/r9k1/ - ROBOT9000 (Feb. 2008 - Jan. 2011)

[299 / 0 / ?]

Anonymous !1FFOdh16V6 Thu 06 Jan 2011 10:59:00 No.12797421 View View Reply Original Report

Quoted By:

>friend plays prank with cigarette lighter on me
>patch of facial hair on left side is now shorter
>secretly use girlfriend's mascara to even it out
>great idea at the time
>go to dinner with girlfriend and her cousins
>lean on hand, mascara everywhere
>girlfriend gives me funny look
>pokerface

Your pokerface moments, /r9k/

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:50:00 No.12801427 Report

Quoted By: >>12801446 >>12801452

>Some young age, recently discovered limewire porn
>Dad doing some cleanup on the computer
>"Son, what is this?"
>File named boy_pissing_in_own_mouth_preteen_pedophile_etc.jpg
>Eternal pause
>"umm ...I downloaded a pokemon zip and this was inside"
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:50:00 No.12801430 Report

Quoted By:

>on facebook, looking at guestlist to event i was invited to
>doorbell rings, friend of mine
>he comes over to the computer
>'Oh, shit anon. can I check my Facebook? our internet's been out for a few days'
>'Uh sure, just sign out of mine.'
>he gets on computer, first thing he sees is a list of teenage girls, one of which was his sister
>pokerWHY.jpg

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:52:00 No.12801446 Report

Quoted By:

>>12801427
Oh lawd, I was so innocent when I first found porn as well

>Blatantly looking at porn on google images with father on other side of room
>Risk googling a website
>Whenever I push close another porn site opens
>Dad walking over
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck
>Um... I was playing runescape and this popped up!
>Pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:54:00 No.12801452 Report

Quoted By:

>>12801427

I remember those Limewire days and all the false names.

>"Hey dad, I got this song you asked me about!"
>MY FELLOW AMERICANS I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH THAT WOMAN
>stop preview
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:55:00 No.12801473 Report

Quoted By:

>This thread is moments from death
>Let out a loud sob
>Glance around room at roommate
>Pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:57:00 No.12801487 Report

Quoted By:

>sitting on a hill at night in the rain with some people i don't really like that much
>one of them pulls out a pipe, a lighter, and a vial of 35X salvia
>inhales, passes it, exhales, reduced to peels of shrieking laughter
>next guy inhales, passes it to me, exhales, gets up and starts running backwards while repeating "where's your head at... where's your head at..." over and over
>why not, i think. inhale, put it down, exhale
>realise they're all staring at me, somehow able to remember this when the world transforms into a picture book, then explodes into greens and reds, before i witness the hill we're standing on shredded by apocalyptic machinery
>aware that i'm on a drug
>poker face
>they never believed me when i told them i was tripping

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 18:58:00 No.12801498 Report

Quoted By:

>home alone
>sitting at my computer in a lawn char because my chair broke
>awkward to get up out of
>been drinking a bit
>stand up, starting to fall backwards
>"whooah"
>waving my arms to keep balance
>"WHOOOAH"
>still falling over
>"WHOOOOAAAAH!!!!"
>manage to get away from computer but im still falling somehow
>my room is messy so im trying not to step on anything
>screaming at the top of my lungs
>trying not to fall
>look at my door to make a quick escape
>all my room mates are standing there looking at me
>they were going to tell me something and they got there just as I was standing up, they saw the whole thing
>remember im tall and just hold onto the ceiling
>one foot on the ground, one in the air, one arm holding a beer, the other straight up with my palm on the ceiling
pokerface

>one room mate says "I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE CHAIRS, BRO"
>I pokerface harder and pretend that wasnt the funniest thing ever

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:03:00 No.12801528 Report

Quoted By:

> wintery night
> fapping
> pants down to the ankle
> friends coming drunk
> you are fapping? oh sorry man *laughter2
> yeah
> continue fapping
> mother fucking pokerface

the next days they made fun of me, for a month straight, pokerfacing the whole month

North London Sparring Partner

North London Sparring Partner Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:09:00 No.12801577 Report

Quoted By:

This happened 5 minutes ago
>I'm on a bulding site without any jobs to do
>Go to a small room and find myself a nice corner to stand in near a coworker
>2 imigrant labourers that I have tension with come in and start talking to my coworker
>Poker face when they start discussing the very corner I'm standing at, all pointing at it and scheming ideas to do with the corner

whitey !!l1uzVs/or

whitey !!l1uzVs/or Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:25:00 No.12801715 Report

