/hc1/ - Hardcore (Feb. 2008 - Nov. 2009)

[213 / 0 / ?]

Anonymous !3aV0WyLT9Y Wed 17 Dec 2008 11:26:00 No.371546 View View Reply Original Report

ITT: stupid things you've said during sex.

Stupidest thing I ever said: "You have the most beautiful asshole."

I was getting a reverse cowgirl (see pic) at the time. Her asshole WAS beautiful. She didn't say anything about my comment, but she was clearly a little freaked out and didn't spend the night after we finished, or return any of my calls later. :(

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 11:29:00 No.371551 Report

Quoted By:

ARRRRR MY DICK FEELS LIKE CORN

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 11:31:00 No.371554 Report

Quoted By:

This is win, the story is way better then the returned phone calls

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 11:59:00 No.371593 Report

Quoted By:

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:07:00 No.371602 Report

Quoted By:

"i cant find the hole"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:13:00 No.371606 Report

Quoted By:

Fuck her if she can't take a compliment, op.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO IMG_3701.jpg, 48KiB, 800x600

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:15:00 No.371610 Report

Quoted By: >>371612

Femanon here.

"Is it in yet?"

It was my first time and my boyfriend had just put it in and asked if it hurt. I really didn't feel it go in. He was upset.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:17:00 No.371612 Report

Quoted By:

>>371610
That's funny! The first time I had sex, I was laying down and my girlfriend climbed on top and started grinding away. She asked me how I liked it and I said ...

"Did it even go in?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:23:00 No.371621 Report

Quoted By:

" i thought they were bigger"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:24:00 No.371623 Report

Quoted By:

That was it?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:27:00 No.371630 Report

Quoted By:

'booooyah!'

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:38:00 No.371653 Report

Quoted By:

her: "FUCK ME, FUCK ME"
me: "uh..i am fucking you.."

duh..

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:44:00 No.371660 Report

Quoted By: >>371816 >>372227 >>372367

A girl I had been seeing for 2 months or so. "What would your mom do to me if she caught us like this." During. Not a good use of words on my part, she took it the wrong way and kicked me out of the bed.

This one happened to my cousin. He was completely obsessed with that cartoon Avatar. For those that don't know, they have some huge flying animal or something and when they mount it they say "yip yip". While he was doing his gf who also watched that cartoon, he thought it would be funny to make those "yip yip" sounds. She took it as in insult, thought he meant she was fat (which she was). I think she broke up with him shortly after he told me that.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:56:00 No.371671 Report

Quoted By:

I once seriously accidentally called my girlfriend my ex-gf's name, prior to sex. As in I was rubbing her cunt and I said "Wow X you're soaked"

her name wasn't x.

(she browses, so safety first :])

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 12:58:00 No.371672 Report

Quoted By:

"oh shit...I lost the condom." (after i pulled out flaccid.)

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:02:00 No.371678 Report

Quoted By:

She, in her most unnatural voice : "fuck me harder".
Me, i just laughed out loud, unable to control myself.

We never talked about it. kinda lame since i had been telling her she was not communicating enough during sex.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:03:00 No.371679 Report

Quoted By: >>371686 >>372251 >>373007

She said "Can I do anything for you?" during sex.

I said, "Can you stop talking?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:09:00 No.371685 Report

Quoted By:

>>371546
So I came way before I wanted to (only about 10 minutes). This is as I'm pulling out:

Me: "Well that sucked..."
Her: "Wow... Fuck you. Get the fuck off of me."

She thought I meant that she was a bad fuck.. Whoops.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:09:00 No.371686 Report

Quoted By:

>>371679
shame on you, anon.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO Missionary_Position.jpg, 27KiB, 586x316

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:13:00 No.371693 Report

Quoted By: >>373007

I once said "I love you" to a girl while having consensual sex in the missionary position.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:20:00 No.371700 Report

Quoted By:

Hah some of these are great, moar!

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:23:00 No.371705 Report

Quoted By: >>371710 >>371729 >>371731

She was on top of me, sliding across my dick, when I said, "I love it when you fuck me like a guy." She got pissed, punched me, then left.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:29:00 No.371710 Report

Quoted By:

>>371705
wtf ^^

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:32:00 No.371714 Report

Quoted By:

god, women are so sensitive
and i am so ronery ;(

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:43:00 No.371729 Report

Quoted By:

>>371705

LOL
Well that's gay.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:44:00 No.371730 Report

Quoted By:

not something i said, but once she queefed and i was like "whatever, it happens", but she felt so ashamed that she actually pooped a bit

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:45:00 No.371731 Report

Quoted By:

>>371705
dis anon be gay

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:50:00 No.371735 Report

Quoted By:

more sage plz

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 13:54:00 No.371740 Report

Quoted By: >>371780 >>371879

Not me but the girl. Irish-American little redhead decides she will be the one to break me in and take my virginity. From first kiss on the couch to trying to get my dick in her in the bedroom, she kept asking: "What are you thinking about?" every minute or so. I kept lying that it was her sparkly eyes or something.

Her own insecurity killed my mood. Do you have any idea how stressful and difficult it is to keep coming up with a creative new answer and IT'S YOUR FIRST FUCKING TIME.

Needless to say, I gave up penetration, settled with making out some more and never saw her again.

Epilogue: So very happy I lost my virginity to someone else months later who was so beautiful and awesome it made this firecrotch fall of the bottom end of the scale. I couldn't be more grateful for someone else's self-defeating insecurity.

TheBlueManGrope

TheBlueManGrope Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:03:00 No.371751 Report

Quoted By:

Her: "Do you love me?"
Me: "...yes? ...do you love me?"
Her: "..."

