Hello friends. I have a serious dilemma. It's been gnawing at me for days.

It started one day when I had, for the first time in my life, been invited to a house party, a friend of a friend's, who owned an extravagant mansion.

I was really nervous so I didn't drink much and mostly wandered about and chatted to the best of my capability. No spaghetti.

It was kismet that I wandered into a room where one of the school cheerleaders was lying alone on the bed at 3 A.M., who, from my perspective, was passed out drunk.

Now I'm not desperate. 9 years till wizardry, but I had never even kissed a girl before, and so I practiced making out with her lips. She was a huge slut (if what my friend, who's a douchey preppy kid who's popular with the popular kids, tells me is true, and if her Facebook duckfaces mean anything, anyways) and I thought, why shouldn't I have my share? I poked her around and pinched her hard - nothing. I tried to remember how she was doing that night and remembered that she drank quite heavily, shot after shot and never without a beer in hand.

I wasn't worried about or anything because she's WASP and uppercrust and had good health care I'm sure.

Perfect, I thought.