So, how bad are MRE's? They won't rip open my butthole and put me on sick leave for 15 days, will they?
The Ward !!svlV9h12anw
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Unless you eat nothing but MREs for a long time, no.
Anonymous
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What the fuck did I just read?
Anonymous
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>>11837064 They taste better than my mother's cooking, but they will forcefully plug your asshole.
If you eat nothing but them, you will simply never shit.
Anonymous
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You just need to drink a lot of water. Constipation is almost always because water isn't breaking down you shit enough. That's how laxatives work. OP pick was probably some neckbeard who just ate the mre's and doesn't drink water only some occasional soda.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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There's no break in period? I kinda figured if you ate nothing but them you'd just gain a +5 asshole perk.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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honest to god, i dont mind them. hell, i preferred them to the dfac when back on the fob, though that may have been because the lazy cooks just dumped mre meals into a pot and stirred.
Anonymous
I think I got some MRE stories saved...
Anonymous
Anonymous
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>>11837402 >>11837431 Those were glorious. I thank you, the medical bill for my sides will be mailed to your residence.
Anonymous
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Just eat that gum that comes in the packet with salt and pepper, that stuff will clear you right out
Anonymous
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Thanks anon. I loled reading those.
Anonymous
This thread reminds me of a story I made up on the spot infront of my friends in like 8th grade or so. This has been slightly modified. >In second grade, it's burrito wednesday >I go to a poor school, so the lunchladies are all mexicans >Since they're mexicans, they work two, maybe 3 jobs, and that extra job is ofcourse construction >They accidentally mix into the burrito, cement from their construction job >This happens for the next two days until Friday, with different meals of course.. Tacos and enchiladas >Friday, we get two recess periods, one before and after lunch >First recess, feel a rumbling in my stomach and I realize I have a shit coming >I'm 8, so I conclude that recess is more important than the welfare of my digestive system >2nd recess comes, all has been relatively well >Then suddenly while I'm on the seesaw, I feel a million nugget bayonets pierce my sides >ohshitniggahereitcomes.jpg
Anonymous
>>11838042 >book it to the nearest bathroom, don't give a fuck what the teacher says >sit my young ass on the toilet, I begin to push, but nothing comes >I push harder and then I hear a plop in the water >look down at the toilet water hoping to see a piece of shit, find out it was actually a drop of blood >get really scared and I start to cry >for the past 3 days my intestines had been the manhattan district, this turd was "little boy", and this toilet was about to be Hiroshima >Feeling the immense pain of holding this turd, I decide I need to release this concoction of cement and Mexico's favorite traditional dishes no matter what happens >With the force of a thousand furious niggers I flex my asshole and stomach and the unspeakable begins to slide out >I feel the cement tearing at my anal walls, it's dreadful >Then I feel my ass expanding and I realize the width of the poop is only getting larger >I let out a bloodcurdling scream and my vision begins to fade >In a daze I wake up in a white room, I feel weak and tired >Doctors run into my room, and announce I have just woken up from a 6 month coma >Then the news cameras flow in and reporters begin to ask me questions >I can't understand what they're saying >finally I catch the words of one frightened young lady asking me how it felt to be awarded the Guiness world records for the longest and heaviest shit >I have no response >Later found out I underwent 73 surgeries, broke my pelvis, and was the first person to receive a colon transplant >I was also expelled from that school for causing $1.3 million dollars in damages. Anonymous
Anonymous
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>this is good shit
Anonymous
>Be in 3rd year of secondary school >School trip to Stormont (google it) >Have been eating nothing but chicken and red meat for a week straight and was already constipated for about 9 days at this point >In near constant pain, laxatives and stool softener do nothing, decide to tough it out for the sake of going on the trip >Cleared the security checkpoint at the front of the building >Suddenly THE UNDERKING COMES > Desperately find teacher and explain I'm going to the bathroom, sprint off to find one >finally find the toilets, half sprint, half hobble into the nearest vacant stall >Rip trousers down without undoing the belt >Oh god here it comes, begin to breath heavily and pant, in between boughts of ragged grunting >Massive turd begins to inch it's way towards my increasingly devastated sphincter >Give a massive push, interrupted with loud grunts and half screams as the Tsar bomba of dookies makes it's way out of my tender 13 year old ass >Begin to urgently push down on my stomach in order to get the behemoth through >All at once it begins, Diarrhea pours out of my asshole as a truly monstrous shit slides it's way to freedom >My shit is a thousand pound bomb, the toilet is an iraqi child >shit saturated water coats my asshole as the turd finally parts from my anus Continued
Anonymous
>>11838543 >Looking between my legs, I see that the toilet water has gone an inky black intersped with thin ribbons of blood >Frantically wipe my ass before stuffing toilet paper into my boxers >Leave toilet as quickly as possible, limp off in search of my class I spent the rest of the day in total silence. On the way out we passed by the toilets and I saw a cleaner outside, carrying a covered bucket and wearing a paper cleaning suit, I caught his eye as we walked by and I knew that he had just had to deal with my crime
If you're reading this random cleaner guy, I'm sorry, I truly am
Anonymous
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My jaw dropped when i read OP's pic
Anonymous
Anonymous
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bump for more shit stories
Anonymous
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THIS THREAD HAS MADE ME CLENCH MY ASSHOLE SO MUCH I LOST ROUGHLY 1200 CALORIES
Anonymous
a gunshow at marin county fairgrounds, we have 6 tables, the concession stand wants $5.00 for a !@#$%^&* breakfast sandwich... the MRE dealer is selling the food packs for $1.50 each, treat myself to a SE&H and 4 fingers of death with double Tabasco... about 2PM the obvious occurs, the gas buildup is horrific... i decide to head for the shitter, on the way i get stopped by a bloodsucker whos been trying to sell me a pos for the last 3 shows, he keeps talking and talking, i take a chance and let an SBD of planet killing size... it floats down my pants leg and settles on the floor... i excuse myself and head for the shitter...(carefully-slowly)... while i'm in the shitter i hear someone retching and puking horribly and doors slamming open on the side of the building... i figure i better stay where i am... nasty, awful, vile, dump occurs... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... carefully peek out the door to see what happened in the hall, turns out huge afternoon crowd came in and stirred up the SBD... carefully make way back to our tables, note the bloodsucker is frantically wiping down every gun in his display... it was a great day...
Anonymous
MRE's are alright if you know how to cook them, or get the good ones. Like the poppyseed cake, that shit's actually quite good.
Anonymous
>>11838749 >can't greentext >laughing_girls.jpg Anonymous
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>>11837064 Eating dehydrated food for a week!
Bahaha!!!
>common sence Anonymous
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>>11838766 could have but was exhaustedipated from all that typing...
askmeifigiveashit.bnp
Anonymous
>>11838766 It is easier to read non green text.
>whorebag. BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
I train AIT and Reclass soldiers at a Fort in the southwestern US as a contractor suckling the guvmint tit. I actually participate with my students when they go through their field training exercise, STX lanes and all that other "HOOAH Army" shit, so I'm out there with them for my entire 8-hour contracted shift for 10 days. For 2 out of 3 meals for those 10 days, the AIT students are stuck eating from an MRE they were issued by the company, while I and the reclass guys feast off of my own purchased pack of nothing but the awesome MREs. One day, a student comes hobbling into the field TOC for his shift.>Me: "PVT Numbnuts, what the fuck happened? Did you get your ass beat in CQC?" >PVT Numbnuts: "No, BulletMag, I uhhhh... I can't shit. Those MREs are pluggin me up tighter than my virgin gramma's pussy." I wasn't hiding his name when I called him Private Numbnuts. Kid was a fuckin shit brickhouse.>Me: "What the hell? Doesn't your Platoon Sergeant let you eat the white gum pieces?" >PVT Numbnuts: "White gum? What white gum?" >mfw they don't pack the mint-makes-you-shit gum >Me: "Do you get the Sanka packets?" >PVT Numbnuts: "Yeah, but I don't drink coffee." A stench arises in the field TOC that I can't distinguish between PVT Numbnuts letting out an SBD or the collective funk of 24 field-swarthy privates and junior NCOs. ENGAGE SSG BULLETMAGNET MODE I grab a few packets of the Sanka and the mint gum bits and throw them at PVT Numbnuts.>Me: "Consume coffee dry. Chew gum and swallow." PVT Numbnuts does so, and 20 minutes later he's hobble-running to the field shitters. An hour later he comes back. 2 hours later, we receive a call from the Command Cell that the toilets are clogged- all students are authorized to use Cadre shitters.
Anonymous
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>>11838899 >subjective bullshit >yeah, no it isn't, faggot Anonymous
Anonymous
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Oh god, these fucking stories!
Anonymous
This is one of the greatest threads on /k/ ever, I'm at work and i've never had to supress my laughter at my desk before.
Anonymous
>>11839432 MRE shit stories are always the best.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
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>>11839536 Or the worst, depending on how you look at it
Anonymous
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Not an MRE story, but it's a shit story nonetheless...>Be on spring break freshmen year of college in Savanna, Ga >Use money on quality beer >End up only having money to buy shitty oven-pizzas and microwavable mexican food. >Eat shitty food and drink beer all week >Haven't shit in 6 days >Wake up one morning and feel like something unholy is about to be expunged from my asshole. >Run to bathroom and start the hour long process of exorcising this demon. >Take a shit the size of a large Yankee candle. >Start to wipe >Blood. Blood everywhere. >Walk out of bathroom sweating and bloodstained. That was the day I had my black cherry popped.
Anonymous
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>>11838749 same show, next day...
we ate breakfast at dennys, the dogshit skillet special...
really nasty, worse than the MRE'S...
get to the show, uncover tables, get settled in, owners kid is on the end of the table selling handmade high end teddy bears his mother made...(army usmc, navy, af, etc)
sit down, give in to urge and let huge sbd from dennys crap...
the kid looks like hes going to varf, starts moving all the teddys away to the extreme end of the table while calling me bad names...
a few minutes later he comes back with a 'sunburned' TB (that was in the shop window too long) he claims my fart burned the color out of the bear and demands i pay for the damage...
tell him to STFU or i'll fart again, he considers this for a minute and quietly walks away...
kids...
