/b/ - Random » Thread #468857280

[66 / 13 / ?]

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Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:27:45 No.468857280 View View Reply Original Report

/b/, let me tell you a story about shit.
And maybe along the way, start a shit story thread.

>Be in 5th grade
>Parents packed lunch, lunch was always shit
>I'm talking like, two slices of bread, a tomato, and a cucumber
>If I was lucky I got an egg
>Super-lucky, it was fried.
>Oftentimes didn't finish entire lunch, would bring home like a half-eaten cucumber
>After this happens several times my mom threatens to beat my ass with a wooden stick that had a nail through it
>To this day I do not know if she was bluffing.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:31:32 No.468858112 Report

Quoted By: >>468859020

>>468857280
>One day, there was some event at school
>Point in case, free lunch
>Fucking hot dogs and soda
>Not shitty school hot dogs, real beef hot dogs that were just grilled
>Naturally do not eat lunch, walk home without thinking much about it
>Parents were never home when I was a kid, usually came back from work around seven-eightish
>Figure I'll get rid of my lunch somehow
>Watch TV for a few hours
>Hear parent's footsteps
>ohshit.jpg
>What the fuck do I do
>Can't throw it in trash, already tried that and parents caught it
>Fuckfuckfuck
>Look at cucumber
>This looks sort of like a turd.
>Run to bathroom
>Throw cucumber and bread into toilet bowl, flush
>Clogged
>SONOFABITCH
>Flush it again
>Again
>Parents are outside door

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:35:28 No.468859020 Report

Quoted By: >>468859492

>>468858112
>Anon what the fuck are you doing in there
>Uh, nothing.
>Damnit damnit damnit, won't flush
>Come out of bathroom
>I clogged the toilet
>Goddamnit, anon
>Gets plunger
>Begins plunging toilet
>Nothing happens because there's a fucking cucumber wedged in there
>Mom starts getting angry
>What the fuck, did you shit a brick or something
>You won't like mom when she's angry.
>Starts plunging the toilet like a god damn maniac
>Like seriously, she's working it like a stripper, whole body going UP DOWN UP DOWN
>You would not believe the noises coming out of the toilet, it sounded like a thousand gay men with diarrhea rimming each other at once
>Quietly slink away
>Ten minutes of swearing at the toilet later
>Bread is floating in the bowl
>BREAD IS FLOATING IN THE BOWL
>ANON WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING
>WHY IS THERE BREAD IN THE TOILET
>Shit
>Uh, I didn't eat all of my lunch, and I didn't want you to find out, so I flushed the bread...
>Just the bread?
>Fucking retarded 5th-grade me tries to mitigate punishment
>Uh, yeah.
>Okay, this'll be easy.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:37:28 No.468859492 Report

Quoted By: >>468859859 >>468862241

>>468859020
>Like, half an hour later
>ANON WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU FLUSH IN THE TOILET
>Uh, a cucumber
>WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
>Iunno.jpg
>Okay, nothing to do but wait for it to rot out. This might take months.
>okay.jpg
>Only toilet in the entire house is plugged up with a cucumber
>All this was fucking exposiiton, the real story begins now.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:zNdFJ9KD Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:38:54 No.468859821 Report

Quoted By: >>468859958

Couldnt you just throw the stuff out at school?
/thread

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:39:02 No.468859859 Report

Quoted By:

>>468859492
Well piss, is anyone even listening?
Not gonna bother typing this out otherwise.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:39:34 No.468859958 Report

Quoted By:

>>468859821
Forgot.
You try being in fifth grade with basically a fucking carnival all day and not forget everything.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:hy9D/qUz Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:42:57 No.468860789 Report

Quoted By:

go on...

