/ck/ - Food & Cooking » Thread #3167052

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Anonymous !!g6AUaDAmPYX Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:00:00 No.3167052 View View Reply Original Report

Quoted By:

>Local manchild decides to throw a house party around halloween
>Manchild has basic cooking knowledge, asks everyone for advice
>Suggest pumpkin soup/stew/whatever for autumn theme
>Manchild considers that "faggot stuff" and decides to cook some kind of onion meal
>He cannot figure out onions at all
>Get invite to halloween house party
>Open unlocked front door
>Bottles of cheap beer everywhere
>Everyone is vomiting all over the place
>The vomit is vomiting
>The moon is vomiting
>Manchild is stamping up and down while shrieking that no one appreciates the effort he put into his cooking
>Frat boy spews all over Manchild
>Fistfight breaks out
>Fistfight turns into an all-out battle
>People slipping and sliding on vomit
>Turn around and leave

Cooking disaster stories. I know you have them.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:15:00 No.3167069 Report

Quoted By: >>3167087 >>3167193 >>3168036

I still don't know how to properly dice an onion.
I've seen the technique a million times, I just can't do it without the onion falling apart.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1275725264962.gif, 2MiB, 202x175

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:20:00 No.3167070 Report

Quoted By:

>go fishing with the boys and catch a bunch of trout
>get home, one of them says he will cook them after were done cleaning them
>he decided to bread and fry them
>everyone else is just fucking around/drinking not paying attention to what hes doing
>he puts a fucking bunch of baking soda in the mixture
>im the first one to try when hes done with over half the fish
>MOUTH IS BURNINGGGG

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:38:00 No.3167087 Report

Quoted By: >>3167207

>>3167069

Don't cut the root end, you know, the bit that holds all the layers together?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:47:00 No.3167094 Report

Quoted By:

>Decide to throw a Halloween party
>some faggot tells me to cook pumpkins
>make some onions instead
>get WASTED and fuck like 4 girls that night
>everyone said they had a blast

total disaster to clean up in the morning though

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:52:00 No.3167099 Report

Quoted By: >>3167114 >>3167165 >>3167288

>making a cake with wife and son
>get everything together, look up recipe for frosting
>realize we're out of eggs and sugar
>get ready to go to the store and buy some
>it's okay, honey. stay here and rest. i'll take jr with, I need to buy shampoo anyway
>ok, decide to take a nap
>wake up, house doesn't smell like cake
>police are knocking on my door
>they got hit by a drunk driver heading out of the parking lot
>i miss them more than anything

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO alfredo.jpg, 31KiB, 200x200

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 02:54:00 No.3167101 Report

Quoted By: >>3167197 >>3168175

>Mom doesn't usually cook, but decides to make chicken Alfredo, is all pumped up, urges me to get home from university fast to try her fancy dinner
>She has that cheap chicken, value time with injections, and dices it up without trimming the veins, gristle, or cartilage.
>Stir fries it in olive oil with frozen green beans, NOT A SINGLE SPICE.
>tosses it into microwaved noodles, pic related.

It was depressing.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1303359037836.gif, 8KiB, 645x773

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 03:13:00 No.3167114 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167099

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1315695550052.png, 46KiB, 210x220

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 03:48:00 No.3167165 Report

Quoted By: >>3167214

>>3167099
shit man, im sorry..

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:08:00 No.3167193 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167069

if will fall apart if you have soft onions. get a firmer onion. and wet the knife slightly so the sections you have just cut don't stick to the knife and make an unholy mess. ignore the anon thats telling you not to cut the roots, he's a fucking idiot and thats the first thing you do when you cut an onion.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:10:00 No.3167197 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167101

im here for you brotha. thats a nighmare of mine, that i will be forced to eat such unholy culinary concoctions

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:16:00 No.3167204 Report

Quoted By:

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1294199868548.jpg, 5KiB, 115x145

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:19:00 No.3167207 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167087

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:19:00 No.3167209 Report

Quoted By:

tl:dr

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:21:00 No.3167214 Report

Quoted By: >>3167227

>>3167165
no need to be sorry, it's not like it was you
the driver was never found but parts of a ford pick up were found at the scene
it's been 4 months and still no luck

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:23:00 No.3167217 Report

Quoted By: >>3167247

>get invited to party
>pick up beer on the way
>go inside, house reeks of onions
>fuck it, get wasted anyway
>everyone getting fucked up
>vomit everywhere
>get in a drunk fist fight with host
>roll around in vomit until I get kicked out
>stagger to car and barely manage to drive straight
>drive fast because too pissed and drunk to care
>hit a car pulling out of a parking lot
>my truck shreds it apart
>oh fuck look in rear view mirror
>mother and son bleeding to death
>drive away
>get home and eat some halloween candy
>mom calls me and I hear men talking
>find out firemen are there
>mom made steak in the oven and left it there for 4 hojrs at 450f
>said this is the last time I let my mom cook
>mom invites me over for chicken alfredo to make it up
>get out of school and visit mom
>chicken alredo is made with subpar ingredients and microwaved pasta
>god hates me for being an alcoholic

!!g6AUaDAmPYX

!!g6AUaDAmPYX Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:33:00 No.3167227 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167214
>it's been 4 months and still no cake
ftfy

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 04:43:00 No.3167247 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167217
I loled.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 05:08:00 No.3167275 Report

Quoted By:

Ohhhh, so that's why the moon was throwing up that night.

