Update 2024-03-27: Greatly expanded the "Samples" page and renamed it to "Glossary".
Update 2024-04-04: Added 5 million mid-2011 posts from the k47 post dump . Browse (mostly) them here .
Update 2024-04-07: Added ~400 October 2003 posts from 4chan.net . Browse them here .
Welcome to Oldfriend Archive, the official 4chan archive of the NSA. Hosting ~170M text-only 2003-2014 4chan posts (mostly 2006-2008). Threads by latest replies - Page 2
Anonymous !!0i2wYu+x0
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ITT: Weird, unusual, or awkward sexual experiences. I'll start.>Go over GF's house for blowjowski >Do the whole foreplay bullshit... >She unzips my pants >FUCKING PUMPED >She grabs my dick, but her grip tightens to the point where it slightly hurts >Her head slowly rises, her wide and buggy eyes meeting mine >Kind of scared >She speaks in a dead serious tone I've never heard come out of her mouth before >"MY DESTINY AWAITS." >Sucking commenses, as normal, but during and after the oral session I can't help but wonder why the FUCK she did that.
Anonymous
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blowjowski?
Anonymous
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Hope no one recognizes me from this post, but ok>Losing virginity >FUCK YES, the moment I dreamed >GF is tight, can only go in 3/4 inches >Kinda Zone out, can't feel due to condom >what's that sound...? >"NARWHALS, NARWHALS, SWIMMIN' IN THE OCEAN!" >No... >"CAUSIN' A COMMOTION!" >NO >"'CAUSE THEY ARE SO AWESOME!!!" >FUCKING WHY NOW!?
Anonymous
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>17 years old >Cuddling on my bed with my girlfriend, clothes all off >Haven't gone any further than clothes off and handjobs >Kiss her on the neck >She kisses me on the chin >Alternate kisses for a while, she starts to make it a game >Avoids my kisses, gradually moving down >Head right next to cock >I go to kiss her one more time, she pushes me down >I'm about to get head for the first time fuck yeah >Knock at the door >Dad yells, WHO WANTS POPCORN? >mfw the ultimate cockblock, girl doesn't want to continue >mfw I get head in the same manner maybe two days later so it all worked out
Anonymous
>>12838459 INFINITY DILDOES?
Anonymous
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>>12844912 MOTHERFUCKER.
lol the image was supposed to be:
Anonymous !1FFOdh16V6
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>friend plays prank with cigarette lighter on me >patch of facial hair on left side is now shorter >secretly use girlfriend's mascara to even it out >great idea at the time >go to dinner with girlfriend and her cousins >lean on hand, mascara everywhere >girlfriend gives me funny look >pokerface
Anonymous
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>be a kid >run mum a bath >drop one of those alien slime things into the bath >"thanks for running me a bath anon" >"No problem mom" >POKERFACE >several minutes later >she screams >"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN HERE >pokerfacepokerfacepokerface
Anonymous
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>>Be 12 >>Girl Sitting next to me In Class, I fancy her. >> Had A bad lunch should we say >> Pffbbbbt >>Thought It was safe >>Get a death stare from Girl >>Pokerface
Anonymous
>wife is stupid-obsessed crazy animal lover >visit long distance friends with wife >friends have pets, has dog, some birds, fish, a cat, and a new baby cat >talk about pets and how new cat is being raised as an outdoor cat >wife says she heard somewhere that putting mayonnaise in cat's feet will leave a trail so it can find its way back home >friends listen to advice >go sight seeing next day; that evening drive home >during drive home wife gets a call >wife talks, something is wrong, she gasps and her eyes start watering >wife hangs up and says new baby cat is dead >baby cat was found dead with all 4 feet chewed off and dog has bloody mouth >... >pokerface so hard a blood tear falls out
Anonymous
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>>12808467 That's terrible. I hate your fucking stupid wife.
I'll dress her like a little boy and send her to a priest.
Anonymous
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>dad says hes going out for a few hours >home alone, decide i may as well get ripped >10 cones later im fucked, can barely walk >dad comes home after 30 mins says something happened >decides to talk to me about drugs and asks "have you ever been offered drugs" >pokerface
Anonymous !fi1ye.yXjE
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okay, so /r9k/ is full of permavirgins and people who like reading sexy stories. This thread is therefore dedicated to utterances or actions that have given>5000 ladyboners >instantly >forever
Anonymous
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>>12787213 This was so badly written and so blatantly fake that I nearly gagged. Then I lmao at "I have no mouth and I must moan."