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:48:50 No.468862241 Report

Quoted By: >>468863502

>>468859492
>So one day my mom takes me shoe shopping
>Hate shoe shopping, whine pretty much the whole way so her nerves are already frayed
>Near the end of the trip
>Feel a rumbling in my gut
>Oh nigger.
>Mom, I think I need to poo
>Anon, you can hold it. We'll just be here maybe twenty more minutes.
>Damnit woman what are you doing
>Fine
>Tough it out
>Oh god oh god
>I can feel it, it's hot liquid
>It's fucking leaking out of my asshole
>Mom...
>Can it anon, we're almost done
>God fucking damnit
>Finally finish shoe shopping
>Pile in car
>MOM HOLY SHIT I NEED TO POO
>Anon what the fuck
>Anon what the fuck is that smell
>Anon did you shit your pants
>YES AND I'M NOT DONE
>Fuck
>Mom enters zerk mode
>Starts driving like a bat out of hell
>The cops
>The fucking cops are busting us for going like five over the speed limit
>In fucking California
>Ma'am do you have any idea how fast you were going
>Look officer I don't have time for this, my
>I don't want to hear it, do you have any idea how fast you were going
>Slightly over, but there's a slight tolerance
>That's right, over
>While this exchange is taking place I'm trying desperately not to shit myself in the back

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:54:10 No.468863502 Report

Quoted By: >>468864091 >>468865540

>>468862241
>Cop finally notices the stench
>Ma'am, did your son-
>Give up trying to hold it
>Let out feral scream of rage as asshole opens up and Satan himself attempts to enter the mortal realm through my anus
>Liquid shit is coming out of my ass at the speed of light, it hits my underwear but the course is only diverted
>Shit is leaking out of all parts of my pants now
>Cop just sort of backs away and drives off
>Goddamnit anon, what the fuck are you doing
>The stream stops
>Are you done, anon?
>nope.avi
>Fuck
>Starts speeding home again
>Fuck the police
>As we pull into the parking lot (lived in apartment complex), I feel the rumblings at the entrance again
>Mom, I can't fucking hold it
>YOU BETTER HOLD IT OR SO HELP ME GOD
>I could not hold it.
>MRRAAAGGGHHH
>Fucking screaming and crying as I run up the stairs (WHY THE FUCK DO WE LIVE ON THE TOP FLOOR)
>You ever try to run while taking a shit? My fucking asscheeks are like gates diverting the torrent of fetid shit from my asshole into a spraying pattern
>Get shit all over the stairs
>Run into the house, shit still streaming out of my asshole
>My dad and my sister come to front door to welcome us home
>Instead they see me charging straight at them yelling my head off, propelled by a putrid torrent of pure liquid shit
>WHAT THE FUCK ANON
>GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
>Run to the bathroom

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:pvt81M8j Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:55:50 No.468863886 Report

Quoted By: >>468865207

dinosaur

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:pvt81M8j Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:56:20 No.468863983 Report

Quoted By:

bear

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 08:56:48 No.468864091 Report

Quoted By: >>468865689

>>468863502
>Anon you can't, the toilet-
>In my fucking desperation, I forgot the toilet was clogged
>It doesn't matter, I can't do this any more
>Sit down on toilet
>Finally unclench asscheeks
>It was fucking unholy. It was a fucking eruption of this lava-emulating, blazing-hot river of diarrhea streaming out of my goddamn asshole.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8TRkCKLE Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:01:38 No.468865160 Report

Quoted By:

MOAR!!!

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:01:46 No.468865207 Report

Quoted By: >>468865505 >>468865673

>>468863886
It's not a dinosaur, I can promise you that.
>I shit for minutes.
>On top of all that shit that came out of me during the car ride and up the stairs, I continue to shit for MINUTES.
>Those were horrible minutes. Time felt as stretched as my asshole, a burning ring of itching fire unable to stand the abuse of this horrible satan-blessed stream of shit
>The stream finally slows, then stops
>Wipe
>It takes surprisingly few paper rolls...
>Take pants off, it's encrusted in shit
>Look up at the aftermath
>Hoooo-leeeee fuck.
>There's shit all over the walls.
>The toilet is COATED in shit.
>I open the door
>It's a fucking war zone out there
>There were no survivors. I managed to spray both my dad and my sister
>They are both staring at the door, still in shock at this curse of the fucking shit gods
>There's fucking shit on the ceiling light
>There's fucking shit on the ceiling light
>Mom walks in right about now
>What the fuck anon

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:FQ38067i Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:03:07 No.468865505 Report

Quoted By:

>>468865207

MORE! MORE SHIT I SAY!