We didn't go through with it, thank god.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:06:00 No.371752 Report

Quoted By: >>372196

Once this bitch pooped on my dick and i was like what the fuck bitch why did you do that and she told me i was a faget and showed a felix the cat doll up my ass. Married 20 years and i cheat on her every weekend.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:27:00 No.371767 Report

Quoted By: >>372251

some of these i've heard from friends:

gf: hey, im kinda embarrassed...
bf: alright, you wanna take a shower or something first?
gf: what? you saying i stink or something? jesus christ
bf: what? i thought a shower might relax you a bit, and most people go for showers before sex.
gf: oh, i see, so im too tense for you then, and i stink. well im not like most people, i dont want a shower. im fine.jesus christ. you really know how to whoo a woman
bf: well fine then. geez, all i asked a was a question to see how you were doing. is that so wrong during sex?
gf: oh so its all my fault then?
bf: ....
not sure if they fucked.

another one:
gf: hey...what do you want?
bf: hmm...what have you got babe?
gf: well...that depends if you've been a good boy or not.
bf: alright, if i've been a bad boy, do i get a spanking?
gf: yep
bf: if i've been a good boy, do i get something special?
gf: if you've been a good boy, i might be able to do something special for you, anything i guess...
bf: i've been a good boy.
gf: really? well then, i'll have to do something extra special for you...what do you want? deepthroat?
bf: not really, call your friend stephanie over.
gf: ... no, fuck you.
bf: aww come on! you said anything!

and i think they broke up not to soon after that

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:35:00 No.371773 Report

Quoted By:

I once asked my girlfriend if she remembered to take her pill. Like right before she was climaxing.

There is no faster way to kill a woman's orgasm

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:43:00 No.371780 Report

Quoted By:

>>371740

requesting name, pictures, videos, telephone number, current address

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:48:00 No.371783 Report

Quoted By:

while eating a chick out, "tastes like chicken" she just laughed hystarically then we fucked.

her after sex "so how many other women have you fucked in the company?"
me riding the high of sex "3 or 4"
her "WHAT THE HELL"
me "o dont worry they were drunk they dont remember, our jobs are safe"

and im still employed mwuahaha

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:51:00 No.371784 Report

Quoted By:

does farting count as something I said?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:54:00 No.371786 Report

Quoted By:

gf: hey...what do you want?
bf: hmm...what have you got babe?
gf: well...that depends if you've been a good boy or not.
bf: alright, if i've been a bad boy, do i get a spanking?
gf: yep
bf: if i've been a good boy, do i get something special?
gf: if you've been a good boy, i might be able to do something special for you, anything i guess...
bf: i've been a good boy.
gf: really? well then, i'll have to do something extra special for you...what do you want? deepthroat?
bf: not really, call your friend stephanie over.
gf: ... no, fuck you.
bf: aww come on! you said anything!

and i think they broke up not to soon after that

priceless

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 14:56:00 No.371790 Report

Quoted By: >>371808 >>371971

farted during 69....... never saw her again

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:10:00 No.371805 Report

Quoted By:

My first time the girl rode me til she came quite a few times. One time she apparently came so hard she crapped a little on my balls. I didn't know until after when she got too tired and fell on the bed beside me from a break. (This was like after orgasm number 7 for her.) Being my first time I was too nervous to actually cum.

So I get up to go wash up, and look back at her and notice crap all over her ass... tell her she should go wash up (being subtle). She comes back out bawling, but after I wash up she's okay and she rolls over and looks at me and goes "So was it good for you?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:11:00 No.371808 Report

Quoted By:

>>371790

been there, done that

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:15:00 No.371816 Report

Quoted By: >>373021

>>371660

My friend is like this, he loves family guy, and there was a part when Peter 'got his groove' back in bed and yelled the same thing my friend did (lost his virginity that night): SHA-ZAAM!

They're still together.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:18:00 No.371819 Report

Quoted By:

such a good thread

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:23:00 No.371824 Report

Quoted By:

more more more

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 15:28:00 No.371835 Report

Quoted By:

after hitting her head on the ground:

"do you want to stop to put your helmet on?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 16:01:00 No.371866 Report

Quoted By:

in bedroom.

i haven't a booner.

she looks it with strange face.

my words: "Hey, rise up and Walk,ok?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 16:19:00 No.371879 Report

Quoted By:

>>371740

Wow, she then got passed on to me, and instead starting saying "what do you want?" constantly. bitch, stfu. name her.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 16:21:00 No.371882 Report

Quoted By: >>371888

"Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 16:32:00 No.371888 Report

Quoted By:

>>371882
cindy?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 17:02:00 No.371908 Report

Quoted By:

bump for the epic thread

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 17:20:00 No.371918 Report

Quoted By:

lol more

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 17:33:00 No.371935 Report

Quoted By: >>372822

I was h alf asleep in bed with this chick, she started playing with my dick and it was about half limp. she was slidding it between her ass cheacks and then she pushed the head into her ass hole and gigle and whispered to me "its in my pooper" then I abruptly woke more up and my cock instantly grew and she screamed as it stretched her asshole, and she got mad at me..... what a slut

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 17:50:00 No.371962 Report

Quoted By:

My mate b3ni who lurks these parts, his girlfriend let him fuck your pooper when she was on and made him call out the names of all the pokemon in order.

She's been shagging his mate so we don't talk to her anymore unless it's to call her a whore.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:00:00 No.371971 Report

Quoted By:

>>371790
chick was on top of me, and she put her hands on my stomach region for like balance...
she really shouldn't of squeezed there me...that was one helluva faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart...

Femanon

Femanon Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:03:00 No.371974 Report

Quoted By:

I think the weirdest thing I've said was, while being done doggystyle, "Fuck me like a _dog_"

My first BF had a talent for saying turn-off things just when I was getting up there. I have trouble orgasming at the best of times (it's a control thing, i can't let go) and he'd say things like "wow, your face is really red!" when I was just on the edge.
And on one memorable time when I was on top (it's hard for me to move like that because my knees are bad) I was just getting into it and forgetting the pain and out he came with... "Your mother is right, you really could stand to loose some weight"

Great way to make me less selfconscious! Should have broken up with the asshole way sooner.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:24:00 No.371989 Report

Quoted By: >>372262

While eating her out:
Gimme a flashlight, I wanna see inside of you

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:28:00 No.371992 Report

Quoted By:

Calling out the nickname of my ex. : /

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:38:00 No.372001 Report

Quoted By:

Not really so much what I said, more what I did.

