The President or Prime Minister of Russia was defeated in single combat today by the mother of his latest mark.  This marks the first time that Mr. Putin has ever been defeated and given up a target.

Mr. Putin received word of an unruly subject a few weeks ago and decided to eliminate Mr. Sadkov to prevent further harm to Russia's image. “I thought that this would just be an ordinary hit,” said Mr. Putin from his hospital bed in Moscow. “Never in my worst nightmares had I imagined the terrible horrors that awaited me.”

At 23:05 GMT Mr. Putin neared the Sadkov home and proceeded to the basement, where he saw a large, ape-like figure huddled over the crotch what appeared to be a pathetic excuse for an adult human male. The figure turned towards the door and growled at Mr. Putin before attacking him.

“I swear that the beast was kicking me with five legs and hitting me with seven arms,” Mr. Putin said as the FSB brought him the official report. The report contained confirmation from the DNA found in Mr. Putin’s fingernails that the monster was the mother of Nikita Sadkov. This ends speculation that the monster was created as a weapon by the United States and send to destroy the great Russian society.

“I am definitely not going to face such a foul creature from the gates of hell again,” said Mr. Putin, “Nikita Sadkov can live, for now.”

-- Associated Press