Whether it be betas, tards, neckbeards, spaghetti, etc. Pick your poison /r9k/

I'll start with a story about this psycho motherfucker in my 10th grade history class.
>10th grade
>be 16
>sitting in AP world, watching a movie about classical greece
>sit with best friend
>all of a sudden, the guy on screen starts singing a greek song or some shit
>best friend starts bellowing the song out as well to be funny
>he's rediculously bad at singing
>mysides.gif
>almost everyone in class, including the teacher, is laughing
>except for one kid, Anthony
>Anthony, who transferred from the reform school, was NOT laughing
>he turns to face my friend and says "I'll gut you like a fucking pig, and shoot your faggot friend"
>the room goes silent
>my teacher is scared shitless at this point
>She says to me "A-anon, please take Anthony down to the office"
>Anthony looks at me with the eyes of a rapist
>ohshitnigger.jpg
>"Uh... Uh, okay Mrs Richardson."
>Anthony gets up and walks slowly out the door
>I follow him
>mfw
Cont.

Ask a speech therapist anything.

ITT: historic feels

> 1775
> be jolly redcoat
> shoot unwashed farmer at battle of concord
> he calls me over
> "what ho, good rebel?"
> urges me to come closer
> lift powdered wig, put ear to his dying lips
> "y-you hate me for m-muh freedom"
> strumpets_tittering.woodcut
> "i suppose if that makes dying easier on you, my good man, you may believe whatever you wish."
> die at battle of bunker hill
> become ghost
> doomed to haunt america for centuries
> tfw i hear "you hate me for muh freedom" whenever america starts a war
> tfw america starts wars constantly

Gentleman's thread, all you /r9k/stars.

ITT: Random thread where we are completely sincere, serious, and yet light-hearted about everything, with no sarcasm or back-biting comments whilst keeping an uplifted chin even in the moodiest of weather. OC or rare pics appreciated.

Optional; Discuss what you would do given the keys to the universe that allow you to manipulate the laws of physics. Or, a stretchy hand that never got dirty or rips.

Personally, I would invent a party game with a stretchy hand, wherein it is hidden the day beforehand, and during the game if found, your goal is to pass it onto someone else unknowingly.

Idea #1: If you get caught "red-handed", you have to be the one to bring all the alcohol to the next party.

Idea #2: Whoever finds it gets to plant it on someone else, and if they find it on their person, they must either furtively pass it on, or get caught, they essentially must take 1-3 shots. They must then pass it on, hiding it on someone else. The equivalent of being iced.

Had cooler ideas, but this is just some.

Let's see if /r9k/ can be cool as it once was.

ITT We share secrets of our industry.

Credit Card industry.

Your accounts are handled by 18 year old trained monkeys that can barley add. Mistakes happen frequently. It's super easy on the system to click somewhere wrong and fuck a customer over because the monkey wasn't paying attention because his shift is 9 hours long, he's taken 75 calls already and hasn't had a banana. Also you are loudly mocked when you get off the phone and that complaint you filed was never reported.

>Always breagged about his massive collection of classic vidya consoles no one cared about.
>Always went out of his way to diss literally anything we discussed in a positive light, with very shitty arguments as to why it's bad.
>Could never take a hint and fuck off.
>Still hung around me and my friends even though we ignored him completely and never gave followups to any subject he brought up.
>Had not a single fucking friend in the school, and couldn't take the hint that we hated him for some reason.
>Always stood extra close to you if you were talking to him (or even when he was just standing there awkwardly listening to you talk to someone).
>Had horrible breath.
>Was 5'1" and sounded 13 even in Senior year. Also had the maturity of one.
>Swore he was the edgiest motherfucker in existence.
Jesus robots, I'm so glad I'm done with high school and will probably never see that little cumstain again, whilst still keeping contact with the rest of my high school friends. Any of you had any of those "friends" who followed you around and were just a pain in the ass?

>finally get my masters in advertising, marketing and PR
>been working for 4 years at a shit tier basically minimum wage job
>beg a successful friend to recommend me for an executive job at a prestigious firm
>he reluctantly agrees
>anon, I've talked to the guy, he says they're not hiring at all at the moment, but if I think you've got *it* and can be an asset to the firm, he wouldn't want to lose that, so I gave him my word you're talented and have tons of potential, he's one of my most important clients, DON'T FUCK THIS UP
>never miss a day, always staying late, doing more than my fair share, being all around excellent at everything
>never even talked to the boss ever since he welcomed me on my first day
>boss takes the most promising guys to a long weekend of hunting and fishing while staying on his yacht
>I get invited as well (the youngest, most inexprienced guy in the group)
>they all know each other, I don't know them, complete outside, don't know shit about yacht, but can fish like a boss
>throughout the trip he takes each of us to talk privately
>first guy he talks to tells us the CEO (our direct boss is the CCO) will be joining the board of trusties, meaning our boss will be promoted to be the CEO, and one of us will most likely be the new CCO
>first guy didn't share more than that, saying he's been told not to (which I found to be retarded, but w\e)
>first day goes by, he's talked to everyone except for me (had 4 other possible CCOs with me there), getting late, everyone's retired to their own rooms, I just assume he didn't have the time for me (though I was really thinking he just took me along since I show promise, but I don't have enough exprience for the job, eitherthat or he just wanted to fill up all the 5 extra rooms in his yacht)
>"Anon, come up here", I get up to the deck from my room"
(1/?)

Uh oh the helicopter is on fire and you are about to fall into the shark infested waters, how will you ever get out of this situation?

ITT: greentext of cute moments

>be last weekend
>cuddling with this guy at night with our legs up on the slide
>he kisses me on the cheek
>he says "oh thank god that's over"
>i chuckle and ask "why?"
> he responds "I've been working up the courage to do that for the past 10 minutes"

dawww

also, could anyone find the color version of this picture? no luck over at /r/. It'd be greatly appreciated

ITT: Crazy High School Stories

>be in 10th grade
>gym tiem
>have kid named Jamal in my class, pretty cool guy
>we have this huge gym that takes up two stories
>our track field is basically hanging off the ceiling of the gym so we are running in circles overlooking the gym
>have track
>oh and did I mention, the only thing guarding us from falling is a fucking 3 foot railing
>running in circles
>Jamal is ahead of me
>someone fucking trips him and he FLIES OVER THE FUCKING EDGE
>HOLY SHIT
>back my ass up and look down the railing as I hear a crash and a scream
>actually hear a bone crack
>Jamal ended up luckily with only a broken leg
>the kid who tripped him never even said sorry and was never caught