid even these seemingly harmless utterances due to their ability to be interpreted as purposeful communication.
Speech is your enemy. Never ever under any circumstance say a single word while within a bathroom. Not to a friend, not to a lover, not to Jesus himself. Violation of this precept grates against all good things and the way of nature, corrodes the efficiency of the bathroom, and places the very fabric of our civilization in peril.
Take this example:
Ralph walks into the bathroom and unzips himself. While he is relieving himself, his best friend Charles walks in. they strike up a conversation about Linux and before long lose all track of time. So there they are, standing at the urinals discussing the advantages of open source development. Sammy walks in and desperately needs to drain the lizard, but he finds himself understandably unnerved by the two sociopaths in front of the urinals, who are wantonly violating the sanctity of the loo and laughing it up.
Sammy does the honorable thing, he silently moves to the stall farthest away from the impromptu chat room, only to discover that someone has missed the toilet with their monster loaf and now Sammy is standing knee deep in butt pudding. Sammy does the only thing he can do: he vomits all over the place while at the same time losing control of his bladder and unleashing a torrent of kidney juice in his pants.
Ralph and Charlie instinctively whirl around to see what all the fuss is about. It turns out that our prattling pair have not finished their own business, thus, hosing down each other, the floor, and even the soap dispenser with this morning’s mountain dew. Outraged, they make their way over the noise maker who they feel is responsible for their mess. And then they see the fullness of Sammy’s sad situation. And they do what comes naturally to any men in this gruesome scenario. Ralph and Chuck begin to ralph and chuck.
In 1954, Brooklyn born psychologist Abraham Lazlo published his “Motivation and Personality” in which he outlined the now-famous hierarchy of needs. This hierarchy is often depicted as a pyramid with the most basic of human needs on the bottom and the more advanced intellectual needs at the top. The basic premise is that human beings in general feel compelled to first see that their basic physical needs are met before their minds are free to dwell on higher worries. Ralph and Chuck for example were for the most part preoccupied with issues of achievement and respect, while Sammy had been engaged in the pursuit of a spouse in hopes of building a family.
In this precise moment, however, all three of these gentlemen find themselves in a crisis of the hierarchy; wherein a lower order need they had all moved beyond, namely hygiene, has suddenly come up very very wanting and is now the pursuit of basic physiological homeostasis that drives these three unfortunate mammals. Sammy, Ralph, and Chuck all simultaneously make a mad dash for the sinks and that’s when things really begin to degenerate.
Ralph, managing to kill his two combatants, begins to clean himself up. A security guard has heard the commotion and decides to take a look. The young man is shy on experience in his field, but instinctively he knows he’s going to need back up.
To make a long story short, the police are called in and a swat sharp shooter brings the situation some violent closure. A biohazard team is called in to clean things up. The lavatory is closed down and all the men are forced to either soil themselves or go to another building.
Two guys meet and they start a conversation.
Repeat.
This eventually leads to the destruction of organized society as we know it. As such, this rule may bear repeating: never ever under any circumstance say a single word within a men’s room.
–
Yes restrooms and human kind have come a long way from the days of squatting over a freshly dug cat hole in the noonday sun. All men of the world can find common ground in these simple rules of evacuation etiquette and the world will be one step closer to peace and harmony, knowing that one day we will collectively wipe poor hygiene habits from the face of the planet.