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:Mb1fqUVG Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:03:17 No.468865540 Report

Quoted By:

>>468863502
>Satan himself attempts to enter the mortal realm through my anus

MOAR!

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:03:49 No.468865673 Report

Quoted By: >>468865923

>>468865207
>For like, two fucking months, there's shit in that toilet bowl
>We just kept it closed
>My mom tried to fix it by siphoning water out and then pouring new water in, but she mixed up the ends of the siphon
>That was the end of that.
And so ends the wonderful, terrible saga of one of the most memorable shits I've ever had.

If anyone wants more, I've got a few more stories to share.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8TRkCKLE Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:03:50 No.468865679 Report

Quoted By:

OP you are shit poet.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:Hc9G7zJh Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:03:53 No.468865689 Report

Quoted By:

>>468864091
Moar plz.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:Hc9G7zJh Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:04:51 No.468865923 Report

Quoted By: >>468866546

>>468865673
Keep going. Moar!

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:xvDzEdwU Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:04:56 No.468865941 Report

Quoted By:

In honor of your awesome story I await the remainder on my own humble porcelain throne.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:Hc9G7zJh Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:05:47 No.468866113 Report

Quoted By:

Once I pooped in a bathtub.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:07:42 No.468866546 Report

Quoted By: >>468867928

>>468865923
All right.

/b/, this is the story of how I managed to wreak havoc over all the rest stops of fifty miles.

>Few years later, in high school (summer vacation)
>Mom insists on family vacation, running across states to go to national parks and shit
>Don't remember what holiday it was, but for some reason all the goddamn resteraunts but fast food joints were closed for a whole day
>You can guess what happens next.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:14:00 No.468867928 Report

Quoted By: >>468868961

>>468866546
>I feel the rumbling on Interstate 5, I believe
>Mom, I need to po-
>ANON'S DAD, FIND A FUCKING REST STOP
>They still remember the epic shit of 5th grade
>It was the most synergy I've seen between my mom and my dad in all their years of marriage
>My dad, in one smooth motion, pulls a tourist's map out of nowhere and slings it to my mom
>She opens it up, is almost immediately able to find my location
>Next rest stop is soon, switch lanes
>half a second of turn signal, then swerve across like five lanes of freeway
>The rumbling increases
>It's actually audible at this point
>My sister, whose sitting next to me, starts panicking
>OH GOD ANON'S DAD DRIVE
>FUCKING DRIVE
>We arrive at the rest stop, I manage to keep the shit contained
>Waddle into the rest stop
>Sit my fucking ass down, immediately unclench
>I did not sit on the toilet properly, my ass slips...
>You know the fucking shit thread where a guy does that and there's an imprint of the guy next to him?
>Yeah, pretty much that.
>The other guy starts yelling
>OH WHAT THE FUCK
>I manage to recover and sit myself back on the toilet
>Miraculously, I have not actually shit in my pants yet
>He kicks open the stall door
>Ho. Lee. Fuck.
>It's a fucking big-ass, beefy, I'mma-kick-your-ass trucker
>He's got the rage of a thousand suns in his eyes, and the coat of a thousand shits is coating his leather jacket
>Cracks knuckles
>Son, you best be-
>Don't stick around, I bumrush him to try and get past

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:18:41 No.468868961 Report

Quoted By: >>468869437 >>468870786

>>468867928
>Oh goddamnit I wasn't done shitting
>Round 2 begins
>It takes me by surprise, the foul sewage begins pushing its way from my anus
>I'm past the trucker dude, I don't think he expected me to try and run
>He hears the rumbling
>I did not see his face, but to this day I can imagine the sheer look of "MOTHER FUCKING SHIT" as he realized what was about to happen.
>It's like a fucking fire hose that's been attached directly to the main shit grid
>It literally blasted out of my fucking pants
>It tore the fucking seams in my underwear
>It tore the fucking seams in my pants
>I think the trucker dude's mouth was open, because I heard his scream get muffled
>Didn't stick around to see, start running out of bathroom
>Every fucking head snaps towards me
>Every tourist stares at me
>There's one trucker dude who just busts out laughing
>Someone yells WHAT THE FUCK
>Here I am, in a rest stop in the middle of nowhere, a shit-drenched, pissed-off trucker behind me and an army of tourists in front of me
>My family notices me at this point
>ANON WHAT THE FUCK
>I think someone took a picture at this point, if anybody finds a picture of an Asian guy with a hole in his pants and a trail of shit behind him in a rest stop somewhere in NoCal, please tell me.
>Run to the car, thankfully the torrent has stopped by now so I don't do a repeat of the stairs