Anonymous
>summer school sophomore year of high school >doing some boss labs in chemistry >I know this feeling >an catastrophic shit is about to take place >better phone this one in >tell teacher i was throwing up in the bathroom >he sends me home >as Im waiting for my ride to come get me I can feel the volcano buildings >the car pulls up to the front >TOO LITTLE TOO LATE >throw book bag at security >run to bathroom >just as a I get my pants barely clear of my ass >a typhoon destined to save Japan from the invading hordes erupts from my ass >wave after wave of liquid shit propelled into the bowl >realize the stall has no toilet paper >ITS FUCKING GO TIME >waddle my ass to the stall over without compromising the mission >ahhh toilet paper but wait... NO LOCK ON THE DOOR >finish up after 15 minutes, go home and ate Culvers chicken strips And that's how I got over my fear of public bathrooms
Anonymous
Anonymous
>be deployed >deployed to the tick's armpit on the asshole of Iraq up innafoothills >MRE's only foods available cuz onna COP >know gum/coffee/ranger puddin tricks >barely scrape by, thanks to the large quantities of Charmin coming in care packages from middle schoolers >get rotated back to main FOB for some bullshit briefing >7 hour drive >consume Chili Mac MRE enroute >also consume both the cinnamon gum AND the coffee pack, hoping to enjoy shitting in something other than a 55gal. drum w/ a piece of plywood over it >get to FOB in time for noon chow >Holy mother of balls, they have CRAB LEGS and STEAK >consume enough crab legs and steak I had to undo top button on pants >halfway through 3hr briefing.... >stomach doing very good cement-truck impression >excuse self >go to lovely, air-conditioned, fully-enclosed CHU shitters conveniently 3ft from door to briefing room >all sound and fury, no substance >stomach quiets down to low rumble >return to briefing Continued for your reading pleasure
Anonymous
>>11840077 Continued for your pleasure!
>get the *crickets* treatment upon reentering >only enlisted soldier there >butterbar-bro stage-whispers I was farting so hard it shook the projector >be impressed with self >not 5 minutes later... >stomach goes from discontented grumble to trying to out-shout an F5 hurricane in about 3 seconds >jump to feet, bolt for exit >fullbird literally grabs me by the collar >"where you goin junior? You've already missed half the briefing!" >Sir, I- >PPPPHHHFFFFPPPFFFFFPPPFFFFTTTTTTPPFFFFPPFFFFTTTTTTTT >black shit-water spraying out of my ass so hard its being blown through the fabric of both my boxers AND my DCU's >splatter 3 entire rows of junior officers with coffee-colored shitwater >pressurized liquid shit explodes from my anus for a solid 45seconds >I cannot remain on my feet >collapse to hands and knees, ass pointed to the heavens as if begging for salvation from this torment >finally, the torrent tapers off >I'm so physically exhausted I'm struggling to breathe >stunned silence >somebody starts the slow clap >the stench. Oh my God the stench. 4 months of tabasco and Texas Pete-fueled MRE-shit stench released in a span of under a minute >medics have to wheel me out on a gurney, I'm too weak to stand >the incident was never mentioned again within our unit And so ends the story on how I managed to shit on myself AND 11 officers in 45 seconds flat.
Anonymous
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>>11840084 >>11840077 I'm laughing too hard to care if this is fake or not
Anonymous
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>>11840084 I don't know who you are, but i love you.
Thank you, for making shit on k/, funny.
Anonymous
Not MREs but similar:>at first boyscout camp (whitset) >so busy and stopped up from terrible food I don't shit for 5 days >it's the last night, skit time >all the old shitty ones are done, we have a good one (old laurel & Hardy) >I've been feeling off all day >they tell me I have to take part (I was/am huge into acting) >get on the platform >sit down, instantly feel the thunder growing within. >feels like a thousand howitzers >grit teeth, say lines as fast as possible (cont)
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
>>11840077 >>11840084 Anon, I now pronounce you my new god. Command me to kill in your name, and I shall return with the foreskins of my victims to present to you.
This is coming from the guy that dropped a cheekflapper delivering a brief to SecDef Rummy.
Anonymous
>>11840142 I bet you are fat and wear glasses
Anonymous
>>11840142 (cont)
>after, ask best friend to come with to the toilet > off we go to other side of camp > OH GOD IT'S COMING (literally shout this) >make tiny movements w/ feet to keep shit from sliding out >I'm gonna make it, 5 more feet > PERIMETER BREACH shit sliding out of my ass, cannot contain. > full sprint while pooping >make it inside, see 5 black widows >have huge psychological fear of them brought on by my brother >sit down, black widows, black widows everywhere. >yelling because of how much shitting hurts, crying because of my fear of widows >my friend is crying laughing outside > start cursing him with the fury of 100000 nuggets >he only laughs harder. >he brings TP from my tent > use WHOLE ROLL >walk to tent in shitty pants I left boy scouts soon after
Anonymous
>>11840171 I was fat, I don't wear glasses though.
Anonymous
>>11840084 You don't know how hard it is to not spit water when your laughing so hard. Oh thank you for that.
Anonymous
>>11840249 I was in scouts... i know your kind... sucks though man. I once had a shit so huge it made jizz come out my dick. I was'nt even hard lol it was weird
|{ilo Foxtrot !/KcZuJrg1Q
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>>11840265 Just screen capped the same thing.
This is easily the funniest thread on /k/ this month.
Anonymous
>>11840155 Heh. Good on you, that prick deserved a good assbombing.
In semi-related news, I have managed to:
>throw up on 2 warlords in Afghanistan at the same time (security detail for a CA team+stomach bug) >slap an apparently highly-revered midwife with a placenta accidentally (still not sure how...) >take a shit on a sheikh's (also-sheikhish) grandfather's unmarked grave in front of him >tell an IA general to burka his (incredibly effeminate) 12yo chai boy (how this didn't get me shot is a mystery) >piss in 2-2 Marine's water buffalo at NTC (this was intentional, cuz they weren't observing safety-kill distances and had hospitalized 2 of my soldiers with blank-burns to the face) >steal, lose, watch it run over a landmine, scrape up, cook, and eat ODA4453's donkey (they thought it was hysterical) Anonymous
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>>11840265 Oops, cut off part of the story, here's the uncut one
Anonymous
>>11838759 >If you know how to cook them Add water to heater pack, find rock or "something", prop up, wait. Done.
People in the forces bitch about anything. If you don't mind commercially available canned food, they are great. I swear the beef ravioli is Chef Boyardee, chicken pesto is amazing.
The ranger bar is horrible though, so dry.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
>>11840292 What would your thought be if I relayed that I thought about passed the blame to MG David Rodriguez.
|{ilo Foxtrot !/KcZuJrg1Q
>>11840333 I would roll out of my computer chair and land on the floor
distracted by the pain of the initial impact by my laughter;
But I've already done that, and am laughing even harder now.
Anonymous
>>11840333 I've had no interaction with him, so I refrain from commenting.
I will say, however, that had I gassed the SecDef I totally would've loudly and proudly claimed it. They can't (or shouldn't be able to) do shit to you, its a natural biological event you have tenuous control over at best.
Anonymous
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>>11840280 I had fun in scouts beside that though.
I haven't pursued anything drama-related in years.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
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>>11840359 Try not to die.
>>11840368 I maintained my bearing and said the following after I ripped that assbiscuit, "That was Maliki."
Anonymous
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>>11840084 >>11840077 You magnificent son of a bitch.
I imagine pic related was the scene of your carnage.
Anonymous
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MREs don't really affect me like that, so I dunno. Might just be individual reactions. Anyway;>Be 3 weeks ago >Don't shit for 5 days >No idea why >I start to feel like throwing up every second I'm awake >Break down and buy laxatives >"Allow 6 to 12 hours to take effect." >13 hours later, nothing >Decide to take two more pills >THE FUCKING MINUTE I DO, THE FIRST TWO KICK IN >Oh God no >Take the most solid, brutal diamond shit I've ever had >There's blood, it's that rough >Whew... it's over. >Wait >I just took two more pills >Spend the next 7 hours shitting water and small amounts of blood I wanted to die that day.
Anonymous
>>11840292 Why the fuck are you not a General? You battles and victories would be legendary! You'd scare the enemy to death by simply offering to 'negotiate with a free Indian buffet'
Anonymous
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>>11840435 Hah! Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I couldn't seem to make it -past- E5.
Made it -to- E5 4 times though.
Anonymous
>>11840077 >>11840084 Oh my god, I laughed so hard that I stopped breathing for a bit
Been coughing for the last 5 minutes
I love you
Anonymous
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>>11840077 >>11840084 Lordy that shit is funny
All the internets to you good sir
Anonymous
>chicken goes in >chicken nuggets come out >you can't explain that
Legatus Fancius !!o+hMc04ZB0d
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Basic Training Final FTX for Infantry>Eatin' lunch, MREs, again. >I got my favorite, sloppy joe >Enjoying my feast of the Lords of War >Familiar stomach cramp. >12 weeks of BCT, I know the storm that hath no fury is peaking the horizon. >"Ass backs." I say calmly, not wanting to lose my primo log seat. >Stand up, set food next to best friend to guard from scavengers. >DEFCON 1 SPRINT >Battledrill 1A the shit out of that Porta-Shitter >Feet kick the door, legs locked and hands bracing the walls >It's a 155mm Grunter. >Four days of no dooks, she's a winner. >Silver lining is this is the last day we have access to porta-shitters before our Final 48 >Almost positive I prolapsed my colon. >Survey battle damage. She's messy. >Fate wanted to slap the shit (lol) out of me that day. Pun fully intended. >No Poopie Paper. >Dick through pockets, FLC, and pouches. >Scrounge up two wetnaps and an MRE napkin >Serious face applied. (See pic) >Tactical wiping >Not enough. This would be uncomfortable until I could acquire more paper. Itchy. >Stand up, unlock door and grab my IBA, FLC, Kevlar and Rifle >Move to lift foot, nothing happens. >Faceplant onto gravel. >Things go dark >Wake up(?) in my patrol base, Drill Sgts and 1LT attached to our platoon laughing at my daze and confusion. >My friend saved my MREs brownie.
Legatus Fancius !!o+hMc04ZB0d
Quoted By:
>>11840538 You could feed children the world over.
Anonymous
>be in 2nd grade >recess time and I've had to shit since I got to school >afraid of shitting away from home >know that I won't be able to hold it >go to top of tube-slide >drop pants and drop a log on the top of slide >luckily it was a no-wipe >said turd rolls down to the bend in the slide >standing on top of slide on jungle gym >kid goes to use slide >wearing shorts >khaki >kid slides down tube and steam-rolls the smoking turd >shit, shit everywhere >slide dissassembled the next day >kid bullied of for shitting his pants and getting the slide closed >kid still got bullied in middle school and high school for shitting his pants >mfw kid's life was ruined for sliding over my shit
Anonymous
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>>11840538 Why did i find that funny
|{ilo Foxtrot !/KcZuJrg1Q
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>>11840645 You're a fucking bastard but my sides don't care.
Anonymous
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>be in 2nd grade >recess time and I've wanted to go down the slide since I got to school >afraid of sliding away from neighborhood park >know that I won't be able to hold back the urge to slide >go to top of tube-slide >I go to use slide >wearing shorts >khaki >I slide down tube and steam-roll a soft, hot object >shit, shit everywhere >slide dissassembled the next day >I get bullied of for shitting my pants and getting the slide closed >I still got bullied in middle school and high school for shitting my pants >mfw I finally realize the truth
Anonymous
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>>11840330 >ranger bar is horrible Agree, I dip it in coffee or tea before I eat that shit. That's honestly the only way for me to eat those things.
