Cotonou, BENIN -- President Bush embarked on a sweeping tour of Africa this week, in search of a new country to invade during his last year in office. The continent was a complete mystery to Bush, who previously knew it only as "the place from which those Democrat-voting African-Americans come from." In a tour given by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, the first thing the president learned was that Africa actually consists of multiple countries, some of which even have English as their official language. "And I always thought they all speak Afrikaans," joked Bush, who was later surprised to discover that Afrikaans is in fact an actual language.

White House staff prepared a long list of nations ripe for invasion, but the President was very picky. Number one on the list was Sudan, whose authoritarian government has done nothing to prevent genocide in its Darfur province. Aides thought the President would love to "spread freedom" there, but he rejected the idea upon learning that Sudan contained no useful natural resources. Next on the list was Libya, whose dictator Muammar Gaddafi openly mocked America in the past, and has been known to support terrorists. However, since Gaddafi sucked up to Bush and didn't oppose the invasion of Iraq, the President decided spare his country. "Gaddafi can serve as a model for other world leaders - as long as you are my lackey and do what I say, I won't bomb you," Bush explained...
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