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:uO4OxCxs Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:19:31 No.468869145 Report

Quoted By:

Somebody archive this gold.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:kk2wfwNR Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:20:52 No.468869437 Report

Quoted By:

>>468868961
I'm literally fucking crying Anon.
Dear Jesus fuck.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:27:00 No.468870786 Report

Quoted By: >>468871838

>>468868961
My mom was a quick thinker and spread some plastic bags on the seat
>Shit-drenched trucker is charging the car
>Anon what the fuck did you do
>SHUT UP AND DRIVE
>Dad looks at the trucker and floors it
>We peel out of the rest stop and hit the freeway doing like eighty
>Dad slows down, looks behind us
>Trucker did not follow, guess he was afraid our car would turn out to be the shitmobile and have a shit slick button instead of an oil slick button
>Anon, what the fuck happ
>Do you really want to know
>Actually, no.
>Also, I'm not done yet
>My sister recoils in sheer fucking horror. There was the most visceral look of absolute disgust mixed with fear that I've ever seen on her face
>My mom just breaks down, I can't tell if she was crying, laughing, or a little bit of both
>My dad doesn't say anything
>I manage to hold it again until the next rest stop
>Anon take as long as you need, I don't want a damn repeat.
>Imagine my shame as I walk my shit-covered ass over to the rest stop, through another army of picture-snapping tourists (Why the FUCK do you want a picture of this? "And oh look Aunt Agna, this is a picture I got of some chink who shit himself!") and laughing truckers.
>My mom's trailing behind me with shit-covered plastic bags
>Sit down on the toilet, make sure to firmly seat myself
>Shit
>Oh sweet relief
>Glad that this finally turned out all right
>Turn to wipe
>Fuck. Me. In. The. Titties.
>No goddamn toilet paper
>NO GODDAMN TOILET PAPER
>Shitshitshit
>Knock on stall
>No response
>Look under to make sure it's empty
>Clear
>Check bathroom to see if anyone's out there
>Not sure why, any shred of dignity I had was already gone
>Waddle out
>Open door
>There's a fucking six-year-old with his pants all the way don, facing the exit of the stall, balancing on the toilet, pissing.
>As he looks up, his concentration breaks and he starts pissing on me
>FUCK SHIT DAMNIT
>Run back into my stall
>Slam door
>Fuck. Now what?

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:31:45 No.468871838 Report

Quoted By: >>468872217 >>468873235

>>468870786
>The other stall is occupied, its occupant is (rightfully) ignoring me
>Start wishing I'd at least grabbed some toilet paper from the other stall, that way I wouldn't have been pissed on for nothing
>Look down
>See my sock
>Desperate times call for desperate measures
>Take off sock
>Wipe
>What I forgot was that we'd been to the beach before on this trip.
>There was fucking sand in my sock
>THERE WAS FUCKING SAND IN MY SOCK
>Too late, I can feel the grit in my asshole
>DAMNIT
>The deed's been done, might as well finsih it
>Flip sock inside-out, might be less sand
>There was more sand
>My asshole has been rubbed red and raw, and it's itching like someone started a fucking flea circus in it
>At this point it's certainly big enough to acomodate one
>Waddle back out
>Tourists start laughing again
>fuckme.jpg
>Get back in car
>Hang head, shame-faced
>They can feel the shame emanating from me
>Not a word is said, dad just drives.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:7c4Hwtmr Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:33:24 No.468872217 Report

Quoted By:

>>468871838
GIVE ME MORE

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:XTapK0pc Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:37:58 No.468873143 Report

Quoted By:

Mfw sand

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:38:24 No.468873235 Report

Quoted By: >>468873901 >>468874410

>>468871838
>Like, two minutes later
>Dad, the rumbling's back
>GOD DAMNIT ANON
>At this rate, your shit would cover more distance than we have
>Stop at the next rest stop
>Sort of penguin-waddle in there, everyone stares at me
>I recognize the trucker dude that I shit on earlier
>He recognizes me
>He just fucking stares at me
>You can see the rage in his eyes, he's like a fucking bull
>Dodge into stall, too many people in bathroom for him to try something
>Shit
>Maybe the shit will push the sand out
>It did
>I literally fucking shit sandpaper
>Oh thank god there's toilet paper, I hadn't bothered to check
>Wipe
>Blood
>There is more blood than shit on this square of toilet paper
>Keep wiping
>My anus won't fucking stop bleeding
>Eventually give up, just tie toilet paper in diaper form to create a manpon
>Waddle back out
>Trucker dude's out there, waiting for me
>There's no one in the bathroom
>Fuck me
>He charges me
>I try to dodge, fail
>Haymaker to the face
>I go down
>He picks me up and pins me to a wall...
>The door opens
>Someone walks in
>Imagine this: You're on a family vacation, you need to take a piss.
>You walk into a bathroom.
>Inside of it is a smelly trucker with shit stains on his shirt, holding down a scrawny Asian kid with torn pants at the asshole, piss down his legs, and a fucking blood-and-shit-encrusted toilet paper diaper.
>Take advantage of the distraction, twist out of his hold and run the fuck away
>Jump into car
>Dad hit it
>Anon is that a toilet paper diap
>DAD HIT IT
>Dad hits it

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:FQ38067i Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:41:39 No.468873901 Report

Quoted By:

>>468873235

You are the shit king.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:44:06 No.468874410 Report

Quoted By: >>468875295 >>468876245 >>468876301

>>468873235
>Mom do you have any pads
>Wat.jpg
>Don't even ask, just give 'em to me
>She hands me one
>Dad, can we go to the next rest stop so I can apply this-
>FINE ANON, BUT YOU CAN SHIT IN THIS CAR THE NEXT TIME FOR ALL I CARE
>Stop at the next stop
>Thank god no one's around
>Sneak into bathroom
>Okay. Quick and clean. Got it? Quick and clean.
>It was neither.
>In the middle of this delicate operation, someone enters
>Okay, thank god I'm in a stall
>Make sure it's locked
>Continue operation
>The first stall they try to open is mine
>The lock
>The lock was fucking broken
>The door swings open
>In front of me is a middle-aged dad and his two sons
>Their faces would've been priceless if I hadn't been so mortified
>They close the door, can hear them leaving the bathroom
>Finish the deed, walk out
>The guy's out there
>Can see him whispering to his wife
>He's pointing at me
>Wife looks horrified
>Hang head, walk to car
>No more incidents until we reach some national park

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:DWQAh321 Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:46:26 No.468874927 Report

Quoted By: >>468887228

Fucking dumbass, why did you feel the need to hide the food from her? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THERE WAS FREE FUCKIN' LUNCH SO YOU DIDN'T EAT YOURS.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:6ZQU1sKK Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:48:07 No.468875295 Report

Quoted By:

>>468874410
>No more incidents until we reach some national park
>until we reach some national park
>until
OH SHIT NIGGA

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:36azXJ+n Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:49:52 No.468875704 Report

Quoted By:

Bumping for interest

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:a2tTkJYf Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:52:09 No.468876245 Report

Quoted By:

>>468874410
Theridehome.jpg

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:52:22 No.468876301 Report

Quoted By: >>468876632

>>468874410
The grand finally is coming, my /b/rethren.
>We're walking some trail, I've got a fresh pair of pants, haven't felt any cramping for a while
>Feel pretty good right now.
>When suddenly
>Suddenly
>Guys...
>They turn around and see my face.
>They immediately know what's happening.
>ANON WE'RE IN THE WOODS JUST GO OFF THE TRAIL A BIT AND SHIT
>What about wiping
>I have some fucking tissues here, use these
>okay.jpg
>Go off the path until I can no longer see the trail
>Squat
>Shit
>For some fucking reason
>For some fucking reason
>My shit stream was diverted UP, and I somehow managed to shit all over my fucking cock and balls, arcing through it and perfectly into my pants.
>God.
>Fucking.
>Damnit.
>Okay, I can deal with this
>Stand up to try and assess damage
>Should not have done that
>The force exerted forced more shit out of my ass
>You know how you can't shit while you're fully standing up?
>I did.
>The pain. My god, the pain.
>When my future wife tells me I know not the pain of childbirth, I shall tell her this story.
>I have known more pain than any mortal man could bear.
>I scream, the most feral fucking scream I've ever done in my entire life
>Seriously, my voice was sore for the rest of the week-long trip
>I can hear my mom yelling god damnit, what happened this time from where I am
>Sit back down
>Finish the shit, crying
>As I'm wiping up (thank god, the tissues were enough to cover it), a fucking park ranger comes over.
>A fucking park ranger comes over.
>I can hear him talking with my family, asking them if they'd heard anything "that sounded like a wounded fox".
>They say no
>He starts walking straight at me
>Wait no don't go that way
>Why not?
>just... don't.
>He goes that way
>He sees me
>Son, what the hell are you-
>The stench hits his nostrils
>Oh, what the fu-
>He backs away
>Radios ranger center or whatever the fuck it is >"I found the wounded animal, false alarm. Repeat, false alarm."

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:53:48 No.468876632 Report

Quoted By: >>468877015 >>468877687 >>468878074

>>468876301
>I put my pants back on
>we continue on the trail
>Around the second bend
>Around the second fucking bend
>Was an outlook point, complete with outhouse.
And that concludes the tail of "why I never go on family vacations any more".

I've got one more story to share, do you guys want it?

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:RiXSHv+J Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:55:20 No.468876978 Report

Quoted By:

Bravo

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:7c4Hwtmr Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:55:30 No.468877015 Report

Quoted By:

>>468876632
Please continue.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:FQ38067i Sat 30 Mar 2013 09:58:24 No.468877687 Report

Quoted By:

>>468876632
wounded fox oh my god

yes tell your next story!

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:00:09 No.468878074 Report

Quoted By: >>468880016

>>468876632
All right
>This one's set in China
>If you've ever been to China, you fucking know how the toilets are
>No toilet paper, squatting
>Some of them are really bad, literally a hole in the ground, no wood or metal or anything
>Some people I know will recognize me from the next part
>I'm in China for some BS program, help rural farmers by reconstructing economic infrastructure or some shit
>Anyways, bunch of people who don't know each other in China, working together
>There's this one kid, I think his name was Alex
>Anyways, when we get off the plane, the first thing he says is "I need to take a piss"
>As we load into busses, he says he "needs to take a piss"
>Eventually the entire bus stops and he gets out and goes on the side of the road because he can't hold it
>When we get to the hotel and load off the bus, his words are "I need to take a piss"
>This kid is called Small Bladder, he'll be important later

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:HO9UcyeJ Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:02:32 No.468878554 Report

Quoted By:

this is getting worthy of archival status...

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:Mb1fqUVG Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:05:07 No.468879070 Report

Quoted By:

"The Shit King Trilogy"

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:hkxzLJ69 Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:05:08 No.468879073 Report

Quoted By: >>468883505

I decided my story should go here. However, it's really nothing compared to OP. Here goes:
>be 7 in Torrance,CA
>taking my time shitting
>playing around
>sitting on toilet
>ADHD as fuck
>got dinosaur [that crappy animated movie] toy that responds to movement
>set it down
>try to refocus my shits
>earth literally rumbles for a second
>earthquake r1 in area