Anonymous
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>>11840645 >steam-rolls the smoking turd Oh god I fucking died
Anonymous
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>>11837402 Thanks for that, I'm going to go eat some celery now.
theshadowduke !!17lgBbpKusF
>Be in boy scouts >Platoon is trying to "be healthy" and make better food choices for camp outs >For snack they bought cookies... snackwells devils food cookies >With fucking Olestra >None of the kids in the platoon realized what was going to happen >Adults stood by and watched us gorge ourselves on those fucking cookies >Week long campout, cookies gone (15 boxes, 6 boys) in 2 days >Day three it begins, one of the kids gets cramps at lunch >He comes back from shitter ashen and sweating >Adults all laugh >Over the next 3 days the platoon is unable to do any events >All 6 of us confined to camp due to the shits >By the end of the trip we were all shitting blood, assholes so raw we were afraid to wipe >Adults finally begin to worry the day we pack up and go home >Troop meeting two weeks later, none of us feel well, shitting continued for most of us after we left >Wanted to fucking die after a week solid of liquid shits The pic has to be the dude that invented fucking Olestra, I'll kill that guy if I ever meet him.
Anonymous
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>>11840077 VAfag here. One of my clients claims to have been hit by a bracketing barage from a violently ill subordinate at a long ass meeting.
Could you be the artyman responsible for that? He still uses that mental image to clear his head any time he gets the PTSD shakes.
Anonymous
OK, so I had a shitty spell in my life, but I had some warning, so I bought enough MRE's to keep me going for 2 years, 3 meals a day. The majority of the time I ate those MRE's, but probably 5 times a week had a 'normal' meal. I had no problems whatsoever. I don't know about you guys, but as long as I was hydrated and had a large cup of coffee, I shat without a problem.>mfw I ate for 2 years for $600.
Polandball !!uZRVLzpOz6C
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>>11841026 Got any place you like to buy from? Most of the prices I get are around one MRE for ~$1.45 when bought in bulk.
Anonymous
>Ate MREs and durka food for 14 months straight >No problem >Go to LSAA to get shipped back home >See a BK >Ate 4 Whoppers >Stomach goes uneasy >Put the Brads and Abrams on the flat beds >Roody Doody Time! >Head to the honey bucket >After a few minutes of squirts and chunks being pissed out of my butt hole I start panting for air >Wipe wipe wipe >Still something there >Wipe wipe wipe >Still feel something there >Check TP >No brown marks but TP was covered in red >Toss TP down the hole .>Wipe with my bare hands>Something is hanging out >HOLY SHIT I JUST SHAT SOME OF MY INTESTINES OUT! >Take off body armor and uniform top >Put my israeli bandage on around the wound and tied it over my shoulder >put uniform top back on >Spend 3 hours trying to figure out where the medics are >Get a creme >Was good to go for my one month leave >Never ate fast food again and haven't since the beginning of 2005
Anonymous
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>>11841193 Oh god, not a cool story bro.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
>>11841026 If you eat them the right way, MREs are fine. One is supposed to provide the average soldier with a recommended amount of calories for a day of average fieldcraft activity.
I don't really have an excuse for my MRE story, but then again, it wasn't really related to MREs, it was more related to the food we'd get at Camp Doha back in 2001, the fact that I really had to take a shit before our convoy rolled from Doha to Udairi, and my pasty pale white ass hanging out in front of an entire rocket battery as I dropped a splatterbomb.
Center for Army Lessons Learned refused the article I wrote commenting on why soldiers should never prepare for a long haul by scarfing down 5 Fingers of Death, Beef Teriyaki and Ravioli MREs when the chicken curry you had didn't fill you up.
Anonymous
6 boy scouts come back from camp with bloody assholes. "It was the cookies" MFW soccermom calls the cops.
Anonymous
>>11841365 VAfag here. There really needs to be better training on how to shit in the millitary. The closest they come I think is building latrines.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
>>11841459 They stopped doing that in Basic back in 05, I think.
None of my trainees even know what a cathole is used for.
Anonymous
>>11837064 >>11838042 >>11838051 >>11839750 >>11840084 >>11840231 This thread reminds me of my Internal Medicine/ICU rotations. Nothing but people who are, quite literally, full of shit. And as the Med Student guess who gets to dis-impact all the buttholes
>MFW the attending tells me the little old lady in room 116 needs disimpacting. Anonymous
>>11841490 My english is not very the good. You shit on cats?
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
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>>11841620 Catholes are just holes dug in the ground to shit in... like what a cat would do.
However rare the cat-haters of the internet may be, they will not shit on the cat. They will instead train the cat to shit on a person before shooting him in the face with a Model 91/30 Mosin-Nagant.
I always called catholes 'gypsyholes', because I WILL shit on a gypsy.
Ausfag
This entire thread has made me laugh so hard I managed to push out a shit powered only by Guinness and Tatties. I applaud you gentlemen, and will share one of my own.>Be deployed in Turkdurkistan with ADF 3rd >Eat nothing but MREs for deployment, kept hydrated, coffee, etc to avoid the predicted White Hot Analpocalypse >Groans of those who do not heed the Sage Mureens advice makes me moisten. >I'm a man >Get home, mam and pop cook me dinner >Fuck yeah, dad made Roast Beef >Yorkies, Spuds, Beans, Pumpkin, oh my >I thought my body was even ready >It wasn't >Scarf down an African families weeks worth of food >Return to house, make preparations for an innawoods trip >Browse glorious /k/ beforehand >Fingerfuck Enfield during, feeling my girls soft curves >/fur/ calls me, I must go >No >My sphincter rebels with the same force as a freight train >Normal food has met MREs >So, it had come to this Continued
Naples
Quoted By:
>>11841648 After reading the glorious comings of before, now I can only eagerly await the continuation of the epic tale.
I don't know if my sides can take it.
Ausfag
>>11841648 >Battle is joined in my lower intestine, the bodies of the slain falling into the warm embrace of my sphincter >Only Khorne knows true victory this day >40mm rounds, dead on target >I am the FAMAS >3 Round burst echos into the toilet bowl >Literally echos >Operation: Suffer Not the Witch to Live engaged as a shit that would rival a fire hose erupts from my anal pouch. >This all took about 10 minutes of straining, swearing and shitting >Buttdoctor verdict: Buttpummelled, Sphincter Seared and Tailhole Torn >There was blood >There was pain >There was victory And that's why you EASE on the normal food when you get home.
BulletMagnet !!XzEXVjS8PjZ
Quoted By:
>>11841740 Ausfag, I lift a piss warm Fosters to you in a toast following a repeated chorus of Waltzin Matilda.
You are truly Winterborn.
Naples !!Xd6aiSV0cNB
Anonymous
Anonymous
Smack rack and bang's phone
>be 2010 >be innawoods bow huntan >huntin buddy brings MREs from deployment >eat nothing but MREs and rabbit >most bowel movements are few tiny nuggets >5 days out, heading back >pack on and start hiking back >few miles out, get cramps >fear dehydration or lack of electric lytes >30 min goes by, drinking water /w electrolyte tablet >cramps subside >stand up to ready pack >sharp pain in stomach progressing south >BLOWOUTSOONSTALKER.tiff >drop pack, bow, and water bladder, dash off trail >lolitsagametrail >dig hole with hands while in fetal position for pain relief >roll over in similar position >blackbear watchin me 5 ft off >inhale to shout and scare off bea- >BLOWOUTNOWSTALKER >GET OUTTA HERE STUPID BE- >PFFFFFfbbbbbbfTTTtttttPPHHLLUUNK >unholy martian rocky surface probe ejected from rectum in cloud of stew colored spew >splatter on thighs and boot heels >bearsfacewhen >tucks tail and runs, headbutts tree in panicked escape >god bless baby wipes >little blood, loads of stewy doody >friend runs out to see if all ok >"saw a bear running and heard your shout, you okay brotOHMIGOD THAT SHIT REEKS We still discuss the shock and horror that bear witnessed. This is also when I learned packing fiber one bars and eatin more fat is never a bad decision when innawoods eating bunny and MREs. Also, MREs definitely don't taste bad, very surprising.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
I have left big piles of shit at about six of my burglaries.... it isn't that I want to insult them I just have an overwhelming urge to dump right then....Years later I still laugh at the looks on they face when they walk in and see giant turd monument in middle of floor and all they shit gone....Talk about insult to injury and then the poor guy assigned to clean it up.
Anonymous
>>11843746 >BLOWOUTNOWSTALKER god that was so funny, thanks for making my day
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>Be at BEAST week (Vigilant hua!). >Unable to take a decent shit the week prior. >MRE's, MRE's everyday. >Be thursday night. >Feel a warhead ready for lift off. >I grab my battle rattle and dawn it faster than we do our MOPP gear. >Out of the tent faster than a speeding beaner. >Triple timing it to the latrine. >Beat down stall door like Im about to clear a room. >Sitting on toilet for five minutes with the worst pain in my bowls than ever before. >Suddenly without a fucking warning a forearm sized turd jets out of my ass like an RPG. >Look back at it and feel a sudden sense of pride for taking the biggest shit of my life.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11841365 US MREs only contain about 1200 or so calories. If you are the average male performing a lot of activity in a day, you should really eat 3 or more.
If you are a 6'0 male, age 20 and weighing in at 180lbs, you will need almost 2400 calories even if you do jack shit all day. 3046 calories at moderate activity, 3400 calories if very active.
Smack rack and bang's phone
Quoted By:
>>11843822 You're welcome. Least I can do for these gents stories splittin my sides
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>time to poop >first shit comes out easily >its a floater >realize theres more shit queued up >this one is stuck >doesnt feel big, but very dense and hard to move >grab hold of the towel rack, bite my lip, and give it hell >suddenly, i hear the booming crack of a 30-06 as my body is jolted upward from the recoil >i felt cold water splash my ass as i landed back onto the toilet seat >there was a large volume of fart at about 3000psi just behind the stuck turd >as it broke free, it had accelerated down the snub-nose barrel that was my rectum, violently propelled by the pressurized fart >after recovering from the surprising recoil from my assrifle, i inspected the toilet. >the floating turd had taken a direct hit >shitpieces were strewn about and there was a half-circle cut from the side of the turd at midship >it started taking water. the bow of the S.S. Feces dipped below the waterline as the bacteria crew failed to patch her hull >as the stern rose above the waterline, the stress was too much for the damaged structure to handle >she broke in half, Titanic style, and quickly disappeared beneath the waves >all souls aboard were lost
Islamic Republic of Iran !!9a6XAa4mDeT
Alright I'll join in the shitfest with a military poop story. >Exercise in southern Iran, summer, dry and hot as hell. >MREs for a few days, get reminded to chew the gum and drink water often to avoid brutal constipation >commander tells us that water samples from the trucks with water had proven to be weird or some shit, so a few trucks of water are taken out of the equation >leaders do not wish to abort the exercise, but decide to substitute the water with trucks of pepsi from a nearby town >everybody gets pepsi and are told to quit whining and that during a war we won't be guaranteed an abundance of water >To avoid brutal constipation I eat very little of the MREs, I get headaches and get fatigued but I manage >probably lost 6kg, feels bad man >6th day, I have pooped a few times but only managed dry nuggets but I still no widespread constipation or anal-trauma in the unit >it went better than expected.gif >week is over, head to town, hungry like a fucking gnu >don't even change out of dirty uniform, head to the main street >enter pizza place, order a large pizza with extra everything >while they make it, go to the burger joint across the street and order 2 burgers >when they are done, go back to pizza place, stomach rumbling >set up everything in front of me >i look like fucking Tony Montana with that mountain of cocaine in front of him >dig into the food with the fury of a mongol horde >barely have time to chew or breathe >I am stuffing my face like a thai prostitute when a US ship is in dock >an unknown amount of customers lose appetite and leave due to my vulgar display >everybody knows better than to interfere with the guy who is looking like an extra from the night of the living dead continued.......