I thought it was a little odd.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 05:09:00 No.3167276 Report

Quoted By:

>sister decides to make tea
>puts metal kettle on stovetop
>god knows how long later
>"hey what smells like metal?"
>kettle is damaged beyond repair

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO mi babies.jpg, 31KiB, 450x300

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 05:17:00 No.3167284 Report

Quoted By:

This thread needs to be archived

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 05:26:00 No.3167288 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167099

HAHAHHA

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 13:01:00 No.3168008 Report

Quoted By:

not worthy enough to be achived yet

Coupon

Coupon Thu 13 Oct 2011 13:09:00 No.3168016 Report

Quoted By: >>3168033

>thanksgiving
>boyfriend and I want to have huge gathering
>invite 14 of our friends + family members
>friends all bale.
>only our parents decide to show
>parents first time meeting
>begin to panic
>contract strep throat the night before
>have enough turducken to feed 25 people, plus sides
>start cooking
>power goes out
>turkey in the no-longer-working oven
>no hot water while Im in the shower
>get sicker
>drive turkey across the county to a different house to cook
>cook for 2 hours
>get turkey
>return it to our house
>continue cooking it

The day proceeded a lot like that for the rest of the evening...
Many tears were shed...

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 13:25:00 No.3168033 Report

Quoted By:

>>3168016
i'm...so sorry.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO horizonatal slice onion a_rdAMvr (...).jpg, 4KiB, 320x240

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 13:27:00 No.3168036 Report

Quoted By:

>>3167069
1) Half the onion.
2) Cut the halves in half themselves (IE, quarter the onion), taking care that each quarter has a root-part attachment on it.
3) Remove the outer "skin" layer.
4) Lay an onion quarter cut-side down (either of the two cut sides is fine.
5) Slice vertically into the onion from the plant-tip-end down near-to (but not too far into, however) the root-end, making other similar slices parallel to the first and each other down the length of the quarter.
6) Turn the onion quarter over so that the other cut-side is down and the first is now on the side.
7) Repeat the steps outlined in #5.
8) Slice the onion quarter perpendicularly to the first two set of slices; perfect and safe dice without having to worry about the slightly-dangerous-for-knife-beginners parallel horizontal cuts (pic related).

This is how I teach knife-skills beginners to dice onions.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 13:37:00 No.3168055 Report

Quoted By:

>Dad Left Mom
>Mom goes fullretard.jpg
>Move back in with mom till she becomes emotionally stable
>Mom can't cook worth shit (no flavor, overdone, underdone, etc). She never has been able to.
>I cook professionally
>make Angel Food Cake with exceptionally simple orange glaze one night to cheer mom up
>mom likes
>fast forward a few weeks
>Sitting in room on 'puter
>mom wants to make glaze, bought angel food cake and ice cream
>"I can do it if you want..." "no no, anon, I want to" okay.jpg
>asks for recipe. lolrecipe.tar.gz, fine.wmv

1c OJ, 1c sugar, 1T lemon juice, 2T cornstarch
all into cold pot
Crank it.
Stir till omfgmagic.divx thickens
Boil for 2 min. DO NOT STOP STIRRING, EVEN IF HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN.
off heat, entirely
throw in 2T butter. KEEP FUCKING STIRRING.

>"ok i got it, thanks"

>30 minutes go by

"anon, I don't think you gave me the right recipe..."

>shoves saucepan of semi-orange blackened shit with whisk sticking out of it under my nose
>WTFBURNEDORANGES.apk

"You didn't stir it"
"yes I did"
"no, no you didn't"

>whisk won't come out of vitrified mass

wtfhappened.png

"Well, I started it, then my sister called, and I only talked to her for a moment and I came back to this!"

>grab her phone
>call timer log
>it was sitting on stove, burning, for 27 minutes

That pot sat on the kitchen counter for 3 days with the whisk sticking out of it, while mom attempted to 'soak' it out. I believe it then sat there for another week after she managed to get the whisk out, still trying to remove that shit.

I threw the pan away, and just bought her a new one.

Fuck. I love her to death, and I'm really glad she's doing better now (this was ~4 years ago). I still laugh about it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 16:20:00 No.3168175 Report

Quoted By: >>3168207

>>3167101
Your mom gets all excited to have you over for dinner and she tries her best to make it good and you fucking bitch about it on the internet?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 16:24:00 No.3168178 Report

Quoted By:

>break off all ties with idiot friends
>enjoy very few good quality friends and family
>eat good food and drinks
>every has a good time, every time
>post on 4chan

You can't soar like an eagle if you fly with crows.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 16:30:00 No.3168184 Report

Quoted By:

In my family, it is tradition to make pepper vodka for halloween. We drink from late afternoon to midnight or later. With various pickled vegetable to cut spiciness, we drink all night. We usually eat pork roast and sauerkraut with dumplings as well. Late at night, the older folks break out the slivovice and becherovka mixed with dark beer or tonic.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 13 Oct 2011 16:56:00 No.3168207 Report

Quoted By:

>>3168175

This is the worst attempt I have ever seen with this kind of bullshit.

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