http://www.the-elite.net/story-generator/ It all started when our overrated adventurer, The dude, woke up in a bush. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling scarcely puzzled, The dude groped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, The slut. The dude had known The slut for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. The slut was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... stupid. The dude called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
The slut picked up to a very happy The dude. The slut calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet albino cats usually sassily shudder *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting The dude. Why was The slut trying to distract The dude? Because she had snuck out from The dude's with the iPad only five days prior. It was a striking little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before The dude got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. The slut turned red. Relunctantly, The slut invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. The dude grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, The slut realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if The dude took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, she had take at least six minutes before The dude would get there. But if he took the Golf cart? Then The slut would be excessively screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, The slut was interrupted by two stupid Squirrels that were lured by her iPad. The slut grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she fearlessly reached for her gerbil and aimlessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Golf cart rolling up. It was The dude.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, The dude was out of the Golf cart and went surreptitiously jaunting toward The slut's front door. Meanwhile inside, The slut was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. The slut was frustrated but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' The slut earnestly purred. With a calculated push, The dude opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' The slut assured him. The dude took a seat frighteningly close to where The slut had hidden the iPad. The slut turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But The dude was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, The slut noticed a annoying look on The dude's face. The dude slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
The slut felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when The dude asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on The dude's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. The dude nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before The slut could react, The dude aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
The dude stared at The slut for what what must've been five minutes. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, The slut groped exotically in The dude's direction, clearly desperate. The dude grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. The slut let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, The dude,' she rebuked. The slut always had been a little dimwitted, so The dude knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before The slut did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
The slut looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from The dude. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for The dude. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. The slut walked over to the window and looked down. The dude was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, The dude was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind The slut's place. The dude had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Squirrels suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to The dude. Already weakened from his injury, The dude yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Squirrels running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored The dude's iPad. Feeling worried, God smote the Squirrels for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and darted away with the fortitude of one million disease-carrying chipmunks running from a bloated pack of albino cats. The dude tripped with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, My little pony, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet gun'). The dude was elated. And so, everyone except The slut and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.
