>>3157723I'm a male, but I was a LOT like you. I abandoned the whole church thing but the whole "no sex until marriage" thing was big for me and I couldn't tell you why. Chalk it up to religious upbringing or conditioning - roman catholicism is very, very good at instilling unspecified feelings and guilt in people.
Anyway, I had done pretty much everything up to the actual penetration (blowjobs, 69, eating a girl out) and I realized two things:
1) Holding out just that one aspect for the "one you love" isn't noble at all, it's self delusion
2) After self deluding yourself about that, the actual act of sex will never, ever live up to your expectations
Sex the first time sucks, wether you're a guy or a girl. You need to do it a few times before you start to get the hang of it, if not from inexperience then from the huge amount of pressure you have in your mind. One day I just decided "fuck it" and went into it with no expectations, so I ended up with no regrets. Was it the awe inspiring life changing experience it was built up to be? Hell no. But was it fun? Hell yes.
Stop overthinking it and just have fun.