Slightly humorous, anon. You should take that act on the road.
Anonymous
What is the exchange rate on these "manboners"? 1 male boner to :5000 ladyboners?
Anonymous
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>>12801524 >Be stock market >be flooded with manboners in a crowd >feel them all over me, poking at me, wanting me >5000 Ladyboners >instantly >forever Anonymous
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>be a lego >can't do shit. >Damn
Anonymous
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>be a guy >read this thread >manboners everywhere instantly forever >decide to bump
Anonymous !kMDJw.qycc
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ITT: Creepy as fuck moments in your life.>Visit my girlfriend. She lives in pretty much the middle of no where. Large amounts of forest all over the place >We get into a huge argument. >Go for a jog to clear my head. >Pretty much just walking aimlessly outside and thinking. >Inadvertently manage to walk down this dirt road that was actually a drive way to some house. >Couple minutes later realize I'm standing in the middle of some guy's yard. >Lights come on and he walks out onto the porch. >I apologize for walking onto his property, explain the situation and then he laughs and tells me to sit down and he'll get me some iced tea. >Sit down on the porch and get lost in thought. >10-15 minutes go by and he's still not back. >Turn around and realize that he has been sitting in a chair in the window directly behind me, just smiling and not saying a word. No idea how long he has been there. >Tell him I need to go and then practically sprint back to my girlfriend's house. He doesn't say a word the entire time.
Anonymous
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>>12738299 I have that book, rather beautiful poetry inside.
Anonymous
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>Moved in to my own apartment a few months ago >First night was fine >Fuck yes an entire Sunday all to myself >Masturbate a ton >Set alarm for work the next day, go to sleep, zzz >Wake up >Alarm is unplugged >Late for work >FFFFFFFFFF- >Call work, get ready, drive to work >Wait a second. Why the fuck was my alarm clock unplugged? I must have been too tired from the night before or some shit and unplugged it while still half asleep >Get to work, ignore it >Fuck this shit I need to be at work in time tomorrow >Double check alarm clock >Move it farther away from bed >Go to bed at 11:00 PM >Wake up - alarm clock unplugged again >Holy shit what the fuck is going on >Call work, appologize again, explain what happened >Fuck, fuck, fuck >Not even scared, just fucking angry I'll lose my job >Buy a second god damn alarm clock >Hook up both alarm clocks >Set them 5 minutes apart >Also set phone alarm >Put phone under pillow >Wake up ... late >Both alarm clocks unplugged >Phone is nowhere to be found >Call phone >Nowhere >Move back into my parent's house
Anonymous
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>Camping with friends near Kalkaska, Michigan. >Walk through woods just to see what's around, pretty far and deep in the forest, keeping track with a compass. >About an hour into the walk, we hear a heavy-footed animal >Snarl. >WTF looks all around. >Snarl. >One friend looking behind us starts screaming and tears off like hell. >Two of us look back and see something at least seven foot tall, featureless, but I swear I saw its eyes glow in the flashlight. >NOPE.gif >RUN LIKE FUCKING MAD >pack up campsite, go back to Kalkaska, sit in Big Boy restaurant until morning.
Anonymous
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>local kids talk of 'haunted house' >Take girlfriend to 'haunted house' to spend the night with her > Make part of 'haunted house' comfortable with cushions, blankets, lights, i-pod dock >make sweet love to g/f 3 times (I came 3 times she didn't once mfw) >woken up by something in middle of night >reach hand over to g/f SHE ISN'T THERE >try to turn lamp on IT DOESN't WORK >hear muffled groaning from upstairs sounds like g/f >ALPHA TIME run upstairs to kick ass >feel hand trip me up outofnowhere halfway up stairs >get to top of stairs hear people running around, can't see them, see faint shadows moving >hear what sounds like g/f from wardrobe >go to open wardrobe
Anonymous
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>>12770134 So did you call the cops? What happened with the corpse?
I watched a lot of Bones tonight....
