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Ah, shit stories..
..you guys will hate or love me, I can't tell yet. I've never had stable bowels. Severe constipation - chronic even - since I was a kid, and when I shit, it's horrendous. Every. Damned. Time. Let me cherrypick a few tales.
>Be 6 (24 years ago)
>Summer!
>Grilled burgers, sausage, CHEESE, and more
>Every dinner. For over a week and a half
>No poopytimes for that whole week
>Finally, tummy says "IT'S GO-TIME, MUTHAFUCKA!"
>Sit down to-HOOOOMYGAWD!
>Didn't even get into sitting position and it all comes out in one long stream of shit.
>From inside the pipe, to the RIM of the toilet, about 2" across
>Smells like a bucket of rotting fish at low tide in the hot sun
>Be 8
>First exposure to Taco Bell (my area of the Chicago Suburbs no has Taco Bell until then)
>Not sure what to order..
>Father orders a bunch of different things, and we take it home
>Sampler meal! All of it yummy!
>Later that night, fill toilet with ungodly terrors, clog it, and shit so hard it feels like a flamethrower coming out my ass
>I'm crying like a little bitch
>Stench makes Dad cough and say something about tear gas
>Father proceeds to flood bathroom with shitwater trying to plunge it down
>I'm unable to sleep on my back
>Be 12
>Junior High School serves these awesome steamed burgers made of.. I'm not sure what
>$1 each! One lunch, I buy $10 worth, plus fries
>Had already not No. 2'd in several days
>Later that night, be anally raped by a hundred redguards, trying to take a shit
>Three huge logs, and a stench that sent my dog running
>Followed later by shotgun pellets that smelled like rotting broccoli
>Can't move from the strain for about half an hour
There's a few. Fortunately, while trips to the John are still comparable to a prison shower, I've become used to it and can complete my torture in about 10 minutes. I now also use the stench as a source of lulz to gross out the wife and other household members.