About to penetrate my gf, and I had to fart so I let one out. She dried up almost immediately. Being the courteous fellow I am, I lubed up and plowed her for a good 10 minutes or so before I got off.

I don't think she ever did.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 18:40:00 No.372003 Report

Quoted By:

I have said "You have the most beautiful asshole." to my gf. She really liked it. Responded as if I had said she was beautiful.

But to be fair, she loves me and your random whore apparently doesn't.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:05:00 No.372019 Report

Quoted By:

Not quite in the middle of sex. My boyfriend had a short spell where he couldn't stay hard. We were both drunk (probably a contributing factor to him going soft), and I have a quick temper when I'm drunk.
Anyway, I knew about some chick he banged before he knew me. He said he only had sex with her a few times, and all times they were both drunk.
I was mad about him going soft, got up and starting putting my clothes back on. He asked where I what I was doing, and I said, "You got it up for _____." and walked out of the room. We almost broke up over it. I'm such an asshole. :(

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:09:00 No.372024 Report

Quoted By: >>372034 >>372137 >>372185 >>372657 >>372947

Not going to cite specific posts, but I don't get how people call out the name of the wrong person. How does this happen?!

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:15:00 No.372034 Report

Quoted By:

>>372024

Indeed, that shit only happens in movies..

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:19:00 No.372037 Report

Quoted By:

Pulled off her panties.

"Wow! You need to shave!"

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO DSC98284234.jpg, 252KiB, 864x1152

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:22:00 No.372039 Report

Quoted By: >>372656

I told her not to take off her bra for once.

For the rest of our relationship she kept saying I didn´t like her boobs and wouldn't show them to me. And it's not that I didn't like them, it's just that the idea of having sex whitout getting completely naked turns me on. She wouldn't understand it, though, so I dumped her three weeks later.

Pic related. It's her.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:23:00 No.372042 Report

Quoted By: >>372045

after blowing my load...

"ta da"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:25:00 No.372045 Report

Quoted By:

>>372042

I lol'd

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:30:00 No.372049 Report

Quoted By: >>372974

being asked if you love her while shes on top of you..

my stupid ass sed yes

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:39:00 No.372058 Report

Quoted By:

moar?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:47:00 No.372066 Report

Quoted By:

god damn this is an epic thread

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:49:00 No.372067 Report

Quoted By:

when i'm in her: "hey what do you think about abortions?"

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:51:00 No.372068 Report

Quoted By:

Told her I loved her, she didn't reply and she wouldn't kiss me when I was fucking her either.

We were not dating each other at the time.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:53:00 No.372069 Report

Quoted By:

LOL sayin i like you when they say i love you

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 19:59:00 No.372074 Report

Quoted By:

more accounts from friends:

bf: man that was good...
gf: yeah...i love you
bf: love you too.
what are you thinking about?
gf: just thinking about you. why? what are you thinking about?
bf: sex.
gf: but we just had sex.
bf: i know, but im not thinking about us sex.
gf: then who?
bf: .... (time passes) do you want pancakes?
gf: no, you can sleep on the couch.

my friend chatted up and brought this girl back to his place. as its dark and he starts eating her out, he stops and yells: "what the FUCK is that?
she ups and leaves pretty much straight away.
im guessing what he was licking was NOT the clitoris, but something like genital herpes or something.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:00:00 No.372075 Report

Quoted By:

one time i said..can i cum on your face, and she looked at me hella funny

she was like no..you can cum in my mouth - __ -

Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:08:00 No.372078 Report

Quoted By: >>372083 >>372357

Q: What's yellow/orange, full of bullshit and has 71 virgin males in it?

A: This thread!

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:10:00 No.372079 Report

Quoted By:

GF queefed while I was eating her out, so I drew back and jokingly said, "That's it. I'm not going near that thing again, until it stops growling at me." That was the end of anything sexual for that night. She was a touch miffed.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:14:00 No.372080 Report

Quoted By: >>372851

>I was h alf asleep in bed with this chick, she started playing with my dick and it was about half limp. she was slidding it between her ass cheacks and then she pushed the head into her ass hole and gigle and whispered to me "its in my pooper" then I abruptly woke more up and my cock instantly grew and she screamed as it stretched her asshole, and she got mad at me..... what a slut

FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:22:00 No.372083 Report

Quoted By:

>>372078
That was some serious win, Anon.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:30:00 No.372087 Report

Quoted By:

"Boom-shaka-laka."

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:37:00 No.372092 Report

Quoted By:

I was giving bf a blowjob. He kept saying "Suck that dick. Suck that dick." So I yelled "I AM". He went soft and just about cried.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:40:00 No.372094 Report

Quoted By: >>372143

Was fucking my gf in the ass, and said
clamp down
what?
like, squeeze it
huh?
like you're trying to hold back
not getting it
like, you're trying to hold back a fart or something
...
...
...
...
...
*squeeze*
OH GOD

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 20:48:00 No.372102 Report

Quoted By:

i lol'ed (as in saying lol), she raffed.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:12:00 No.372124 Report

Quoted By: >>372656

Her: Fuck Me like we're in Highschool.

I stop and say, "What, poorly?"

Apparently this pissed her off. Really pissed her off. Enough that she punched me in the god damn snout.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:21:00 No.372136 Report

Quoted By: >>372284

One time me and my girlfriend were going at it. She was on time and asked me if I wanted her to switch to reverse cowgirl.

Well, during this one instant of not sex, a commercial on the T.V. (which we had been watching but became distracted) reminded me I need to get my mother a birthday present.

