Update 2024-03-27: Greatly expanded the "Samples" page and renamed it to "Glossary".
Update 2024-04-04: Added 5 million mid-2011 posts from the k47 post dump. Browse (mostly) them here.
Update 2024-04-07: Added ~400 October 2003 posts from 4chan.net. Browse them here.
Welcome to Oldfriend Archive, the official 4chan archive of the NSA. Hosting ~170M text-only 2003-2014 4chan posts (mostly 2006-2008).
>be in phlebotomy class to get a better job >nearly entire class is overweight >two landplanets in particular are always doing fat things >VY Canis Majoris and HAT-P-1 decide to draw blood from each other >get everything prepared >they can't fit in the procedure chair >they move to a desk and VY Canis Majoris puts her gloves on >tries to draw blood from HAT-P-1 >we only have 1 1/2 inch long needles, so they cannot draw anything >"No one can ever get my blood. Don't worry." >"Oh, me neither, nobody can find my veins. They're hiding." >hiding under 1 1/2 inch of fat >on your arm >how the fuck do you think this is normal >they aren't fucking hiding you are just fat
Today, we had a powerpoint slide that was a bit hard to read, so many of us scooted to the front.
>VY Canis Majoris notices the movement among the students >gets up and rushes as quickly as she could to the front >feel the building shake and bend under her girth >is going for the massage table, the most comfortable seat in the house >succeeds in her plan, gets there first, hops onto the middle of it >hear thunder, wonder why there is a storm when it was 80 and sunny earlier >oh god it's not thunder >oh god she broke the table >up front, a bewildered VY Canis Majoris is sitting between the pieces of the massage table >"I.. barely even sat on it." >"It must be poorly made.. " >"I swear, I barely even touched it! Don't you believe me!" >look to the teacher, back at her >teacher tells her to go back to her desk >she has to go to the opposite side of the room to go around all the tables to get back to her desk, because she cannot fit between two desks
It took everything I had to not burst into laughter and treats.
>be in library, exams, revising >Be DYEL mode, been going to gym for a month, nothing special, but noob gains. >Talk to built friend about gym and need for spotter for some stuff. >Fat chick, 4'11, who is somewhat in our group but has been a bitch for the last few months >Ask's my friend what we're talking about >She says we're talking about the gym >Friend makes a joke about me being built a year from now >We all laugh, because i'm DYEL >Fat chick makes comment "Anon built? I'd like to see the day" >Me: "I'd like to see the day you reach 5 foot" >She's literally stopped talking to me now >nothing of value was lost.
I know it's not great, but I have a few from McDonalds when I used to work that I can contribute.
>Went to ye marketplace tis morning for acquiring ye supplements >Maid known to me cometh towards and sayeth >"I must say thy appearance is like that of a stede. Hast thou been training in ye barracks?" >"Y-yes. Th-thanks, thou too." She desireth to fornicate
>be at McDonalds, my glorious 376lb body taking up the entirety of two chairs >hungry as fuck, chowing down on my two double big macs, boat of fries and extra large coke (trying to cut back eating a little) >fitasfaggot walks in, wearing a tight shirt to show off his disgusting overdeveloped abs >I watch him go up, order, and pay >"One Caesar's salad please!" >I yell at him "Shouldn't you be at Jenny Craig, musclehead? Along with your rabbit-food freaks?" >Restaurant erupts in laughter >fitfag bursts into treats, runs out of McDonalds without even taking his salad
>at party >girl starts talking to me >she's being extremely condescending >asks me why I work out >say "It's just a hobby. Something to do that I find fun" >she says loudly "well there must be something small you're trying to cover up" and her friends laugh in the background >I ask her to clarify her statement >she holds up her hand and makes her thumb and pointer finger about an inch away from each other >her friends laugh I walk away >can't leave because my car is boxed in >her and her friends keep leering at me the entire time i'm there
