Time for some useless super powers.

>mind control ability
>can only control your grandparents

Risky jailbait stories

>At a friend's house.
>Younger sister's having a pool party
6 or 7 borderline 13/14 year old bitches splashing about.
>We're in the kitchen, they see us through the window and wave.
>They want to fuck.
End up in the pool playing games whilst trying to hide huge wood.
>Lots of contact

Shit was cash

Motherfucking tard story time.
Share what you have.

I have shared this story a couple of times, but hell, I still think its just as funny as the day it happened.
>Music class, elementary school
>Autistic/full retard kid is in the same class, his name is Ghiaz
>We get a break since it was a double lesson
>I stand outside for a bit until I hear "Anon, come up quick and look into the bathroom, its fucking important!
>I race up the stairs and look inside to see Ghiaz with his pants and underwear pulled down the way Butters does
>"Jesus, Ghiaz, pull up your damn pants!"
>The retard promptly does what is told to him
>He pulls up the pants while pissing
>His pants are up but his hose is still blasting away
>I get the fuck out of there and go back to class
>Break is over and Ghiaz enters the class, with teary eyes
>He sits down and puts his pencil case on his crotch
>He starts to sob almost inaudibly
>The smell
>The sobs
>And finally the laughter of everyone in the class
>The best part was when we had to do some kind fo musical game where we play an instrument and walk around the class in a certain pattern
>Techer never notices
>class is over and the waterworks really start
>Get called by the homeroom teacher to apologize to him for "making him pee himself"

Back in the 4th grade...
>In art class, project of the day is finger painting a flag
>Discussion ensues over what eachother should paint
>Someone thinks aloud he should paint a good luck symbol on a flag
>I blurt out he should paint a swastika as it is a good luck charm in a lot of cultures/religions. (Yes, I was an introverted kid back then too :( feels bad man)
>Mexican hybrid or w/e the fuck he is blurts out that my comment was racist (antisemitism, we're in 4th grade)
>He goes and tells the fat fuck of the art teacher
>Art teacher sends me to principle for 'racist comments'
>I argue with principle that the swastika had a long history before the Germans.
>Principle doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about, believes I'm making it up.
>Calls my parents and I get a 2 day suspension
After my 4 day break (weekend) I come back for vengeance.
>Every day, when I had to take a shit, I would shit in the urinal, or if it was just a piss, I'd clog up the sink with towels and piss in the sink.
>After about a week, intercom states that whoever is doing the bathroom vandalism to please stop
>Continue my scheme
>Three days later, they announce that every child leaving a classroom would have to be accompanied by an adult
>When a kid had to go to the bathroom, the teacher had to intercom for someone to come up
>This led to less class time, a lot of accidents, and the parents shitstorm

Pic related: My face after the whole ordeal

tl;dr take a awful plea bargain or risk 10-15 in prison
Here's my situation:
I was on probation. Then I had a nasty break-up with my Ex. She accused me of rape (falsely) and I went to prison. I got out on bail after four months, but I'm living /r9k/-style: house arrest with no opportunity to leave.
So, in a month I have a trial. I have two options: please out to aggravated sexual assault (5+ years of probation, sex offender treatment groups, suspended sentence or unknown length, and registry with the Sex Offender Registry Board as a level 2 or 3. Level 2 is where anyone in your area is given the information, and level 3 is where they have a mugshot of you at the library, post office, police station, etc. )
My other option is to take the thing to trial. There's about a 25% chance of her testifying that I raped her. If she testifies, I'm boned. They'll take her word for it, and I'll go to state prison for 10-15 years. If she doesn't testify, I go free.
What does /r9k/ think I should do?

ITT: A guy who works with the mentally retarded shares his experiences, and may also answer questions.

>Sitting in group home
>Client comes out
>Pantsless
>"Anon, I can't find my pants"
>Go to his room
>Can't find his pants
>He uses a walker, so he couldn't have sneaked by me
>Windows are sealed shut
>Tear room apart
>Pants are fucking gone, man

The disabled can work miracles. Miracles of failure.

You all had them. Dig deep, brothers and sisters.

> The president/prime-minister is the smartest person in the country.
> 111 must be eleventeen.
> Nothing is more important than my well being.

Bored as fuck tonight, so I'm here to answer your questions.

And....... SHOOT!

ITT:We tell stories about when we felt like a creep

>Walking alone in the forest
>It is getting dark
>I start to get afraid.. "What if I meet a creep guy in the forest?"
>Then I realize I am in the creep guy in the forest
>I have a mental illness
>I was carrying a knife
>My clothes were old
>I am tall
>I have watched and read my read weird things
>I fap to rape porn
>I am the guy you would be afraid to meet if you were lost in a dark forest
>forevercreepguyintheforest.jpg


You?

ITT: We tell stories of our badass pets.

>hear terrible screaming noise like an animal in pain
>rush outside thinking my cat is dying
>see coyotes running frantically in the opposite direction
> find cat laying a little stunned on ground with coyote fur and blood all over his paws

He ran up a tree trying to get away from the coyote but he's so clumsy that he fell out of the tree onto his would-be killer and tore him to shreds. My cat was completely unharmed except for a minor concussion

Your turn!