So less than a second after asking if I want her to turn around, I say "Oh shit, that reminds me I need to call my mom!"

The look on her face was priceless.

We've been dating for 2 years and she stills gives me shit about it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:26:00 No.372137 Report

Quoted By:

>>372024

Muscle Memory.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:27:00 No.372138 Report

Quoted By:

i was doing a girl in the ass, and she was really wet. i thought she'd pissed herself.
i then asked her if she'd pissed herself. she wasn't too impressed.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:38:00 No.372143 Report

Quoted By:

>>372094

>OH GOD

Oh God like "OH FUCK WOW THATS AWESOME"

or

OH GOD YOU SHAT ON ME.

Guessing the latter, as the title of the thread implies...

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO sina.jpg, 183KiB, 567x1828

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 21:50:00 No.372148 Report

Quoted By: >>372439 >>372851

true story

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:17:00 No.372171 Report

Quoted By: >>372202

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 1 times now.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:29:00 No.372177 Report

Quoted By:

While getting head... I told a girl "Your mom would be so proud..."

In my defense, she was always telling me that she was un-shockable... Proved her wrong !

We're not together anymore...

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:38:00 No.372185 Report

Quoted By:

>>372024
being a pot head with a shit memory...
ah, regret...

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:53:00 No.372193 Report

Quoted By:

So i was fucking this girl when all of a sudden I felt things get very wet inside of her. Now i knew this was not orgasmic wetness but something else. And I had a feeling I knew exactly what it was.

I looked down and there is my dick covered in delicious period blood. Then I told her "Hey, your uterus broke on me, it smells like shit."

Needless to say she was extremely embarrassed and made a freak run to the bathroom. We never really talked about sex after that unfortunate event.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:54:00 No.372194 Report

Quoted By:

not during, but before we'd done anything, about half an hour beforehand her sister had been in her room asking what we thought of her new clubbing outfit (pvc stuff, conincidentally).
later, as we're getting started, i blurt out with "you know, i can see why everyone wants to fuck your sister"

she was quiet for about two hours before i realised what i'd done... lol

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 22:56:00 No.372196 Report

Quoted By:

>>371752

What a fucking idiot.

Manonymous

Manonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:04:00 No.372202 Report

Quoted By:

>>372171
>>372171
>>372171

wut?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:10:00 No.372206 Report

Quoted By:

One time my gf was riding me and I don't know she was into some highschool sex kink thing or whatever because she looks down at me and says "Be my bad schoolboy" and I just fucking lost it and cracked up, I couldn't help myself

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:13:00 No.372207 Report

Quoted By:

A lady was about to blow me. She said she was pretty good at it. I told her that her daughter said the same thing a couple of weeks ago. They were both actually pretty good, but not the best ever.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:17:00 No.372209 Report

Quoted By:

RECEIVE MY SEED

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:44:00 No.372227 Report

Quoted By:

>>371660

If you don't mind, I'll be importing this to /co/

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:44:00 No.372228 Report

Quoted By:

I haven't said anything especially stupid yet. My ex was always bitching at me to talk dirty, and I said something and she just gave me this really dirty look and shouted "NO." I don't remember what I said but I was just in the moment and I was trying to do what she wanted... made me feel pretty self conscious about it afterward.

One time though she wanted to have sex. So I'm eating her out and stuff and she starts queefing. A lot. Then she starts farting. A lot. On purpose because she thought it was hilarious. I got really turned off and she got really pissed at me. I guess I thought it was pretty normal for me not to be turned on by farting and queefing, but whatever.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 17 Dec 2008 23:49:00 No.372232 Report

Quoted By: >>372337 >>372656

So we're in bed, I'm getting a hand job, and my GF at the time says to me "So you wanna do something else?"

I say "What like Tennis?"

WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT FOR I COULD OF GOT A BLOW JOB!

FUCKING HELL.

Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:01:00 No.372245 Report

Quoted By:

This thread is pure win.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:05:00 No.372251 Report

Quoted By:

>>371679

I not only lol'd, I clapped my hands.

>>371767

this one too

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:08:00 No.372253 Report

Quoted By: >>372276

I once did it while the tv was on and a commercial came
on that i knew the song to and i without thought started singing it..

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:16:00 No.372262 Report

Quoted By:

>>371989
Hahaha

My girfriend once drooled on me while she was on top..
I laughed.

Bump

Oddly enough

Bump Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:27:00 No.372273 Report

Quoted By: >>372359

A couple of days ago, I was with a girl, and was all like
"What turns you on?"
"Guess," She said.
. . .
. . .
. . .
"Fuck no, that's boring, tell me."
And she did, and I did it, and she came. Damn it feels good to be an asshole sometimes.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:27:00 No.372274 Report

Quoted By:

"ten minutes? well its your fault, its been a week, and you enjoyed it too much -.-"
she was not impressed
its been a while now :(

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:28:00 No.372276 Report

Quoted By:

>>372253
I did that when I was getting a blowjob, and she just got up and walked away.

Why did we do that?!?!?!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:34:00 No.372284 Report

Quoted By:

>>372136
You, sir, are the champion.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 00:59:00 No.372337 Report

Quoted By:

>>372232
HAHAHAHA!!!!

THATS GREAT!!!!!!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:20:00 No.372357 Report

Quoted By:

>>372078

Cry more, virgin.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:22:00 No.372359 Report

Quoted By:

>>372273
that has nothing to do with beeing an asshole. it's just short and precise, but also polite.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:24:00 No.372362 Report

Quoted By: >>372931

>>371546
Spanked her ass and said "you like that?" because I seent too many pornos.

She said yes but never talked to me again.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:25:00 No.372365 Report

Quoted By: >>372656 >>372924

Ex was bouncing on top of me when her hip bone cracked.