Anonymous !5sfVcVxozs
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Hello again r9k,
Anonymous
If I was rich, could I just pay porn stars to have sex with me?
Anonymous
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Fucking EPIC thread.
Anonymous
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>>12766285 Think OP already answered all your questions bro, scroll up.
Also Toasting in Epic Bread, Archive!
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Thread 12756529 has already been archived.>saging so it can die in peace
Anonymous
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>>12759096 fuck solo gay doesnt sound too bad, I do that stuff alone sometimes, would be tight to get paid for it.
Anonymous !PuVYEutvBY
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Ok, enough negativity, lets hear about the time you realised nice people DO exist in the world. Maybe a stranger held a door open for you, or somebody halped you with something when you didn't ask them to. >In highschool >bullied relentlessly >have ONE friend (he wasn't really a friend, he just tolerated my company out of pity) >was ill a few days before and missed an exam >teacher says i have to take the test in another class while he teaches the lesson >go to a different class >this class never comes into contact with my class, never share lessons or anything >don't know anybody >entire class is made up entirely of girls and one guy, i later learned they were studying for a secretary course >sit down and start the test >get out a piece of paper to do a calculation >one girl tells the teacher i might be cheating >instant red-face, show them it's blank >everyone finds my embarrassment funny/cute >nobody is shouting at me >nobody is making fun of me >does not compute >resume test >one girl tells the teacher it's her birthday and she bought candy for everyone >teacher is odviously super cool and says she can distribute it >suddenly hand infront of my test >"Would you like some to?" >mfw she doesn't even know me and she gives me candy
Anonymous
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>leave thread at 4:00 AM for sleep >it's now 13:30 >thread still here >read every post cause it makes me feel good >mfw i love you guys
Anonymous
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>Archive this thread >Go to sleep >Wake up >thread is still on >Even more good people have showed up
Anonymous
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12 hours away and this thread is still here. I love this so hard.
Anonymous
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Walking home from the videostore depressed. About to cross the street when a workman on the street yells out "don't step onto this street or it'll wreck those nice shoes mate!." I hadn't noticed the tar was fresh but I thanked him and went on to tell him the shoes were only $10. From there on we talked a little bit but it was a big deal for a shut-in, antisocial and depressed teen.
Anonymous
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I remember I have something to add to this thread.
Anonymous !!Mh+ef8Edp
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ITT: MEMORIES THAT MAKE US CRINGE>be 14 >have slutty 16-year-old girlfriend with major daddy issues, self esteem problems, and general emotional instability >have room in basement >grandma also has a room in the basement >have loud phone sex every other night past midnight >never realize that i may have been heard
Anonymous
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>>12748687 tl;dr Doctor did his job
Anonymous
inb4 asspie, faggot, failure, etc. i am well aware of these things.>be 19 >be over at girls' house who are friends of a co-worker >one of them is a big girl, cute though, and the other is a straight up 9 >we all smoke weed and play some beer pong >be chilling on the couch when out of fucking nowhere the 9 walks over and starts giving me a lapdance (fully clothed, but still she was all over me. her crotch was in my face at one point, she licked/sucked my ear too, shit's hot) >5000 boners. >instantly. >forever. >have no idea what to do, gently place my hand on her ass (yeah, i know) >at this point my friend from work and the big girl are hysterically laughing at my expense (see pic, it was mfw she mounted me and the entire time it happened. looking back now, I honestly cant blame them, but at the time it did sort of traumatize me.) >decide to take a bowl rip because i am so uncomfortable that's all i can think to do (to alleviate my anxiety) >she gets up and starts dancing and says "come dance anon", to which i reply "w-what" >she asks my friend to dance with her, which he does gladly since he is not a faggot. >i see him dancing with "my woman", become jello and get up (still hard btw), go over and cut in. (again, i know) >she starts grinding, i suck hard at dancing so im basically standing there awkwardly swaying, out of rhytmn >she bends all the way over and sticks her ass up >it hits my still hard cock >at that exact moment, seemingly on cue, two random dudes enter the house.