Islamic Republic of Iran !!9a6XAa4mDeT
>>11844972 >finally done, sit back and just relax >zone out for 15 minutes or so due to gastronomical orgasm >belt is too tight, lighten it >that high pressure bubbling sound when your bowels are preparing to declare independence and separate from your body >again, louder, exchange a desperate look with the pizza guy >I can see from his facial expression the gravity of the situation >he nods towards the toilets >When I move, a symphony of low frequency noises comes from my bowels, a wave of panic washes over me as I realize that I will give birth to a plutonium rod >choose toilet that is furthest away sit down and prepare for The Excursion >stomach is rumbling and bubbling, I feel a pressing need to shit, but nothing comes out >I begin to sweat profusely, anxiety and panic grabs a hold of me. >My entire body is sweating sweat drips from my nose >Anus muscle is straining, my intestines are in uproar >I relax and try push, this time I feel it, it is so hard and such a tight fit that my anus can feel every bump in the texture of the turd >suddenly it happens so fast continued......
Islamic Republic of Iran !!9a6XAa4mDeT
>>11845144 >the plug that is holding in the liquid is out and the high internal pressure that have been built up causes a high pressure and high speed evacuation of the contents >Like when you have been still for a long time and then stand up fast: the rapid bowel movement causes a change in blood pressure and I get tunnel vision, black dots start to appear before my eyes >I pass out for a few seconds, sitting on the toilet >wake up, realize what happen and feeling eviscerated >i don't even dare to look in the toilet bowl, because when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back into you >I wipe, flush a few times, clean up the place and stagger out pale and glistening from sweat >I exchange a look with the owner of the restaurant >we do not say anything, he nods, knowing that I had been through an exercise much harder than the one in the desert. >i stare out of the window on the bus trip home, not talking to anyone Anonymous
Le french
MRE stories ! Yeah ! There's a rumor in the french army that our MRE are filled with constipating agents so that we don't have to shit on the field. Anyways, here's my experience :> 3 weeks on the field, only MRE > Even if everyone judges french MREs are good, not every menu is > after 2 weeks on the field, I still had no need to poop. > talking about that to the medic of the section, he says that a guy from his former unit had no shit for a month. > Having some issues about being buttraped by my own shit, I decide to take a crap even if not needed. > take a book, sit confortably on a tree and start my business > after a few minutes of mental preparation I can feel something in my intestines. > bricksgonnabeshat.jpg > Focus on the push.... > just hear a single tiny noise on the leaves.... > No need to drop anything else... > have a look at my artwork > just a single shit the size of a golf ball. > still don't understand.
Anonymous
>>11845605 In past they said there was an "anti-viagra" to avoid hard-on and what could happen in shower...
Army's legend...
Le french
>>11845620 yeah, bromure ( don't know the name in english )
had a lot of retired army men confirming that they hadn't any morningwood for the time they were on the field.
Never thought about asking wether or not it is true to high authorities. Could be fun.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11845649 It could still be true, in 2 week of army food (lol week-end warrior), mre and mess, i haven't a single boner.
Anonymous
It's because MRE's are full of fucking calories that is supposed to be for physical demanding scenarios (LIKE BEING IN THE FUCKING ARMY) and not some fatass neckbeard on the internet all day. /thread
Anonymous
>>11845670 What the fuck does calorie intake have to do with constipation?
Are you fucking retarded?
Anonymous
In afghanistan MREs costs 20 cents. now you know.
Anonymous
>>11845677 >Eat fuckton of calories >slow metabolism >shitbuildsup.jpg It's really simple.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
dude your a dirty iranian.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11845620 I'm not saying there's any real chance anything like this would have ever happened, but plenty of SSRI antidepressants cause sexual dysfunction. Meaning they make your dick not work.
Anonymous
my tale, (britfag here)>> Going through basic, decide to be a fucking smart-ass >> bring extra canteen, but not the nice, hygenic kind >> Nasty, east german POS (was given it, i know, retard) >> Thought it was clean after chlorine tabs, boiling water etc it begins..>> 10km morning run, (was 4 laps of this trail) >> No.1 good >> No.2 Hmm >> No.3 Shitbaby starts to kick, thank the lord only one more >> No.4 DEARGODTHESHITBABYHASTEETH! Then, the worst, most horrifying sound ever>> RIGHT, ONE MORE LAP! >> Everyone groans, i groan more then anyone >> Shitbaby realises i'm his bitch, JUST.ABOUT.MANAGE..>>Reach 'Finish' everyone else stops, >>MOTHERFUCKERYOUBESTKEEPRUNNIN' Everyone else thought i'd gone insane, run straight towards the privvies and launch my ass at the first toilet.. the stream was hitting water before ass cheeks touched down.>> Asshole still remembers the birth, afterbirth and the evil twin that emerged to this day.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11839048 You know, BulletMagnet, I think I might have went through your 'classes' at your installation.
In fact, I think I might have actually fucking met you.
Anonymous
>>11845696 Wrong, how do you even believe this is true? This kind of stuff would make you fail 6th grade health class.
>>11845677 MREs are full of three things:
Protein for muscular maintenance and building
Fat to add more calories and because it is an excellent food fuel
Carbohydrates for fiber to regulate the digestive system
MREs in particular are particularly full of carbohydrates, a lot of fiber, which leads to constipation often times. The reason for this is to prevent diarrhea in the first place. Diarrhea is a major problem for a military man in the field and can lead to infections, sickness, dehydration, and even eventual death if untreated and in severe cases.
As a result, it is better to load MREs up with carbohydrates and have them constipated rather than having diarrhea, which is a far worse thing rather than a minor discomfort as constipation is.
Additionally, MREs have gum in them that has a small amount of xylitol in it which acts as a minor laxative to help prevent constipation. You are supposed to chew the gum and swallow the juices, most do not.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
Most of these stories are >eat MREs all day erry day >don't shit for a week What goes through your mind when you decide to eat that much and not shit?
Jumper
Quoted By:
>read through this thread >choke on steak and pepsi from the lol's >mfw >i actually went through the whole folder...
Anonymous
not really MRE but bad shit story>be like couple days ago, on the bus to my GF house >ate nothing the whole day excepts doritos, and a whole lot o fucking ben n JURHHY >feel stomach rumbling, oh shit this cant be good >get off buss, 10 min walk to gf > feel shit coming really bad, i mean like REALLY bad >hold it in so bad it hurts with my legs crossed >shit im not gonna make it to her house >go into the woods >drop pants and take the most vile squirting painful shit ever >no paper o fuck continues next post!
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11845953 >take leaves from ground, wipe my ass porly, get some shit on my fingers cuz leaves arent good for wiping durr >realized i got some on my shoe >wtf really? >wash shoe in a small stream >continue walking to gf house >see her dad > hey anon how are you (stretches out hand) >hesitates for a moment, stretch out my shitstained hand and grab his firmly >look him straight in the eyes >im all good man this was like last week, was hoping to take this to my grave but hey, couldnt pass out on this moment
Anonymous
>>11845730 How did you find the army? I'm joining in about six months
Anonymous
>>11846027 heard about it on the internet
Anonymous
>>11846038 What I meant was did you/do you enjoy it?
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11846046 i enjoyed the company of sweaty men very much, the rest not so much
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11840993 >>Olestra Oh god haha, my hometown was a test group for the Lays(I think it was lays or some other main brand) brand chips cooked with that stuff when I was in highschool. They had a news story about how some college kids were hospitalized after eating a few bags of those that some store was giving away for a promotion.
Anonymous
>>11845793 >Constipation >Minor discomfort I take it you've never had it that bad then. There are times when you'll try and shit and it'll feel like a dimensional void opened in your colon and an ancient death god is attempting to enter our world through your anus. Don't give me that shit about minor discomfort if you've never given birth to an extradimensional being through your asshole.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11846196 ಠ_ರ
>mfw I read that Anonymous
Quoted By:
Never before have I had to make a conscious effort in forcing myself to stop laughing before I hurt myself.
>>11840077 >>11840084 But THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE
Anonymous
Quoted By:
mysidesaresplittingontheirown
Anonymous
Deadpool !!kBsp4Ukt12d
Anonymous
Archive blox One more story>Be 19 >Have difficulty finding a job, constantly budgeting to be able to live to any real standard >Finally get a job, stable with fairly good pay >decide to celebrate, one of the things I really missed while budgeting was indian curry >Live it up on madras and vindaloo for a solid week as only a previously impoverished bachelor can >About 3-4 days after my week long indian binge, I realise I haven't taken a shit since I began >Begin to panic, knowing how bad it will be >another 2 days after that, I'm at work, sorta forgotten about the problem when suddenly >I AM BORN! feel head of greasy, hard shit pierce my anus >Quietly panic, attempt to deal with customer as quickly as possible >She has 9 fucking things, wants to pay in euro which means I have to do fucking exchange calculations >This lasts about six minutes, and by the time it's over I'm hunched up in pain >Give next customer in line my best "I'm sorry but fuck you" look >Sprint-stagger my way to the employee bathrooms >Get down on seat just as my sphincter fails >Intermittent blasts of shotgun like diarrhoea coat the toilet bowl as my body readies itself >mewling grunts and suppressed curses emanate from my stall as I get reverse raped continued
Anonymous
Quoted By:
toasting epic bread
Anonymous
>>11849292 >At one point my boss comes in >Hey anon, femanon mentioned she saw you head this way in a hurry, you okay? >Yeah, I'm fine jus-HRGUVUSAUBAU >Shit has reached critical mass, anus feels like it's getting fucked by a nigger horse >In desperation reach down and grab shit >Begin to pull on my own shit in an inane attempt to dislodge it >Half of the shit breaks off in my hand, the other half finally falls out of my devastated man canal, spraying filthy water over my ass and hand >Drop the other half of the shit into the toilet bowl, begin to search for tp >there's no tp, fuck >carefully pull open door, intending to find some in one of the other stalls >My boss and another co-worker are standing in the toilet, looking from my stall, from which they have heard the sound of the apocalypse, and me, hobbling with a shit covered arm and legs The awkwardness after this was extraordinary, I eventually put in for transfer to another branch 14 miles away
I can still remember their faces
Deadpool !!kBsp4Ukt12d
Quoted By:
>>11849292 >>11849374 >My boss and another co-worker are standing in the toilet, looking from my stall, from which they have heard the sound of the apocalypse, and me, hobbling with a shit covered arm and legs Oh my god I can't stop laughing.