'Woah, slow down grandma'

She was not impressed.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:27:00 No.372367 Report

Quoted By:

>>371660
>>371660
>>371660
I FUCKING LOL'D

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 01:49:00 No.372385 Report

Quoted By:

ive never had sex but when i was getting a handjob I was like "this is starting to hurt a little" hoping she'd start sucking my dick.

she just tugged me differently. and it hurt more.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 02:21:00 No.372421 Report

Quoted By:

While going down on this girl in my truck i saw something on the floor that I didnt recognize.

Whats That?

needless to say she thought i was completely incompetent

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 02:28:00 No.372439 Report

Quoted By:

>>372148

Oh god, I lol'd hard

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:00:00 No.372487 Report

Quoted By:

He was fucking me from behind while the 40 year old virgin was on. I turned around and said "Oh, you're nailing me. Awesome!" He slapped me and went on with his business. So hawt...

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:03:00 No.372488 Report

Quoted By:

"If you don't cry, I can't cum."

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:08:00 No.372491 Report

Quoted By:

I once said "you're kind of loose" to a girl while fucking. She got pretty pissed but she didn't stop, so I guess she really wanted some sex. Took me like 20 minutes to come, it was like fucking a hola-hoop. Never returned her calls.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:08:00 No.372492 Report

Quoted By:

during doggy style sex i go "haha, did you fart?" i thought it was funny because farts are funny. turns out she didn't though and it just smelled because she hadn't taken a shower/bath since her dump in the morning and her asshole stench was wafting up. yeah, she decided a shower was a better idea than sex that night. dumb girl, i didn't give a fuck.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:20:00 No.372505 Report

Quoted By: >>372597 >>372656

I was going at it with my ex, and she really liked dirty talk. She talked a lot during sex, yelling what she wants, etc etc. "FASTER! HARDER! HARDER! FUCK ME FUCK ME". Kind of hot in small doses, but she did it constantly, and really loudly too.

So she was giving me the reverse cowboy and started shouting "do you like that", and i replied "I'd like it more if you'd shut the fuck up!" She punched me in the balls.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:24:00 No.372512 Report

Quoted By: >>372610

"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 03:28:00 No.372520 Report

Quoted By:

Did I pay for that or just rub it on my face ?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:04:00 No.372575 Report

Quoted By:

"I love how your balls slap against my ass."

Said while I was getting done missionary. My fuck buddy thought it was so funny he started laughing and couldn't finish.

I love anal stimulation and it really did feel good how his balls were slapping my asshole. I didn't want him to stop. :(

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:12:00 No.372597 Report

Quoted By:

>>372505

Did you fuck through it?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:16:00 No.372602 Report

Quoted By:

Dont Move!
was about to cum .. she moved ... best feelin ever postponing it but i didnt want to ... XD

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:19:00 No.372610 Report

Quoted By: >>372649 >>372656

>>372512

Bullshit, thats from Fight Club

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:32:00 No.372627 Report

Quoted By:

"You know I can't date you, right?"

Ed Wood

Ed Wood Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:54:00 No.372649 Report

Quoted By:

>>372610

But it's still a good line to whip out on occasion.

On of my faves is "I almost came this time" after it's rather obvious that I did.

Or, from Woody Allen: After she says 'that was great' you respond "I guess all of those years of practice by myself paid off!"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:56:00 No.372650 Report

Quoted By:

worst ever was during doggystyle sex, her shouting out 'fuck my cunt' at the top of her voice and me sayin ' my dick is in your pussy.. is this not classed as fucking your cunt?'

she lost all interest and got dressed.. that was the last time i ever fucked her!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 04:57:00 No.372653 Report

Quoted By: >>372847 >>372984

She nicked named my penis "Zeus" since i was the first person to ever make her cum during sex...so when she came again, i said "Zeus strikes again"....we both just kinda stared for a moment...akward silence...then kept going.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:00:00 No.372656 Report

Quoted By:

>>372039
ty>>372610
pical. women, they're nuts..
>>372124
wtf! xD
>>372232
pwned
>>372365
rofl
>>372505
nice one, anon. nothing worse than a blabbering whore.
>>372610
doesn't mean you can't say it...

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:01:00 No.372657 Report

Quoted By:

>>372024

dated two girls whos names were four letters long and both were like *a*a, so that's how that happened.

Also one time me and an ex were fooling around when she told me to put on some music, so I got up and went to my computer and turned on Massive Attack's Blue Lines and she fucking laughed at me. I should of broken up with her for not realizing how awesome that album is.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:06:00 No.372662 Report

Quoted By:

deep throat blows....

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:14:00 No.372671 Report

Quoted By: >>372675 >>372676 >>372681 >>372686

I was doing my GF in the missionary position. The moment after I came, i looked down to see a flood of blood around mine and here genitals. My first reaction was: "I hope it's yours". She wasn't to happy and freakrunned to the bathroom.

Ps: it was my blood =(

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:14:00 No.372673 Report

Quoted By:

>>some of these i've heard from friends:

>gf: hey, im kinda embarrassed...
>bf: alright, you wanna take a shower or >something first?
>gf: what? you saying i stink or something? >jesus christ
>bf: what? i thought a shower might relax you a >bit, and most people go for showers before sex.
>gf: oh, i see, so im too tense for you then, >and i stink. well im not like most people, i >dont want a shower. im fine.jesus christ. you >really know how to whoo a woman
>bf: well fine then. geez, all i asked a was a >question to see how you were doing. is that so >wrong during sex?
>gf: oh so its all my fault then?
>bf: ....
That kind of way of thinking of women I will never get.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:16:00 No.372675 Report

Quoted By:

>>372671
>it was my blood =(

THE FUCK?

Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:17:00 No.372676 Report

Quoted By:

>>372671

What the fuck

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:24:00 No.372681 Report

Quoted By: >>372693

>>372671

EXPLAIN YOURSELF

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:27:00 No.372686 Report

Quoted By:

>>372671

lol aids

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:27:00 No.372687 Report

Quoted By:

ive done two things
first was "your breasts are not the biggest ive seen" (dont know why the fuck i said that)
and "uuhh maybe later" (she wanted to kiss after she swallowed my cum)

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:31:00 No.372693 Report

Quoted By: >>372700

>>372681

i fucking can't. A minute later i was cleaning my dick and i had a little cut, just below my "dickhead" (dutchfag, can't recall the term). Don't know how it got there. A week later (when the wound was healed) i called her vagina a peniseater just before having sex. Again; she was not too happy.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:45:00 No.372700 Report

Quoted By:

>>372693
the word is glans, but dickhead works fine

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:46:00 No.372701 Report

Quoted By: >>372706 >>372722

My girlfriend was sucking me off and I blew my load in her mouth.

That was pretty much the only thing she WOULDN'T let me do during sex, she hated the taste. I slipped.

Anyway, she stands up, plants a firm kiss on my lips, and spits my own jizz into my mouth. Then goes "how do you like it?"

I said: "Eh, I've had better"

Then we just sort of stared at each other for a bit.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:54:00 No.372706 Report

Quoted By:

>>372701
HOT.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 05:55:00 No.372711 Report

Quoted By: >>372751

After reading a post here, I sent it to my girlfriend and asked, "can I cum in your mouth"?

And she was like "Nah, but you can come in my face."

She was probably joking, but I just love how she's so open minded she doesn't freak out when I say stuff like these.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 06:06:00 No.372722 Report

Quoted By: >>372913

>>372701
It is wrong I want my partner to do that?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 06:14:00 No.372731 Report

Quoted By:

i've blown it in my g/f's mouth and kissed her afterward.

feels good man.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 06:29:00 No.372751 Report

Quoted By:

>>372711
Wow yeah. Sounds like she's very open minded. I mean, mine lets me come in her mouth all the time, but, you know, yours sounds pretty good too.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 06:30:00 No.372754 Report

Quoted By:

I'm Harry Potter, and here's my magic wand.

nomnomnom

nomnomnom Thu 18 Dec 2008 06:44:00 No.372765 Report

Quoted By:

"you've got a perty shit tap" said that after downing half a bottle of patron and petting her head at the same time :) felt good man

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:02:00 No.372790 Report

Quoted By:

I talked my girlfriend at the time into having sex while she was on her period, saying it wouldn't bother me. Then when I pulled out and my cock hit my leg, leaving behind a dead placenta smear, I promptly freaked out.

Same girl, different period, she had a tampon in and we were messing around and the string kept brushing my leg and I kept laughing. She didn't appreciate that.

Another time a girl was giving me head and like, she hummed or mumbled or something, unintentionally and I told her that felt good so she says "What do you want me to hum on your dick?"

The answer was yes. She didn't do it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:17:00 No.372800 Report

Quoted By: >>372829 >>372879

Me and my flatmates intentionally had a contest to see who could yell the stupidest thing during orgasm.

Mine was "KAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA""

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:22:00 No.372805 Report

Quoted By:

My cousin told me he told a girl once, "Do you want it?"

Mine is worse: "Suck my pee pee."

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:24:00 No.372807 Report

Quoted By:

i said "i want my dick in your mouth" to my girlfriend. she did it. and swallowed. feels good man.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:31:00 No.372819 Report

Quoted By:

after cuming "And boom goes the dynamite." Surprisingly, she did not watch Family Guy as much as me and thought I was just stupid.
Also, lived with a couple guys, and every time one of us got laid we'd yell "BYAHHH!!!" like in Chapelle's Show. That was always funny.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:37:00 No.372822 Report

Quoted By:

>>371935

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:49:00 No.372829 Report

Quoted By:

>>372800
i lol'd so hard

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 07:59:00 No.372839 Report

Quoted By:

A friend of mine once asked his GF to call him a T-rex, She did, he then yelled cause he wanted her to say TURANASAURUS REX.. I lol'd

Same friend, diff girl.. He was doing this chick doggy style and he started to say, "Im a robot... Im a robot"

Same friend diff girl, After waking up next to a chick he asked if "They had the sexuals"

Same friend Diff girl... He wanted to watch TV chick wanted sex, she jumps on top and he couldn't see the TV, he positioned her so he could watch TV, he let out a laugh and kept watching TV and fucking the chick..

MY FRIEND IS EPIC WIN!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:09:00 No.372842 Report

Quoted By:

after a particularly amazing blowjob, all i could manage was "wow...jesus" etc. She then says "told you i was good" and my response was, for some reason i still don't quite understand, "i'll say, you could suck a golfball through a garden hose"
...
...
...
(her) "you what?"
(me) "you've never heard that before?"

rhymenonymous

rhymenonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:16:00 No.372847 Report

Quoted By:

>>372653

That's like a PBF strip waiting to happen

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:16:00 No.372848 Report

Quoted By:

My gf gets ridiculously wet when I finger her, and by the time i get my cock in her, she's practically gushing. I once said "it's like fucking a water balloon".

Not the smartest thing I've ever said.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:18:00 No.372850 Report

Quoted By:

I asked my girlfriend if she ever jilled herself while thinking about me, and she said "yes, of course". Then she asked me if I thought about her when I whack off and I said,

"Sometimes"

That got me cut off for about two weeks.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:19:00 No.372851 Report

Quoted By:

>>372080
>>372148

I love you so much, internet

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:19:00 No.372854 Report

Quoted By: >>372856

I had just smoked a bowl with a girl, and she managed to talk me into sex, even though it was during her period. i plowed her for about 3 minutes, then looked down and saw the blood on the towel shed put down. I freaked out and screamed.
about 30 minutes later she said "that wasnt that bad!"
still high, i responded "IT WAS A FUCKING BLOODBATH YOU WHORE"
she was angry for a few days.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:19:00 No.372855 Report

Quoted By: >>372860 >>372950

Missionary. All of a sudden I get a weird comedic/clown vibe or something, and start bucking. I say "I'M GONNA GRAB YOUR STUFF!"
Then I grabbed at her breasts and started flapping them around, saying "IM GRABBING YOUR STUFF!! HA!!"

what the fuck?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:21:00 No.372856 Report

Quoted By:

>>372854
LOL!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:21:00 No.372858 Report

Quoted By:

I sang "swing low, Sweet Chariot" while getting some dome. But i did it in order to freak her out, she laughed and then domed me more enthusiastically.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:23:00 No.372860 Report

Quoted By:

>>372855

I lol'd. I'm totally gonna say that next time my gf and I fuck.