Quoted By:

>have house party with parents still home
>screw some girl with huge breasts on parents bed
>father walks in
>"GET THE FUCK OUT"
>finish off like a boss
>see father down stairs later
>"Hey anon, she had really big tits huh?"
>pokerface

>Having sex with some girl in her room, mother knocks on door
>dressed with the speed of a thousand suns
>"femanon come downstairs for dinner, bring your friend"
>sitting at table directly below her room
>pokerface

>sitting naked at pc fapping
>grandmother knocks on door asks something
>reply with something something "in a minute"
>she replies something about being on the computer
>turn around, door is ajar
>pokerface

>finish like a boss anyway after she's gone
>OH GOD IT'S FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY
>everything covered in cum
>floor covered in cum
>dog comes in and starts licking the floor
>stops, looks at me
>pokerface

>Have rough violent sex with girlfriend on bed
>end of bed can be seen from next room
>5 - 6 friends in next room
>they realise sex is happening
>someone puts on "Fuck her gently"
>fuck her real hard, mattress flying all over the place
>finish like a boss, dress, walk out into room
>pokerface
>she doesnt come out until they leave

>skipping at work, skip through big plastic style doors
>hit head violently on the frame
>everyone sees this
>pokerface
>hey anon you're bleeding

>have scar on neck, looks like a lovebite
>"DURR WHATS THAT ON YOUR NECK HAHA AWW DURRPA HERP FUCK DERP"
>"a scar from when i had cancer"
>pokerface
>everybody pokerface

>be desperate make out with some not so aesthetically pleasing girl at bar
>unaware friends nearby
>"hey anon come here"

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:44:00 No.12801864 Report

Quoted By:

>standing in line for something
>woman with dat ass in front of me
>keeps bumping me with it
>boner
>she notices
>"Thats my wallet"
>forgot Im holding wallet in hand to pay in line
>put wallet in pocket
>doesnt fit in, too much spaghetti inside
>jam wallet in, spaghetti falls out
>"That is also not mine"
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:55:00 No.12801940 Report

Quoted By: >>12801962

> wake up, morning wood, very thirsty need drink
> go to kitchen with boner tucked in elastic belt of my pants
> brother friend who is also my friend is there
> hey anon long time no see
> does one of those hugs where they squeeze hard and try to lift you up.
> feel his stomach on my boner
> he for sure feels my boner on his stomach
> p-p-p-poker face

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:55:00 No.12801947 Report

Quoted By:

>Was watching 1Man1Jar for the first time
>Dad walks in half way through to ask me something
>pokerfaced so fucking hard he just backed out of the room

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 19:57:00 No.12801962 Report

Quoted By: >>12802090

>>12801940
>be at a friends house
>his brother comes down to get a drink
>I say "hey anon, long time no see"
>mfw when I'm gay and saw his boner
>enjoy every second of his boner on my tummy
>pokerface instead

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:09:00 No.12802047 Report

Quoted By:

>>12797907
And you use your hands?!

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:15:00 No.12802090 Report

Quoted By: >>12802148

>>12801962

>in room with friend
>in walks my younger brother
>obvious hidden boner
>friend notices it and hugs him
>both seem to enjoy it
>poker face

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:15:00 No.12802091 Report

Quoted By:

Toasting in an archived bread

Also bump

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:20:00 No.12802126 Report

Quoted By:

>Walking out the door while talking to a coworker
>Putting stuff in car and staring back at dat ass as she walks back in
>Start to drive off and she comes running after me laughing
>"You left your coffee and paper work on the roof of your car"
>Pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:21:00 No.12802128 Report

Quoted By:

>the end
>poker face

Vinnie

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO cant-read-my.jpg, 17KiB, 400x379

Vinnie Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:21:00 No.12802135 Report

Quoted By:

> at a friends house
> friend is playing labyrinth puzzle
> friend shits pants
> friend asks for towel
> neither of us can stop laughing
> his parents come in
mfw

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:23:00 No.12802148 Report

Quoted By:

>>12802090

> im a kitchen table
> 2 guys hugging with boner and their friend watching while fapping furiously
> pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 20:32:00 No.12802191 Report

Quoted By:

>read poker face thread
>open Pandora in another tab
>first song plays
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 21:44:00 No.12802762 Report

Quoted By:

>predrinking bottles of vodka with friend before uni dorm end of year celebration night
>drinking more at event
>sitting next to gf at the time
>start feeling her up
>shes not drunk enough
>feed her drinks
>she gets drunk as i get even more shitfaced she starts to play a little
>hear my name get called dont realise
>hear my name and look around
>everyone looking at me, massive boner in my pants, gf on me, drunk as fuck, received an award didnt know i was getting
>SPEECH
>Nonono too drunk
>Pokerface

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1289978958356.png, 346KiB, 626x679

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 21:50:00 No.12802799 Report

Quoted By:

>fucking ex on the bear rug in my parents bedroom
>very rough, loud screaming
>hear a car door slam
>put on pants, no time for underwear
>lightning speed
>brother comes running up stairs
>walk out of parents room
>no shirt on, all sweaty
>"oh hey anon"
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:07:00 No.12802925 Report

Quoted By:

>Underage and with a bunch of underagers publicly drinking in park
>two cops pull over, we don't notice since they were driving a normal car
>OH SHIT OH SHIT
>cops split group in two and each takes details
>my turn
>"oh no the other policeman already took my details"
>pokerface
>"oh okay"

Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:08:00 No.12802943 Report

Quoted By:

Goodbye, sweet thread

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:24:00 No.12803087 Report

Quoted By:

>Sunny summer's day.
>Be drinking underage in quiet bit of a public park.
>Friend overindulges on vodka. Passes out, vomits everywhere, passes out again.
>See two police officers approaching, doing a lap of the park.
>Slowly and calmly collect drink bottles, shove them in somebody's bag and spread freshly cut grass over the vomit patches.
>They walk by, joke about unconscious friend, who we pass off as napping.
>Pokerface.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:24:00 No.12803092 Report

Quoted By:

>pokerbump

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:30:00 No.12803142 Report

Quoted By:

>Drinking underage
>Pigs show
>Asks me my address
>I start to say it
>Pig interrupts me
>That'll be in <local town name>, in <local county area> (UK) right?
>It's not
>Yup.
>Poker face

>Security guard searching friend
>Finds weed
>It's not much, near enough a gram
>This is all there is right?
>Yes, officer
>Well. You seem to be quiet and out of the way, I'll let you boys off, get out of my sight.
>Thanks officer, goodnight, bye officer, sir, sir...
>I have two ounce on me

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:46:00 No.12803308 Report

Quoted By:

>Primary school, waiting at slip-thru for mum to pick me up
>Really need to pee but not sure if I can go/get back in time
>Piss pants accidently
>Pokerface, bag on lap
>Mum comes, walk to car..Pokerface, bag in front of pants
>Sit in car, Pokerface..bag on lap
>Get home and run to door
>Mum grabs my bag with a strange look on her face
>POKERFACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Never poker'd so much in my life.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:51:00 No.12803336 Report

Quoted By: >>12803395 >>12803412

>>12797498
>>12797467

Thats from Seinfeld you jackass

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:54:00 No.12803395 Report

Quoted By:

>>12803336

Can't put anything past this guy.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:56:00 No.12803411 Report

Quoted By:

>staring at hot teachers cameltoe as she walks around spewing chemistry crap
>Look up to see her just finished asking me a question--staring at me the whole time...staring at her vag
>Pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:56:00 No.12803412 Report

Quoted By:

>>12803336
Stop taking this board so seriously.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 22:59:00 No.12803429 Report

Quoted By: >>12805704

>work with a 9/10 female who acts super interested in me, surprising to a shut-in ginger computer nerd like myself
>become semi-friends, hang out a couple of times at her place (with her live-in bitch of a male roommate)
>go to the bar with her and see her when she's drunk, realize she's just a major flirt and a stereotypical self-entitled slut passing out gender double standards to anyone who will listen, no longer interested in knowing her
>cut off contact except for work shit, stop being friendly,
>she comes up to me yesterday "what's wrong did I do something to upset you"
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 23:03:00 No.12803483 Report

Quoted By:

Right now:

>sitting in university lounge area
>several people around including hot girl directly across the way
>reading pokerface thread
>read bonerhug
>cannot pokerface
>read tall guy lawn chair
>cannot pokerface
>try to laugh silently
>try to hide my face sort of
>outright laughing to myself at my computer alone in lounge
>bookmark page
>get up to go out for a smoke
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 23:09:00 No.12803536 Report

Quoted By:

>St. Patties day with GF
>She gives me head behind bar.
>Cop shows up and asks where I live
>He notices my gf lift her head up from my lap
Dive home safe kids
>ANOTHER COP RIGHT BEHIND HIM
>Asks me the same questions but is a huge asshole.
Are you drunk anon?
>Pokerface

----------------------------------
>@GF's house gettin' busy
>Mom busts in talking about her day at work
>A half hour later she says "Anon take Anon to your dads work the car is ready.
>Our clothes were clearly in front of her
>She knew

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 06 Jan 2011 23:41:00 No.12803728 Report

Quoted By:

>walking down road with girl i like
>stop
>make out with her in the middle of the street
>both start giggling
>old granny behind us
>turn around
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 00:04:00 No.12804003 Report

Quoted By:

>bumpifications

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 01:16:00 No.12804907 Report

Quoted By:

>laying with bf in bed
>in underwear
>"Hey, boyfriend, where did you get those marks on your shoulder?"
>"I got into a fight"
>"A knife fight?"
>"Yes."
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 01:28:00 No.12805107 Report

Quoted By: >>12805704

>knew girl was coming over so i put condom on to be ready
>we start making out on my bed
>she goes lower
> start's undoing my pants
> realise im still wearing condom
> she exposes me dick, then stares at me
>pokerface

MYturNAMEtlesIS !!jIcPNMSVB

MYturNAMEtlesIS !!jIcPNMSVB Fri 07 Jan 2011 02:11:00 No.12805704 Report

Quoted By: >>12805758

>>12805107
Why the hell would you put the condom on at all? Are you retarded?
>>12803429
She was drunk, fuckhead, you ruined a possible relationship with a hot girl because you're a jealous little crybaby.

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 02:16:00 No.12805758 Report

Quoted By:

>>12805704
why the hell would you put a name on on an anonymous imageboard? Are you retarded?

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 02:21:00 No.12805823 Report

Quoted By:

>be at boyfriend's house, he lives with his family
>nighttime so both naked, i need to pee and cba to get dressed
>his little sister is outside the bathroom and sees me nude
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 02:31:00 No.12805932 Report

Quoted By:

>family reunion a week ago
>wake up early to go take a shit
>don't feel right pooping unless I have something to read
>pick up the first thing I see
>cosmopolitan
>shitting
>hear talking coming down the hall
>door opens (it didn't lock wtf), it's my aunt, mom and two cousins
>pfffpbbbbbpbbt
>pokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 02:51:00 No.12806226 Report

Quoted By:

>be a kid
>run mum a bath
>drop one of those alien slime things into the bath
>"thanks for running me a bath anon"
>"No problem mom"
>POKERFACE

>several minutes later
>she screams
>"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN HERE
>pokerfacepokerfacepokerface

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 03:06:00 No.12806468 Report

Quoted By:

>>Be 12
>>Girl Sitting next to me In Class, I fancy her.
>> Had A bad lunch should we say
>> Pffbbbbt
>>Thought It was safe
>>Get a death stare from Girl
>>Pokerface

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO pokerfacebloodtear.png, 22KiB, 342x291

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 05:28:00 No.12808467 Report

Quoted By: >>12808801

>wife is stupid-obsessed crazy animal lover
>visit long distance friends with wife
>friends have pets, has dog, some birds, fish, a cat, and a new baby cat
>talk about pets and how new cat is being raised as an outdoor cat
>wife says she heard somewhere that putting mayonnaise in cat's feet will leave a trail so it can find its way back home
>friends listen to advice
>go sight seeing next day; that evening drive home
>during drive home wife gets a call
>wife talks, something is wrong, she gasps and her eyes start watering
>wife hangs up and says new baby cat is dead
>baby cat was found dead with all 4 feet chewed off and dog has bloody mouth
>...
>pokerface so hard a blood tear falls out

Anonymous

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 05:55:00 No.12808801 Report

Quoted By:

>>12808467

That's terrible. I hate your fucking stupid wife.

I'll dress her like a little boy and send her to a priest.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1294293581157.jpg, 18KiB, 342x291

Anonymous Fri 07 Jan 2011 06:30:00 No.12809327 Report

Quoted By:

>dad says hes going out for a few hours
>home alone, decide i may as well get ripped
>10 cones later im fucked, can barely walk
>dad comes home after 30 mins says something happened
>decides to talk to me about drugs and asks "have you ever been offered drugs"
>pokerface

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