Anonymous
>Be innawoods >Be eating nothing but MREs for weeks on end as I ready my body for the inevitable Soviet invasion during which I'll need to live in the woods >Over the days, my stomach expands as my turd baby of justice grows and grows >It begins to move down through my intestines until it reaches the mighty rectal gates that protect the outside world from this mighty brown beast >Realize I cannot contain the glory any more >Don't even bother removing pants, going to a secluded area or even squatting >"FIRING MAIN CANNON" I scream as I relax >I am immediately and violently blasted into the air by the force of my excretion. >As I ascend through the atmosphere above the greatest country on earth, my eyes fall upon a terrible site: Uncle Joe himself riding towards the United States on the back of a missile painted in the gaudy red and gold of the United Soviet Socialist Republics
Anonymous
>>11849529 >Adjust my anus and send my body speeding towards the communist >"Today is a good day to die, motherfucker" I roar as the fountain of shit erupting from my anus powers me through the rocket, my feces overpower the commie magic that makes nuclear weapons work >"Curse yooooooooou...." screams Uncle Joe as he spirals to earth, his fiery mount disemboweled by my freedom-loving body >As I take in the fresh God-given air, my anus starts to falter >I push and I push but it's no use, and the jet of shit fades until it is naught by squeaks >I begin my uncontrolled descent, quickly reaching terminal velocity >The overpowering smell of liberty in the air tells me I'm somewhere over the White House >I plummet to the earth, but just as I close my eyes and prepare to meet the one and only God Almighty, my fall is broken by a massive cushion of eagle feathers >I stand up the the cheers of a crowd of proud, freedom-loving Americans, as the President himself shakes my hand while dressed as a bald eagle >"I did it, pa..." I whisper with tears glinting in my eyes, knowing my pa and Ronald Reagan are looking down at me from heaven. And that's why I advocate eating nothing but MREs, because your country needs you
Anonymous
Quoted By:
I'm never eating ever again
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11849529 >>11849535 Screen caped this mother fucker.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11849535 I literally just opened a jambilaya MRE in honor of this fucking story.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11849535 >overpowering smell of liberty in the air tells me I'm somewhere over the White House 10/10 would salute again.
Shotgun Mike !Gvk6VHejWQ
Quoted By:
>Be browsing /k/ >Be reading this (MRE) thread >loling at people having lolworth shit situations >Realize I have to shit >"naw fuck it I can hold it" >read more stories >lol more >"ok this shit is getting serious" >Try to get out a good fart to relieve pressure >NOPE.jpg >run to bathroom >laptop in hand >sitting on toilet >waiting to see what happens >posting on /k/ So far so good, but I think I'm in for the long haul.
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11845730 I'm on the shitter too, android phone FTSW (for the shitty win)
Anonymous
Anonymous
Quoted By:
Glorious thread is glorious Archive blox
Anonymous
Quoted By:
This thread has been up for 2 days now. I love you /k/
Anonymous
Anonymous
Anonymous
Anonymous
Anonymous
Quoted By:
Lets just say ou haven't lived until you've mixed screech into your cold corned beef hash in the morning
Anonymous
Quoted By:
Not MRE-related, but whatever>be 17 >just ate some taco bell >weird feeling in stomach >sprint to bathroom >get to bathroom >unzipping my pants >pull down pants, turn around >realize i forgot to put seat up >massive chunky diahrrea shit splats on toilet seat >tiny shit splats are on the walls all around the toilet >smells like a million cumsocks >the fuck was in that taco bell
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>Norwegian conscription. >3 weeks in the field. >Nothing but MRE's. >Return to camp, stowing my gear. >Hear laughter and rumpus from the toilets. >Private Hagen had made the most spectacular turd ever. >All black. Standing in the bowl like a tower. And long enough to peek over the edge of the bowl. >20+ conscriptts standing around laughing and taking pictures with their phones.
Anonymous
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>>11845690 I have the traktor in the picture...
No really!
Got it from gramps for my 5th birthday.
Mossey Ferguson red plastic pedal traktor.
My fucking face.
Anonymous
>I'm a cherry pvt >get to my first duty station >pack yo shit pvt anon, we going to NTC >4 weeks out of AIT and I'm on my way to the dust bowl >hanging out in the NTC dust bowl during prep week. pretty cool. get introduced to t-rats and all 12 MREs (this was back in the dark brown bag days) >we roll out to the field, nothing but MREs for breakfast and lunch and some t-rats for dinner if we are lucky, other wise 3 MREs a day >cause I'm new, don't want to crap out in the open in a cat hole, so I don't shit for most of our time in the manuver box >day 8-9 in the box,just after dawn stand to >PAIN! I cant wait, grab e-tool and run off into a wadi >prep for surface laid mine >set e-tool into L shape and sit down on it in the "left cheek sneak" manuever >oh dear god, the pain! eyes bugging out, I can't breath from straining >pressure so great if forces me from a bent position to a semi standing one >I can hear it sliding out of my ass and hitting the ground >two feet of black MRE snake >i'm seeing stars from the straining >the wall of dirt infront of me seems to start moving >wtf? >spiders, spiders everywhere coming out of their borrows in the dawn light >run/stumble the fuck out of their >pant's undone,held up by one hand >other hand strugling to get weapon slung and hold onto other gear >never let myself go that long ever again, >always force myself to take a shit when in the field at least once every 48
Anonymous
> Be swedish conscript > A week in the field > As the stupid ass 19 y/o I am, I decide that I do not want to shit in the forest, I'll keep it in until we get back. > Dawn of the final day > Oh god my stomach! > Pain is fucking unbearable, why would I do this to myself!?! > Keep my shit together long enough to get back to base, find the nearest bathroom and take a seat upon my chinaware throne. > Releasethekraken.jpg > I'm sweating, grunting and moaning like I'm in a german porn video, this fucker just won't budge. > Finally, with a groan from the undying void, it leaves my asshole and plummet into the abyss of the toilet. > One solid turd, broad as my wrist, is sitting in there upright like the sinking hull of the titanic. > With a sight of relief, I flush the fucker and go about my day. To this day, this is the closest thing I've ever come to understanding what it is like to be anally raped. Henchforth, I shat whenever I needed to in the field. Neveragain.jpg
Anonymous
>>11854502 >>11854610 the lessons we truely learn in this life are the ones we learn the hard way, either by pain, fear, humiliation, or some combination of the three.
Courier~ !bwulacYkqY
It's time to tell my darkest moment>Be on vacation with family, was 17 >Eat shit, like literally shitty food all day, no water just coca-cola. >Eat tons of chocolate, apples, rice, all that things that make your ass not spill it's spaghetti for days >I haven't taken a shit in all the vaction >It's been nine days >My ass can barely take it >I try to take it at the hotel >itsnotcomingout.exe >oh shit son >Can't do it >Family and I go to the airport, way back home >Three hours of pain, still to board on the plane >Finally make it >Wait for the plane to take off and stabilize >Itstime.gif >Walk to the bathroom like nothing, I should be in tears, I can feel the shit narrowing and making it's path through >Walk into bathroom, seal door. >Dinamic entry! >Sit on throne, let it out. >It won't. >After ten minutes of agony, I feel something going down my leg >It's blood and shit, mixed in a strange red/black liquid, has small chunks of crap >Keep pushing, I can see the light >Suddenly an enourmous turd falls with all it's weight, like a JDAM. captcha: turde carboum
Courier~ !bwulacYkqY
Quoted By:
>>11854631 PART 2
>Time slows down, I can hear it sliding down my ass and hitting the surface of the water >It spills a lot of black water on me >Start to take paper, clean everything >My god, it's unbearable, I hope no-one enters here >Once I'm all clean, set to go. >Have the flushing! >Water goes away, there's no sound >Suddenly, the pressure pulls the turd, I can hear the vacuum trying to swallow the crap >It wont go away >The shit is wrecked there, waiting >Flush again, kill it with fire. >It won't leave. >After the fourth flush, the whole turd has gone >Open door, look around and walk to seat >Sit down on my seat and act like that never happened. Today, my trauma is so strong that sometimes I can still feel it going down
>mfw when walking back to the seat Anonymous
Uglies Pilot
Quoted By:
>Be inna Ithoria resort on vacation >Just got back from hiking innawoods with a native tour guide, currently in the pool >Guide insisted on eating some of the native flora >Ate 60 metric fucktonnes of these purple and red flowers >Exit pool, now chilling at the bar, shooting the breeze with the bartender >Suddenly hear guide yell "BACKA TOURAQUA NASSAI" at the top of his lungs >Sprints over to the porta johns, but they were all in use >Opens pool filter hole, squats his 2 meter body over the hole >Sounds of a cabin of a plane depressurizing echo through the resort >The fury of 1000 angry saxophones and didgeridoos rupture my ears >Smells like someone liquified a Gamorrean and sprayed the remains in the ventilation duct >Orange and black liquid begins to seep into the pool from the filter hole >Half chewed pedals of flowers in the shit >Oddly majestic >The guide's mouths hang down like satchel handles as he limps away >Never go back to Ithoria
Anonymous
Anonymous
Quoted By:
>be an evaluator for a unit doing FTX >i go over and "check" the water >mfw adding just a few more PPM of chlorine to the drinking water in the water bulls gives everyone on FTX diarrhea. and then i gassed them with CS and put them in MOPP 4 for 2 hours during a summer day.
Anonymous
Oh my God the thread still lives.>be battle-hardened SPC >get reassigned from line unit at Bragg to TRADOC support unit at Benning's Sand Hill >get assigned to cat-herding duty on next FTX (keeping the boots from killing themselves) >get tasked with FTX pre-prep for C 2/47 (a BCT company) setting up STX lanes >DS: Alright you turds! Since you've been fucking up all week, NO HOT CHOW IN THE FIELD >god dammit that means no hot chow for me either >youwillallpayforthis.mov >load my truck up with Jimmy Deans (still better than trying to live on MRE's), have entire ruck full of pogey bait >have buddy deliver me $60 worth of Imodium AD tablets >assist DS in confiscating all the candy and fat-pills from boots' MRE's for 3 days >also gank their gum/coffee >all the boots are looking sickly and bloated >nobody's used the 3 porta-shitters yet (which is a shame, I also stole the TP) >day 4 rolls around >crush up all $60 worth of Imodium >dump in water buffalo >its movement-under-fire-lane day >everyone's sweating their balls off >entire water buffalo gone by 1700 >now everyone's deyhdrated AND constipated >day 6 dawns >not a single boot's taken a shit yet >14mi ruck back to B's >drive fallout truck >spend next 4 hours ferrying 2/3 of C 2/47 to aid station >enough boots were down n out with horrible dehydration/constipation combo they recycle the entire company >fuck you C 2/47
Anonymous
>>11855665 this guy again.