"I'M GONNA GRAB YOUR STUFF! HEEEHEE HOOHOO I'M GRABBIN UR STUFF"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:30:00 No.372873 Report

Quoted By:

>>371546

Most fucking stupid thing "I'm about to cum, stick your finger in my ass." She got off, got dressed and left, I just sat there with my wtf did I say that for face on.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:32:00 No.372875 Report

Quoted By:

i've also had impromteu clown moments... best i've done was making a "honk honk" noise like a horn while squeezing the breasts in time

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:35:00 No.372878 Report

Quoted By:

She said spank me, so I did. And then she said harder, so I spanked her again. Then she said harder even louder, so I smacked her again, this time left a really bright red hand print. She screams, "no not like that!".

So... I punched her in the back of the head and she smacked her face onto the head board.

She meant "fuck me harder".

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:37:00 No.372879 Report

Quoted By:

>>372800

haha you sir are a legend

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:38:00 No.372880 Report

Quoted By:

My gf asked me "what are you thinking" while I was plowing her missionary style. When I have sex, I try to remember as many state capitals as I can, helps me last longer.

I said "Nebraska!"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:50:00 No.372893 Report

Quoted By:

This is what I love about me and my current gf. We say retarded shit to each other all the time (she even more than me, sometimes), and neither of us get turned off by it. It's like, we're horny, and we laugh. Two great things rolled into one.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:52:00 No.372897 Report

Quoted By:

There's this song about cows, goes something like "I got those milk 'em in the morning and feed 'em, milk 'em in the evening blues..." Don't have a lue why there is such a song, but there is.

For some reason, I started singing that while fondling her boobs during foreplay, which turned out to be "Oh no the fuck you don't let me go and your cut off for a long fucking time" play.

DO NOT SING A SONG ABOUT COWS WHILE FEELING YOUR GIRL'S BOOBS.

You will thank me for that someday.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:52:00 No.372898 Report

Quoted By:

My gf and I have this thing where we shout random things during sex... It's always a good to hear her screaming "Maybe... Maybe... MayBEEEEE" while I'm plowing her.

I've taken to shouting "BLASPHEMYYYYYY" while I cum. Good times.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:55:00 No.372904 Report

Quoted By:

Huh....Well, I pulled down my first GF's panties and looked at her gigantic bush, and I yelled "It's like a cat!"

I pet it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 08:56:00 No.372905 Report

Quoted By: >>372910

:During:
Her: Fuck, you should be a porn star
Me: I doubt you'd like me fucking asians
Her: You'd fuck an asian?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:02:00 No.372910 Report

Quoted By:

>>372905

Hooray for racist girls! My ex once went on a half hour rant about Mexicans like 10 minutes after sex. I was all like, "Bitch, shut up so I can sleep. And make me a sammich in the morning".

Unanimous

Unanimous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:05:00 No.372913 Report

Quoted By:

>>372722

Not at all. I suggested it to my own girlfriend...

She asked "Are you gay?"

Being a smartass, I said "Maybe."

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:14:00 No.372922 Report

Quoted By:

so..much...win..

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:16:00 No.372924 Report

Quoted By:

>>372365
that got me laughing like a retard for quite some time

me:how was it?
her: bitter again.
me: yeah i stopped eating fruit

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:23:00 No.372928 Report

Quoted By:

This thread is just awesome. Some of these are fantastic.

Me and my GF always have to interrupt sex for dumb reasons, but it's never because we're mad at each other, it's usually because there's some funny noise, or one of us falls off the bed, or we do something awkward while changing positions, and then we just start laughing and can't stop for like 20 minutes, and by then we're just way too turned off to fuck. It's pretty bad. But hilarious. (A good laugh is less satisfying than fucking, unfortunately.)

I was also with this girl (one-time fuckbuddy) and she was real loose. Earlier in the day we were talking about the last guy she'd fucked (the night before, no less) and he apparently had a really big dick. I was having trouble cumming because she was so loose (like 40 minutes, and I was actually TRYING To cum), and I was getting sort of frustrated, and said something like "Jesus, he stretched you out like pizza dough!" She laughed, pushed me onto my back, and sucked me off until I came.

She must get that a lot.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:26:00 No.372931 Report

Quoted By:

>>372362

Shit, really? It kinda weirds me out how much my wife wants to be spanked. Like all the fucking time "slap my ass" and "harder" and I'm thinking "just STFU, I'm busy here".

Married life sucks.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:28:00 No.372935 Report

Quoted By:

according to my buddy, he was fucking a girl he'd just started seeing; she wanted him to talk dirty; he didn't really know what to say, so he comes up with: 'i'm going to get you so fucking pregnant'

apparently that got him a O.o from her and she got real quiet for the rest of it. at least she didn't leave, i guess.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:39:00 No.372947 Report

Quoted By:

>>372024
i dated the one girl for 7 years then started dating another less than a year later and got so into it i just wasn't thinking what i was saying...

oops

Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:41:00 No.372950 Report

Quoted By: >>372960

>>372855
>>372855
>>372855
>>372855

It took me a good 10 seconds to regain my breath after reading that.

A hundred internets to you, sir

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 09:53:00 No.372960 Report

Quoted By:

>>372950
Same here.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:02:00 No.372968 Report

Quoted By:

Her: I want it doggy..

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna' fuck you like a dog

.....