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:09:49 No.468880016 Report

Quoted By: >>468880734

>>468878074
>like literally, everyone nicknamed him Small Bladder
>Anyways, at some point in time Small Bladder contracts a stomach bug
>He's got diarrhea
>I don't fucking know how it was transmitted, but pretty soon everybody had it
>It affected me most of all
>We're going to like farmsteads and crap, helping out families by "helping" their crops out (I personally think we did more harm than good, none of us could tell corn from weeds, so we had a hard time figuring what to hoe out)
>So we go to work in a field
>I'm slightly athletic, pull ahead of almost everybody
>Workin' dat hoe
>Oh lord, I can feel it
>It'd been days since I'd had to really diarrhea, so I'd thought that I'd gotten past it
>I hadn't
>Tough out the rest of the fucking field, actual designated toilet spot is waay back, out of walking range, (we took a bus here) and I can't take a shit in full view of everybody
>Okay
>Tough the trip out there
>RUN to the designated shitting spot
>Drop trouse
>Shit
>Oh, glorious shit
>For once, all is going well
>I haven't shit myself
>I haven't shit on anybody else
>I can do this
>Go to wipe
>Oh. Dear. Lord.
>It's a messy one, don't know if I have the toilet paper to outlast it (dinky little back of tissue paper that I carried around, had maybe six sheets in it)
>I fucking run out
>Remember my sock
>Look down at ground
>It's dry and dusty
>Can't risk it
>Look around for something else
>Wild grass
>Feel it
>Make sure that it isn't scratchy/poisonous/otherwise bad to wipe on
>Crouch down in grass, wipe
>Y'know, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear to god that there were bugs crawling around on my ass
>There fucking were
>I didn't see them because they were really tiny fuckers, maybe twice the size of a flea
>But holy hell, they had a sting
>HOLY HELL, they had a sting
>Mother fucker
>Tough it out, can't scream, too close to the house
>Brush most of them off
>most

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:13:45 No.468880734 Report

Quoted By: >>468882064

>>468880016
>Back in the farmhouse, everyone's patting themselves on the back
>I feel it
>I feel this little fucker attaching itself by the teeth to that sensitive strip of skin between the balls and the anus
>Fuck
>Eyes are watering
>Nobody notices
>OKAY I CAN DO THIS
>Bus ride back takes hours
>I CAN'T DO THIS
>Reach hand into pants, trying to be really subtle about it
>Furtively glancing around to make sure that nobody notices
>This fucker's jumping around down there
>I'm flying blind, if I catch him it'll be luck
>Hand is rustling around in my pants
>Too occupied with trying to catch him
>Don't notice chick sitting across from me saw
>Look of utter disgust on her face
>Try to explain, but then I catch the fucker
>Look of joy crosses over my face
>She's disgusted and turns away
>To this day, she still thinks I masturbated to her or something
>Go back to hotel
>Uneventful (in terms of shitting) rest of program usage

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:dyq6CFc8 Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:21:06 No.468882038 Report

Quoted By:

bamp

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:21:15 No.468882064 Report

Quoted By: >>468883095

>>468880734
We're not done with this story yet.
>What the plan was, was to finish with the program, then spend vacation time w/ mom and sister (dad had other business)
>While we're on the vacation, I have a fucking relapse of the stomach bug
>SON OF A BITCH
>Most of the diarrhea is uneventful
>Again, most.
>At some point in time we're national monument hopping
>China has fucking huge national monuments, there's this place where you can literally just walk all day and still not see everything
>Anyways, my lung collapses and my mom's just like "tough it out" because I guess I have a history of being a pussy, so she doesn't think it hurts that much
>So she's already annoyed, and then I tell her I need to shit...
>No, you're going to stay here and honor your national heritage
>Sonofa
>Eventually manage to sneak off
>Find a goddamn toilet
>There's like, three fucking restrooms in this entire maze of a national monument
>Shit
>It's fucking green
>Why the FUCK is my diarrhea green
>Like, not even dark green.
>We're talking like... See the pic. The right side. We're talking THAT green.
>Fuckin' hell, move to wipe...
>Son of a bitch
>All the fucking tissues are in my mom's backpack
>My mom that I just fucking ditched
>Realize that I have no way of finding her (no cell phone, no designated meeting spot...)
>I'm a fucking dumbass

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:uHF3xbYz Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:23:06 No.468882412 Report

Quoted By:

I am not worthy of comparing myself to OP, but here is my shit story.