>join army >get deployed >catch enough shrapnel to the gut they have to remove 12ft of intestines and 1/5 of my stomach >RTD'd in 5 months >get sent back to sandbox for last week of deployment >return home >get sent to JRTC >line unit, so no hot A's ever >PL allergic to corn and kosher jew so we get the "special" MRE cases >they contain like NO fiber >diarrhea constantly for all of JRTC >really shitty rotation. Fucked up OC's, a hurricane, and 2 tornados >return from JRTC >whores' club (wives' club) throws a sympathy dine-in >eat like an Ethiopian whose been given an all-day pass to Golden Corral >decide whoever made the creamed corn put fucking cocaine in it, it is the BESTEST THING EVAR >eat like 20lbs of creamed corn >NFI why >itbegins.jpg Continued
Anonymous
>>11855802 Continued
>stomach decides to let me know it is VERY angry with me >intestines trying to escape through belly button to strangle my stupid ass >stand up so fast I knock over my entire table >sprint to shitters >there is a line for the shitters >there is never a line for the male latrines. Ever. Its like man-law or something. >thisisntgood.exe >shove people out of the way >joes, NCO's, fucking field-grade officers. All must part before my fury. >finally get a stall >latrines sound like the predicted battle had the Red Army shot the Fulda gap and the cold war turned hot >BRRT plopplopploBRRRRRRTplopFFFFTOHMYGODBRRRRT from every stall >shitting completely identifiable, completely undigested creamed corn >my shit is golden-yellow and creamy, like I'd taken a load from every horse at the Preakness up the ass >WTF >I haven't had ANY corn, much less creamed corn, at any point in the last 34 days EXCEPT in the last 20 minutes >myintestinesareasuperhighway.feel >spend 40 minutes in the shitter pressure-washing the bowl of the toilet with creamed-corn-shit >excuse myself from the dining-in >barely make it the 200m to my barracks room >elapsed time? maybe 4 minutes >have to sprint from front door to shitter >barely make it >spend the next 11 hours pressure-washing my own toilet with creamed-corn-shit And that was how I found out that white women over 40 cook EVERYTHING with mineral oil.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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Saving the thread
Anonymous
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>>11837064 One MRE isn't bad, you might actually enjoy it. Eat them for more than a week and you're tired of them. After a few months you'll never want to eat another.
Your /k/ommandant !2IVVMfPjeA
Anonymous
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Not mine, and also not an MRE story, but just as good:>Friend of mine is cadet at Citadel >Sitting in stall >stall next to him opens, guy sits down >After a few minutes other cadet yells "THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED!" >Proceeds to take noisiest crap ever
Anonymous
>>11855824 >white women over 40 cook EVERYTHING with mineral oil I've never even heard of using mineral oil in cooking. So glad my mom doesn't use that shit.
Anonymous
how about we mix it up? MRE rat fuck story? MRE rat fuck story>be stationed at The Hood >Fuck Texass >finish up Brad Gunnery Table 12 out at MPRC >last company to shoot, one day back and into recoverery, tasked to give up 20 bodys to police call the entire range >fuck you dismounts, get on the truck >get out there, drop our gear and chow and start the police call and leave PFC Doofus to watch our shit >walk around in the sun picking up spent 25mm shells and links, as well as all the "petals" the tankers didn't bother picking up after their gunnery >lunch time, so fucking hungry even MREs sound good >get back to our gear, WTF? my MRE is open? >everyones MRE is slit open >sundry packets all missing >Doofus was watching our shit, then needed to take a shit, so he cut everyones MREs open to get the tiny bundles of TP, then he threw away the sundry packets. One man can not be this dumb, but he is. >company dirtbag who is a ex-Muhreen silently walks over to Doofus, takes him by the arm and walks him into the woodline >dis gonna be good! >few min later he comes back, no Doofus >few more min later Doofus comes back, left eye swoll shut,fat lip and face red from crying >no salt or hot sauce for my MRE, but it was the best tasting one ever
Anonymous
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I can't top the last few but recently i had a 3 week AT of all pre mob checklist lanes before a mob so it is all pointless.MREs thur most of the first week and into the second.Last week im bloated like a African baby.I had a late night ammo point guard shift in the middle of the woods from 1 all the way to 8am.Finally in the still of the early morning i took a massive shit that filled most of the the portajohn.I think that saved me from worse pain.
Anonymous
>>11855824 I have never heard of anyone cooking anything with mineral oil.
Anonymous
>>11858537 >>11858372 He probably means fake oils like olestra/too much cooking spray.
Anonymous
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>>11858587 Thats not mineral oil.
Anonymous
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not MRE story but>be 15 >camping with dad and his friends >drinking like crazy >eat some spaghetti someone made >think nothing of it >meet girl later in the evening >hooking up with her in my tent at night >SUDDENLY WILD SHITFEELING APEARS >Jump out of tent without explanation >everyone sleeping in RV >run to nearest port-o-shitter >SOMEONE IS IN THERE >try to hold it but no use >pull down my pants and shit right in front of door >largest wettest creamiest shit ever taken >feel accomplished almost >start walking off >about 20 ft away I hear the guy getting out of the shitter and stepping in my shit scream >walk back and fuck the shit out of that girl
Anonymous
>read thread for the last couple days >losing control of my sides while in class, in the library, at my girlfriends house, all over the place >sit at my computer, working on a research paper n shit >glance at /k/ and notice Reaperguy's Punisher thread >keep that in open tab as well as this thread >suddenly a familiar urge rustles my tummy >walk over to the john and drop trau >sit on toilet, a couple nuggets plop out >big daddy lets it's presence be known via ramjet-force fart >begin pushing >PUUUUUUSH >PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH >foot long dookie about an inch and a half wide torpedos out my ass and into the toilet >clean wipe up >assess damage, feel mildly proud >flushes down with no trouble >SKID MARKS ERRYWHERE
Anonymous
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>>11858855 it aint a real shit unless you claw the tiles off the wall from the straining and the pain
Anonymous
Anonymous
Not MRE >Come back from camping in the bush with mates. >We were gone about six days, didn't crap on any of em because fuck that don't want a snake sneaking up on me. >After the fourth day no urge to dump anyway. >Get home, dump my gear and go to the beach. >On my board out beyond the breakers, waiting to pick wave when IT HAS AWAKENED. >The beast is thrashing and demanding release. >In the ocean nothing to grab onto apart from my board, grab a hold drop my boardies and apply all thrust. >Get dumped by a wave but surface, new grip and ride the bastard out of my arse. >IF I DROWN I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME! >The fuel rod of my own little anal-Chernobyl is halfway free. >''Oy mate you okay, you look like your struggling-OH MOTHER OF CHRIST'' >A lifeguard came to my aid but notices my own brown periscope. >Lock eyes and hit the final high note, and my whale turd launches gracefully from my ass like a SLBM. >He rescues me from the danger lurking below us and once upon shore and toweled off gets us both a coke. >Turns out he's a good bloke and mid-conversation here a radio cal. >''We have a situation, a woman was just attacked by an full grown eel...Ah it wasn't and eel...ah nothing further to report. mfw
Anonymous
Reading this has motivated me.>Afghanistan: January 2004 >Since August had been tasked at remote SF firebase providing indirect fire support (81,120mm) >parent unit of firebase's two teams request one section (2 guns, check computer, section sergeant) split off from platoon, go on mission to far more remote area, on border of Pakistan, we also brought a line company along, it was charlie company >rampant shits had terrorized us throughout the deployment, medics issued us little green anti-shits pills to take before departure >took two, for good measure >projected mission time: six days >day five: duststorm at Khandahar, exfil impossible >day ten: rations exhausted, water supply low, but manageable >day eleven: SF decides to purchase herd of goats from local village, which we called "Bitter Water" because the soviets had poisoned their wells with radioactive isotopes, apparently >eat tiny portion of roughly butchered goat, and piece of flatbread that night, also, last half packet of beef stew, sleep uneasily, covered in frost >morning of day 12: still haven't shit, word is chinooks out of salerno are being dispatched to exfil us, because khandahar is somehow still fucked >mortars are first to depart: praise jesus! >helicopter vibration over the course of thirty minute nap-the-earth ride causes the rumbling to begin >arrive at salerno, dump gear, guard assigned, dash for shitters >there are no words to describe the flesh rending agony experienced that day >spring 2007, ETSing >during exit physical, demand service related hemmorhoids be noted, they are >at VA physical after ETS, since they are listed, they have to be checked >"Holy shit." >0% disability awarded for hemmorhoids, but at least they're noted
Anonymous
Anonymous
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>1/3 A Bottle Of Siriachi Hot Sauce >Napalm-Shits.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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>>11861462 VAfag here. There's only one case of partial disability due to hemroids I've ever seen. Some hide in the brush for six months type. The dude's ass basically had to be glued back together. The man was hard as nails, but unfortunately his ass was a POG.
I think he still teaches expert marksmanship and fieldcraft somewhere.
Anonymous
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>>11861197 >my sides, I god my sides Anonymous
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>>11843746 >BLOWOUTSOONSTALKER i lost it.
Anonymous
Not a military story but funny shit story none the less>Currently on an intense cutting routine for my workouts >Have not had any junk food or anything really "bad" for you in at least 3 1/2 months >Come home from college for the summer >Go along with parents and rest of family to florida for a summer vacation >We go to the city area to see a movie >Park 1 1/2 miles away from the theater for some reason >A good half hour walk from car to theater at the pace my family goes >Come out from movie, everyone decides to go to the Coldstones across the street >None for me thanks >Family peer pressures me into getting something and live a little since im on vacation >okay.jpg >Get a large chocolate shake >I know this will lead to atomic shit, but I figure it wont hit till were back at the condo >Milkshake is the tickest, richest, best tasting chocolate I've ever had in my life >Devour that badboy in 10 minutes >Only 15 minutes left until we get to the car >Hear stomach rumble >Oh god. >Stomach starts to hurt and its churning Continued
Anonymous
>>11863742 >I think I can make it back to the hotel so i dont ask to stop anywhere >Start to rush parents, I know the beast is coming >Get to the car, I feel like Im safe >Traffic. Traffic everywhere >Start praying to god, honestly feel like I will shit myself >Im sweating bullets and clenching my asshole as tight as I can >Start screaming at parents to drive faster and get to the hotel >The beast cannot be contained anymore >The wrath of my shit will be felt now >500 yards away from hotel >Can't make it >Dad pulls over in front of a 5 star steak house >I limp my way into the door, I look like I'm going to explode, my hair is dripping with sweat >Ask where the bathroom is >The hostess points her finger to the bathroom door and gives me the most disgusted look Ive ever seen >Hobble into the bathroom and choose the handicapped stall >Theres a bathroom attendent there...he has no idea whats coming >Squat on the toilet, finally feel safe >Give the hardest, most painful push of my life >Birth a log about 1 1/2 inches wide, 6 inches long >Dont feel any better >Oh god. Here it comes >That was only the plug which was containing my anal wrath >Let out the most painful, loudest, and liquid bout of diarrhea of my life >I'm grunting like no other Continued
Anonymous
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>>11863751 >The bathroom attendent coughs and then leaves the bathroom >Shit is still flowing out of my anus >Tears have started to roll down my cheek >Finally, the beast has been vanquished >I finish off the last of the toilet paper >The toilet clogged and shit was starting to flow out the top >Wash my hands and walk out the door into the lobby trying to look innocent >The hostess, several waiters, and a dozen guests have a blank face and are staring at me >Turn around, they put a "Do Not Enter" sign on the bathroom door >As I walk out I hear laughter >Dontgiveafuck.jpg >Return to my hotel and have the soundest sleep of my life >Wake up. Theres blood on my underwear from rips >Dont recover for another few weeks Anonymous
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>>11845144 MY SIDES!!! THEY HURT SO MUCH!!