Her: ...wat

We both had a good laugh when we were done, though.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:03:00 No.372970 Report

Quoted By:

My signature move with one gf was to immediately pull the condom off after climax, hold it in my left hand, run it between my right finger/thumb all the way to the tip, and say "structural integrity...........sustained!"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:07:00 No.372974 Report

Quoted By:

>>372049
wait I'm confused, why is this a bad thing? Wouldn't saying no be worse?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:17:00 No.372983 Report

Quoted By: >>372995 >>372999

Dude, you have to roll more if you're going to get any good.

I said this to my best friend who was playing Super Smash Brothers Melee, and letting me use his bed to fuck my girlfriend at the time.

Swear to god.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:20:00 No.372984 Report

Quoted By:

>>372653
AHAHAHAHAHAHA

That reminds me when a friend wass telling about how he had spent the whole morning watching 90s cartoon intros and later that night, while him and his lady were going at it, the theme song to Freakzoid popped into his head.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:22:00 No.372986 Report

Quoted By:

There was a time when the girl I was dating was giving me a handjob while I drove her home. It was the first time I had ever had a HJ so I was really excited and said, "your good at that."

She stopped immediatle and said I called her a whore. We broke up a week later. Dumb Bitch.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:25:00 No.372989 Report

Quoted By: >>372999

I was going missionary on her. She sometimes kept her hands pushing on the wall to prevent her head from hitting it. She accidentally slips and hit the shelf right above us which was holding books, a lamp and glass of orange juice 3/4 full. Everything collapses on my back. I stop for a second. My hands and her back are soaking in OJ. We LOL. Then I start thrusting again with the shelf still on my back. Her smile disappears and she says: maybe we should stop now. In a disappointed tone I answer: Yeah... I guess so... :(

anonymous

anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:26:00 No.372990 Report

Quoted By:

During.
He was trying to go anal (I want it, but haven't been with a guy willing to until him) He was almost completely in one night, moved the wrong way, and I screamed and jumped.
A few minutes later I said "I didn't realize it was so big"

Fortunately we just laughed and moved on, but it has come out several times since then

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:26:00 No.372991 Report

Quoted By: >>373003

Just imagine ...

You're laying in bed, reading. Your boyfriend is in the bathroom. All of a sudden, he runs out of the bathroom holding his cock, jumps on the bed with it aimed at your face, and screams, "HURRY! HURRY!" just before busting his nut in your face without warning.

That was what happened one night with me and on of my ex's. To this day, I still don't know what the fuck.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:27:00 No.372992 Report

Quoted By:

"Your ass smells like shit."

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:29:00 No.372995 Report

Quoted By:

>>372983
Once I was having sex with this drunk chick, and my friend walked into the room. He didn't react at all to the fact we were having sex, and just started talking about the Dark Knight, which I had seen the day before, and he just got back from seeing.
We talked about all of our favorite parts and talked about parts that confused us... all while I was fucking this chick. This went on for about twenty minutes. I almost completely forgot she was there. After my friend left, I notice the girl is pretty wiped out. She says, by her own account, that she came six times after my friend walked in and throughout our conversation. She thought it was hot that I was ignoring her and that someone was watching.
I go, "That's cool. So I'm going to cum now. Where do you want it?"
She says, "all over my face."
This is an honest-to-God true story.

Candymancer

Candymancer Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:29:00 No.372996 Report

Quoted By:

one of my exes was still in high school while we were together. on prom night, she went to the dance with a very gay mutual friends. after wards she got hella drunk and met up with me at my friend's place and we went to a hotel. we got naked, started fucking, she's drunk so i'm just railing her . . . and then she calls me by our gay friends' name. i paused for a moment, staring at her . . . then we both started cracking up and went back to fucking. good times.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:29:00 No.372999 Report

Quoted By:

>>372989
Ha ha, that is legend
>>372983
You my friend are a trooper

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:30:00 No.373000 Report

Quoted By: >>373056

First time I ever did anal with a girl, I pulled out and a little blop of poop came with it. I didn't keep my cool too well.

"OH MY GOD IT'S SHIT! IT'S SHIT! IT'S SHIT!"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:31:00 No.373003 Report

Quoted By:

>>372991

lol wtf indeed

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:34:00 No.373007 Report

Quoted By:

>>371679
HAHAHA win!
>>371693
Done that, ruined the moment...

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:48:00 No.373021 Report

Quoted By:

>>371816
Holy shit! I use SHAZAM! All the time, mostly as a way to express that something is done, like after I come.
I used mosttly after captain marvel.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:52:00 No.373024 Report

Quoted By: >>373028

i'm waiting for marriage

i really don't want to get married

this sucks

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 10:56:00 No.373028 Report

Quoted By:

>>373024

You probably just can't get any.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 11:10:00 No.373037 Report

Quoted By:

must..bump..

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 11:14:00 No.373039 Report

Quoted By:

Best thing on /hc/ in a LONG time.

One time, like a minute or 2 after, while we were both lying there next to each other sweaty and naked, she asked me "what's your favorite animaal?"

I was gonna say pussy, but I probably would've gotten hit.

I said Giraffe, and everything was fine. But weird.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 11:22:00 No.373049 Report

Quoted By:

so i went over to one of my x's house and we watched tv for a while in front of her parents, we had this blanket and the couch was awkwardly facing the couch, so she lays on my lap with my left hand right at her crotch, she starts massaging my hand against her thin sweat pants. i finger her for a while and afterwards we're talking on the porch, i tell her to put it in her mouth and she gets down right there in the front of her house at night.

mmmmmmmm. the excitement of getting caught at any moment. priceless

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 18 Dec 2008 11:29:00 No.373056 Report

Quoted By:

>>373000
Can't. Stop. Laughing.

My girlfriend was eating me out and I queefed, I was so shocked I screamed, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" and we both laughed for like ten minutes. No more sex after that though, that's a mood killer...

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