>Work in psych, work with a team providing 24/7 watch on the mentally unstable while they receive medical care in a hospital
>Arrive to take care of obese middle age woman who is completely fucked up
>Open door to isolation room
>Patient sitting in dark room to reduce "visual stimuli"
>Patient is naked
>Patient has hand pumping in and out of her ass
>Patient continues to do this while staring at me
>Suddenly, changes hole
>I want to throw up
>Patient is fisting themselves with a fistful of shit
>Eventually stops
>Removes hand, it's covered in white froth
>Opens hand to reveal shit, and stares at it
>Turns her head to look back at me, and then bursts into tears
>I exit, close the door, and call a "Code Black - aggressive pt" just so that I don't have to deal with this myself
>Get home and get drunk

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:27:07 No.468883095 Report

Quoted By: >>468883480 >>468883536

>>468882064
>Eventually found mom after blind fucking wandering, but that's going off-topic
>What do I do
>See underwear
>Y'know what, I'll go commando.
>Gives less protection if I need to shit again, but I can take the heat
>Wipes with underwear
>It's fucking smeared with this green-ass-looking shit, that actually sort of looks like green bean popsicles/ice cream that's really popular in Asia.
>Throw it on the side
>exit
>Turn around, small child enters
>Stick around, want to see what his reaction is, and I really don't have a goal in mind
>No reaction
>Somewhat disappointed but oh well, he's a kid
>Then as he comes out
>As he fucking comes out
>there's a smear of what looks like green bean ice cream on the corner of his mouth
>He didn't
>Oh god he fucking didn't
>But he did
>Turn around, walk away.

A rather weak conclusion, sorry.

So ends the "Trilogy of the shit king"; I am honored that you would bestow such a title upon me.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:HO9UcyeJ Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:29:15 No.468883480 Report

Quoted By: >>468883615

>>468883095
Wait....why was Small Bladder important for later? you never mentioned him again OP

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:hkxzLJ69 Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:29:24 No.468883505 Report

Quoted By:

>>468879073
>look up
>down
>around
>that went better than expected
>refocusing and forgot the toy I set down was next to me
>can't shit like OP, have to concentrate
>halfway in between this log my shit stops
>oh my jimmies
>try to get it further out
>not going further out
>fuck, guess i'll just pull it out
>grab 5 squares of tp
>mybodyisready
>hop off toilet seat
>toy makes loud as fuck crooning when my feet hit the ground
>WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS THAT
>shit out of fear without too much pain
>log plops in bowl
>wipe, flush and walk
TL;DR a dinosaur literally scared the shit out of me
>fuck earthquakes

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:Mb1fqUVG Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:29:32 No.468883536 Report

Quoted By:

>>468883095
you've earned it
10/10 op

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:30:00 No.468883615 Report

Quoted By: >>468883942

>>468883480
He passed the stomach bug to me.
Without him, that never would have happened.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:HO9UcyeJ Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:31:59 No.468883942 Report

Quoted By: >>468884190

>>468883615
Ahh, NOW GET THIS SHIT ARCHIVED

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:Ep8j3Oed Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:33:23 No.468884190 Report

Quoted By:

>>468883942
>this shit
>heh

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:69TDIGlc Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:49:13 No.468887168 Report

Quoted By:

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ejUctete Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:49:30 No.468887228 Report

Quoted By:

>>468874927
because they would've wanted me to eat something healthy and skip it

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:TP+wGRsW Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:55:59 No.468888328 Report

Quoted By:

keepin' it alive

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:TP+wGRsW Sat 30 Mar 2013 10:57:41 No.468888593 Report

Quoted By:

this shit will not 404 on me

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:TP+wGRsW Sat 30 Mar 2013 11:01:52 No.468889324 Report

Quoted By:

>mfw if 2 more votes aren't recieved, this won't be archived

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:TP+wGRsW Sat 30 Mar 2013 11:03:19 No.468889576 Report

Quoted By:

archived, motherfuckers

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