>plutonium rod Anonymous
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>3h Trainride back home >Takes 7h instead because hurrdurr fuckyou customer >Hamburg central station, get out of the train >rumble rumble >hm i should find a toilet >toilet sign, follow it >sends me in retarded route around Hamburg central >walking kicks something loose >ohboyherewego.jpg >stomach cramps up >shitshitshit still 200m to the toilet? fall down due to stomach cramps>get back up, shit is now sticking out, trying to escape >do crabwalk, police officers busy busting dealer, suddenly stop and look at me >isthereaproblemofficer.jpg? >break down again, squat for 2 minutes desperatly trying to push it back in - in front of cops >see the toilet >crabwalk fast like a motherfucker >LADIES ONLY >ffffffffffffUUUUUUUUUUUUUU >crabwalk to the informations counter >MAM, WHERE IS THE MENS WC >"right over there, where you came from" >realize it was right on the otherside, opposite to the ladies wc >crabwalk back to the toilet >FUCKING TURNSTYLE, NEED TO PAY 1€ >open wallet to find no €, sweat now breaking out on my face >decide to fuck it, jump turnstyle - WRONGMOVE.JPG >racing like a motherfucker to the open stall >sit down, butt is wett, oh great someone pissed on the fucking toilet seat >pain flowing from my anus through my entire body >nothing happens, log of shit is stuck in exit >cant get it out cant get it out cant get it out >flash of mind: get out a smoke, lift it, smoke while enduring the torture >halfway through the cig > MOTHERFUCKING EXPLOSION OF SHIT >log was keeping back pressurerised diarrhea >tubgirl.jpg >back of the stall looks like a jackson pollock of shit
Anonymous
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>have digestive issues all my life >on-again, off-again constipation and diarrhea >in 6th grade >running a race for Track and Field team >in the high jump and 100 meter hurdles >had been constipated for a few days before >was sure nothing would come out now >first event was the high jump >stretching >feel rumblings from below >ignore it, as constipation usually lasts a week >go to high jump >while jumping, feel massive ball of poop slide from intestines into rectum >"oh god why now" >clench while in the air >land on bar >massive ball of shit in rectum is jostled by bar >"fuck you too god" >run to bathroom >shit it out >think it's over >got disqualified for high jump >"it's okay, still have hurdles" >line up to race >more rumblings >"no" >start to race anyway >first hurdle >feel liquid shit sloshing in my rectum >clench that shit >second hurdle >it's getting ready to break out >third hurdle >"unleash the river" >run off track >head to restroom >steady stream of shit pours out >resign from track team >never participate in any sport but golf for rest of middle school/high school >eat plenty of fiber and drink mineral oil now
Anonymous
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This is the best thread ever.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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>>11861462 Mfw I just saw a documentary with that firebase featured.
Did you work with ODA 574?
Anonymous
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Do you guys want to hear one of mine? -Some Germanbro
Anonymous
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Can we get an archive?
Hebrewdamus !bWnTSinS32
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>mfw this thread
Anonymous
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>>11840468 Same here. I have been laughing, crying and coughing the last 5 minutes.
Hebrewdamus !bWnTSinS32
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>>11858514 >why_stalker_is_now_a_civilian_.jpg Anonymous
>Sitting in my leopard 2's driver seat on exercise, its' night, I'm supposed to be sleeping. Who the fuck's bright idea was it to sleep in here? >Oh right, mine. Nevermind >Decide to munch on some MRE components I had traded a pair of EPa's for a case of. >What the fuck is this gum? Fuck that, I hate gum. Skip forward several days, Nothing but EPa's and MRE's, And once, Just once. a candy bar our loader always carried was split between us>Day 10 >What is this absurd feeling in my.. Oh shit.. >PERMISSION TO LEAVE THE VEHICLE SIR! >For what? >SIR, I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT. RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW! >Granted, Don't shit down there, Anon! Shit out there! >Run to the nearest concealed spot that looks good, drop trau, Squat >Push >Paul stanley's live to win begins playing as I bear down. Grunting, Trying to keep quiet knowing some american infantry are with us somewhere nearby >Keep pushing. >To self, Dear god, Is this what giving birth is like? >oh god! OH FUCKING GODS OF WAR! IT'S COMING! ROMMEL! PREPARE FOR A WEAPON OF ASS DESTRUCTION TO BE BIRTHED IN YOUR HONOR! >Most nasty fart ever as a lump of shit bigger thana panzerfaust 3 warhead is expelled out my ass along with a torrent of liquid shit >What the FUCK IS THIS?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHO THE FUCK SHIT ALL OVER ME! >Pull pants up, sprint back to tank, wipe under it, Go long way around and climb back in, All the while Panzerlied is playing in my mind at maximum volume under the tune of a idling diesal engine. >mfw I unleashed something that should be illegal under the rules of war all over a american in a hole.
Anonymous
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Fuck you captcha. I don't speak arabic.>mfw
Anonymous
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>>11868269 hahahahahahhhaa fuck thats the best story yet hahahaaa
theshadowduke !!17lgBbpKusF
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>>11868269 oh god my sides
>pic related Papulu !dCodef2d72
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>>11868269 Oh you silly Germans and your war crimes.
Anonymous
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I'm now expecting some American army vet to say "YOUUU!!!" Hey.. 172nd infantry brigade guy.. If your out there.. I'm sorry for unloading your tax payer's after effects mixed with ours all over your face and gear. P.S:Thank Guderian for positive pressure systems, We could smell it from there.
Anonymous
>>11868269 You fucking cunt. That may have been one of my buddies you shat on. He had a bunch of cuts on his face from going through a bush, too. They got infected and he ended up with an other than honorable discharge.
Anonymous
>>11868350 Pic related. And I've never heard a American say cunt.
Anonymous
>>11868381 But in all seriousness, what were the after affects of what you did? Was there any inter-forces problems? Did anybody ever get in trouble? Stories go around?
Anonymous
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>>11868392 Ehh.. Some of the americans thought another american did it. Some of the other tankers and the panzergrenadiers thought it never even happened,
Plenty of stories went around.. The shit mortar, Some civvie around going shitting on military men at night as some kind of protest, Etc.
To be honest, The guy was sleeping with goggles on and his..What do you call that new ballistic vest of yours with that birdshit pattern on it? he had that over his head, Otherwise it probably would have wen't right down his throat and into his eyes and such
>What a way to die I honestly didn't know he was there till he was screaming.
Anonymous
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this is literally the best thread in the history of existence. the one about the shit ship going down after the fart blew it open literally made me stop breathing i was laughing so hard. my hats off to everyone who contributed a story, i wish i had a decent one of my own to contribute
Anonymous
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>mfw when threat still alive after all this time
Anonymous
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>MFW I came out of a 4 day ex and did a shit that came halfway up the bowl and dissapeared down the plumbing. >Best turd ever
Anonymous
>Eat nothing but freeze dried field rations for 10 days >Take normal shits every other day or so. >The end What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Anonymous
>>11869103 The stories are about as real as the "laxative gum".
Anonymous
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>>11869140 yes clearly this entire thread is a conspiracy, and you have uncovered it.
Anonymous
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I can't stop laughing at jokes involving fecal matter. I think my IQ dropped sixty points.
Anonymous
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>>11869140 Except the gum thing is likely fucking true.
In dental gum, the sweetener they use in most of them, xylitol, has a laxative effect, the gum they are speaking of is probably made to induce a form of "xylitol poisoning", which really just make you have to shit.
Deadpool !!kBsp4Ukt12d
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This is a shitty thread. Tee hee.
Anonymous
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>>11839750 >Culver's chicken strips Anonymous
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>reading this thread >almost done >decide i'm really hungry >go to taco bueno >get burrito >in moment of apathy choose to get the chili sauce on burrity >get back home >see I left this thread up >look at burrito >look at thread >sense of foreboding >take bite >while typing this post nearly choke to death on bit of tortilla I've got a bad feeling about this.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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>>11870588 it proves that its possible for every poster to be full of shit and still have a decent thread...
Anonymous
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I have one, not an MRE one but still a shit one.>Be on vacation in London >Eat mostly shitty foods, fastfood etc. >Haven't shat for 5 days >Day 6 rolls around, go to the London Eye, scared of heights. >Go up, feel a familiar rumbling. >"Oh god not now" >The damn ferris wheel stops at the top to let people exit. >Sit in the middle clenching like crazy and sweating like a drug addict wanting his fix. >A few families keep their kids away from me. >Finally get down, make a bee-line sprint for the nearest Mickey D's >Bump people out of the way and run into the toilets. >UnleashFury.exe >Feel the most explosive shit I've ever had burn the porcelain of that bowl. >Wipe, Wipe and wipe some more. Finish the TP roll. >Exit the stall, have an attendant there. "That'll be a pound sir" >Haven't closed the door completely so the smell follows me out, "Here you go", hand him his pound, "it was worth it", and strut out of there like a boss.
Anonymous
>>11868381 It used to be considered too profane but now that white people don't freak out about other white people saying nigger it's becoming more common. Personally I have found a new favorite insult from the British lexicon. Shitcunt. It's like they took two of the most profane words they could think of and put them together in one beautiful insult.
>>11869140 >doesn't think the laxative gum is an actual thing Are people this dumb? There's a reason they give you gum or coffee in the damn things.
also, funfact, if you've ever wondered why your MREs almost always have tabasco even if tabasco wouldn't be good on the contents it's because (it might still happen, but this is based on what my father told me about the MUHREENS) if you're a bad enough dude you put that shit in your eyes to keep you from passing out on watch.
Anonymous
>>11872192 What I've heard about tabasco (and spicy food in general) is that it's there to make you sweat, thus helping to cool your body.
That's why it's popular in hot places like Mexico or India.
Anonymous
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>>11872227 Could be as well, but I've never heard that. You're usually sweating plenty when you're in the field, unless it's cold in which case you don't want that anyway.
Smith the CIA Agent
>>11872241 Sir...what are you exactly replying to?