Anonymous
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>>12748923 >i abort quickly and go outside to smoke a cigarette and think about how much of a faggot i am >amazingly she joins me outside on the front steps for a cigarette >i dont remember the conversation we had clearly but i believe she said something along the lines of "what made you freak out/what happened/are you okay?" >i say "ummmm, your ass touched my dick". (yep. i actually told her that.) >she says "well did it feel good?" with a smile >i go "uhhhhhh yeah...." >dont remember the next parts but she eventually says, "well im not trying to scare anyone away". still smiling and looking right at me. >i say nothing, look away and smoke my cig. like a faggot. >she goes back inside. i sit out in the cold, thinking about how i want to kill myself. >come back inside later, party has continued >get drunk as hell and high as fuck to forget what just happened >two other dudes leave eventually >the four of us be chilling on couches watching a katt williams stand up special >it gets too late and the girls go upstairs to pass out >coworker and i sleep on couches downstairs and that's not even the only opportunity i royally fucked up to get with this girl. but this is the main one that haunts me. fuck.
Anonymous
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>>12748923 forgot the pic
picbloxxo
Anonymous
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I am on my tab and cant be ucked to green text
Anonymous !hr05jD7Pv.
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Share times you had, where no words could come to mind to justify what you were experiencing.>get high as fuck with friends >hot summers day >think it'd be hilarious to stroll into the garden naked and chill >sit down on some grass >did I just feel something in my ass? nah, just trippin >talk, smoke etc. >go to take a shit >as I sit down something is most definitely wrong >oh my god I'm laying an egg or something >turn to try and look at ass area >a fucking butterfly flies out my ass and out the window
Anonymous
>9th grade >new at school >eyed out by the resident bullies >they piss in a waterballoon and throw it out a third-story window as I walk by >look up just as it falls, instinctively do some flailing-thing with my hands >stylishly ride it on the back of my palm and directly into the nearest trashbin >be forever known as the new kid that can deflect water balloons with his bare hands
Anonymous
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>>12703152 fucken amaze
also bump
Anonymous
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>>12703116 6 people just died today in tornadoes in Arkansas and Missouri. I bet they weren't expecting that when they woke up this morning. They had 9 minutes of warning, and probably a few short minutes after they realized it was going to hit them, and their whole lives were destroyed in less than 30 seconds. It's scary to think about.
Anonymous
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>>12702908 I live in Iowa, and the weather sucks no matter what.
Winter? Blizzards + Cold snaps
Spring? Flooding + Thunderstorms
Summer? Droughts + Heatwaves
Fall? Tornados
Anonymous
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>>12702870 LOL what the fuck?
ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT
E-1guy !NavyIGhFho
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Hey fellow drinkers of /r9k/. What do you like to drink? I myself enjoy a nice crown and coke. What about you?
Anonymous
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this thread gave me a lot of ideas for tomorrow
Anonymous
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Any beer that is over 5% I usually drink. Not a fan of spirits and alchopops are just fucking pussy.
Anonymous
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>>12694350 You might wanna try Oban (smoky, salty) or Talisker (salty, peaty).
To me Oban is where is at. Like sitting near a campfire near the ocean.
Anonymous
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>>12695861 Alcopop is a derogatory term describing certain flavored alcoholic beverages, including:
1. malt beverages to which various fruit juices or other flavorings have been added,
2. beverages containing wine to which ingredients such as fruit juice or other flavorings have been added (wine coolers), or
3. beverages containing distilled alcohol and added ingredients such as fruit juices or other flavorings.[1]
The term 'alcopop' (a portmanteau of the words alcohol and pop) is used by advocates of tighter restrictions on alcoholic beverage sales, who argue that the beverages are especially appealing to underage drinkers.[2] Other terms include FAB (flavored alcoholic beverage), FMB (flavored malt beverage),[3] PPS (pre-packaged spirit or premium packaged spirits), and RTD (Ready To Drink - Aus & NZ). The alcohol industry does not use the term "alcopop."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcopop aka 'teenage-girls-drink'
Anonymous
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crown royal or jameson
Anonymous !6T/x1MILKY
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ITT: using your captcha as the title, create a plot for a movie.>Exclued Bear
Anonymous
Erogenous Jones
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>carlson, money
Anonymous
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bumping, also someone archive this please.
Anonymous
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Bumping for great liberty and justice for all.
Anonymous
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GUMMY captain.