Anonymous
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>>11872263 I'm assuming something about chai boys and some anti-semetic bullshit because he is mad he will never have sex with a hot Israeli chick, although I could be wrong.
Anonymous
>>11872263 excuse that, wrong thread (I have twelve open and moved away for a minute to swallow some plankton), please accept this image in lieu of relevance.
Anonymous
>Day after St. Pats day >driving home with my little brother >thatfamiliarboiling.exe >pull into McDs >seat to seat, back to back I am one with the porcelain >i have been holding it in for so long my body does not want to unclench my sphincter. >hold breath and concentrate on relaxing. >pass out from holding my breath >all the muscles in my body relax...including butthole >wake up and wonder why my entire ass is wet >stand up, toilet bowl is full of what looks and consists like split pea soup >go to flush >handle is covered? >wall is covered? >no tp, use shirt to flush toilet >groggily check my ass remembering the wetness >every inch of my butt exposed to the bowl is covered >use shirt to clean my ass >I finally come upon the realization that liquid shit rocketed out of my ass so fast that it turned into a unholy hurricane of shit inside the toilet, where the only release at the crack in my ass which acted like a shit sprinkler pointed up and at the wall. >whathaveidone.jpg >leave McD's shirtless >mouth "I'm sorry" at janitor >"where is your shirt?" brother says MFW I don't want to talk about it
Anonymous
>>11872393 is this copypasta?
Anonymous
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>>11872429 no, i wrote it out
It happened to me, fucking green beer super shits a few years ago.
Anonymous
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Oooh, I got one.>Be hiking >decide to hardcore it (I was a little shit as a teen) >MREs, MREs only >1 week out innabush >still haven't shat, my idiot self thinks it's because all the humping around >half way into the second week >it's time >find a tree to lean on >dig a small hole out taking my time, trying to not over exert myself >breathing exercises >windows has encountered an unexpected error while trying to run shitting.exe, retry y/n? >y >lean there for an hour and a half trying to get rid of this buttnugget >the war is won, and I find myself weak from the fight >pass out from battles past >wake up in a shit filled hole, not entirely sure how I got there >use half the TP rations I brought with me cleaning shit off my ass >decide it's time to stop operating in the forest
Anonymous
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>>11872329 >be in Iraq >post invasion, left out in middle of nowhere to guard something >short dude in my platoon, like 5 nothing, and maybe 140 >is a hard charger, even made it through sniper school >decides he wants to start working out again >all we are getting to eat are MREs >he starts asking everyone for their MRE shakes "for the protien" >eats 3-4 shakes a day >I know what's coming >day three, I round a corner and see him sitting there, head in hands >every now and then he lifts his head >pain etched on his face >everynow and then I see him convulse a little >he gags like he's going to puke >runs to shitter >in there for awhile >finally comes out, hobbles away >I move in to do BDA >shit everywhere, on the seat, down the front of the shitter and on the floor >over chlorinated buffalo water and MRE shakes do not mix well after that he couldn't even look at a MRE shake with out getting this look, like he wanted to yak
Anonymous
>Canadafag here, come back to Canadia after 10 days of drinking my face off in Ireland. Literally did not sober up, just started the days with shots. Contiki tour... >By the time the trip was over I was a mess, stayed out drinking till 4am then a morning flight, I'm shaking like an alcoholic going through withdrawal, people look at me funny on the plane home, customs bro asks "had a rough day" >Very next day had to drive 700km back up north to work at the mine, still under the weather. Some McDicks quarter ponders with cheese help get me over the superhangover >a few hours later the rumbling starts, like ominous thunder in the distance. Oh no this can't be good... >maybe I'm make it to the next town, only 75kms... hit up Timmies and let loose the dogs of war >bowels reply "nope.jpeg" >the spasms start, they come in waves, my intestines are in turmoil tbc
Anonymous
>>11875016 >I know there's a picnic area up ahead, they have outhouses. oh god I think I can make it, only a few more kms >this knowledge only increases the fecal urgency of over a weeks worth of Guinness and Jameson's running riot through my insides >I'm sweating like a whore in church from the mix of pain and terror, ass cheeks are slipping and sliding together, knuckles are white as I clench the wheel >I see it up ahead, ohgodihopeitsempty, asshole is clenched tighter than a convict's during his first prison shower >urgency has now become panic, don't know if I'll make it, so close yet so far >I pull into the lot like the cops were chasing me, don't park, up onto the grass across the park, stop my car literally next to the outhouse >bolt from the car grasping at my belt, fling open the door as I claw at my pants, desperate to get them off in time > I start to bend over when it erupts, what can only be described as a geyser of green/black putrid shit fluid escapes my ass checks and splatters over the toilet seat and wall behind it, I remain in the squatting position, relieved yet defeated, unable to sit down and enjoy the release of my demons >I cleaned myself up and peaked outside to see if anyone had witnessed my crime, thankfully the coast was clear >back in the car and drive away as fast as possible, that outhouse was unsalvageable, they'll have to burn it to the ground, it's haunted now like the well in The Ring >always wonder what the MTO cleaning crew thought when they discovered that paint job... Anonymous
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>I am 15 at the huge Boy Scout Jambo at AP Forthill, VA >We are there for 15 days >All we get are MRE's >Day 2, 72 hours remain, going on fine. MRE's are still tasty and have normal bowel movements >Day 3, 36 hours remain, stomach and lower intestines getting a bit upset but don't mind >Day 4, 12 hours remain, it's noon, I don't feel good >Day 5, 12 AM I wake up in immense pain in my bowels. >Run to the strange ass shitters they set up, mind you we are on an active Military base and have MP's everywhere in each subcamp >Pull pants down and grasp the tops of the half ass made stall walls. >OH MY GOD! It hurts to good in the beginning. Loads of diarrhea, you know that feeling. >It stops but my stomach doesn't and the pain gets worse, I start biting my tounge >Now I feel something crowning my asshole. ITS FUCKING HUGE, and it hurts. I bite the tip of my tounge straight off being so tense in pain and pushing. >AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!>Its 12 am on an active base, everyone went to sleep 3 hours ago. Life is brought back to life in the sleeping subcamp 3. >Everyone and their patrol leader come over to the crappers >Over 100 people come running to my location. >They see 15 year old me in an over flowing shitter and covered in blood. At least those guys dying took attention away from my embarrassing night. I got my tounge stitched and after that trip will never eat MRE's.
Anonymous
Anonymous
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When I was a kid, I simply didn't shit. After a point the shit gets too big and painful to pass, so I didnt. I think I went maybe once a month? There were a whole host of bowel problems that I don't want to get into. To this day I have a macrocolon, which basically means that I am quite literally filled with shit. I can comfortably go over a week without pooping, simply because I can hold so damn much. Naturally, my asshole hates me.
Anonymous
I think this is the largest thread on any board that ive ever seen. Serious props to OP
Anonymous
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>>11875605 not to mention it's been active for like 3 days now
Anonymous
>>11875605 how long have you been here a week?
there have been (sticky) threads with well over 100k posts
Bi-Polar Hernandez !KuKq0dYqkQ
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>>11843746 >headbutts tree in panicked escape Good lord I'm crying.
Anonymous
>>11875666 I've been on /k/ for about two years and I've never once seen a sticky. Do they happen in the summer or what? I'm not on in July and August for the most part.
Anonymous
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Time to eat some more fiber plus, thanks for reminding me. I've had hemorrhoids and occasionally ripped my asshole from big shits, it is not fun. Eat your fiber, drink your water, shit well, live well.
Anonymous
>>11875975 there was a sticky for the libya revolution, it got well over 10k posts
Anonymous
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>>11876308 Wait, shit, you're right. There was one when the BOPE was slapping shit in the favelas, too, wasn't there? I guess the mod only does good image threads.
Anonymous
>>11875605 >I think this is the largest thread on any board that ive ever seen It's only 263 posts but yes, it's rather persistent for a /k/ thread.
Anonymous
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>>11879557 it might not be the largest in total number of posts, but this isnt really like one of those shit furry threads where people just post a picture, these are all solid paragraphs of reading. It'd take well over an hour to thumb through most of these replies. Never seen a sticky either by the way.
Anonymous
The worst that usually happens to me is that my shit gets pretty intense so I take my shirt off. But one story does come to mind...>Be 17 >Spring Break >On the way to West Virginia for a mission trip >Everything starts out fine >We stop at a convent to stay the night and drive the remaining portion the next day >Stomach feels a little funny, I drop a more watery than usual shit, but it's still solid >Think nothing of it, go to sleep >Wake up the next morning >Something is definitely going on down there >Oh God please not now >I'd like to add in that a group of guys got White Castle, and it really fucked a guy up TBC...
Anonymous
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>>11880151 >We go to tour a church on the convent land >Except for me and this one guy, we're in the bathroom shitting our brains out and if we're not doing that, we're throwing up >While on the toilet, have a deep philosophical conversation about what the hell we did to deserve this >I finally throw up for the last time this trip, but my bowel escapades are only just begun >We go to a different place to attend Sunday services >I get halfway through service, discreetly excuse myself to the back of the church >Am literally pissing liquid shit out of my ass when I get to the toilet >This is not ok >After services, weak stomach, attempt to nibble crackers, still want to shit my brains out >Run back in for one final escapade in the toilets >Made it to West Virginia without further incident >Didn't shit until near the end of the trip, thank God it was solid this time. Anonymous
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>>11841610 OH GOD! It's even worse when I'm doing rounds in the ED and we have to get MRIs of the old ladies Intestinal tract because the feces-density is interfering with the pelvic/lumbar X-rays.
the fuuuuuuck
Anonymous
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bumpa bumpa bumpa...
Anonymous
Anonymous
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Ahahahahahahahahahaha this thread is fucking STILL alive!>Exquisite
OKLAHOMA FUCK YEAH
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THIS THREAD SHALL BE IMMORTAL
captcha
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>>11841425 will be back with sauce. Taking browns to the super bowl.
Anonymous
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>Basic Training, first real field exercise >we get supplied "normal food", not MREs >day 2, first time feeling the need to shit >every time I'm ready to go to the shitter something happens : an officer / NCO comes to order us do something else so I can't shit in peace >day 3, I'm getting desperate but my plans to go for the shitter are thwarted by rain, guard duty and training sessions. Without fault, every single time there's something coming up that prevents me from going to the shitbox. >day 4, I'm considering shitting in my sock while on fire guard and explain I just lost the sock somewhere. >dawn 5, barely holding it in. Struggle to keep it inside in anticipation of getting back to the barracks and going to a real shitter. >day 6, got back to the barracks. Hot shower and the most satisfying shit I have probably ever taken All in all, it was a terrible week but fortunately for me and unfortunately for the greentext potential the end result wasn't an ass-shattering megashit. All I can really say that it's really uncomfortable to do a lot of physical activity when you're almost constantly worried you're going to shit yourself so the next time I ate a whole lot less during the exercise, thus reducing the chances of colon-rupture or just being extremely uncomfortable for the duration of the exercise.