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This is Not Alpha Legion Misinformation

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:43:00 No.18847587 View View Reply Original Report

We all know the tales of Abaddon's 13 mighty Black Crusades and the great suffering they inflicted on the followers of that damn corpse god. What we don't all know is the stories of the lesser Black Crusades, the ones that didn't quite make it into the mighty tomes of the Historium. Gather round, gentle fa/tg/uys, and I will tell you of Crusades past.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:44:00 No.18847606 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847587
meow?

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:46:00 No.18847634 Report

Quoted By:

1. Stolen by the Blood Ravens. Er, we mean, is a holy relic of the Blood Ravens
2. Due to a mixup, accidentally raided the Eye of Terror instead of Imperial controlled worlds
3. Disappeared quietly, location unknown
4. Forgot to enable the grimdark generators and was destroyed by a competently led Imperial force
5. Due to Warp shenanigans, accidentally time traveled to before the crusade was launched. Crusade was cancelled due to headaches caused trying to figure out causal links

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:51:00 No.18847683 Report

Quoted By:

5.
6. Due to an oversight, this crusade was led by Kharn the Betrayer. It was mysteriously betrayed. What a great guy.
7. Failed when Traitor Marines forgot to feed the little heads on their armor
8. Failed when traitor Mechanicus accidentally enabled the Geller Fields on their ships, de-possessing all forces
9. Papa Nurgle loved this crusade too much.

Apologies for the delay between posts. Warp damned spam filters don't like this list much.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:52:00 No.18847692 Report

Quoted By: >>18847780

10. Accidentally vaccinated troops against the Obliterator virus, causing loss of heavy firepower
11. Failed because Abaddon has no arms
12. Killed by 2 Fire Warriors hiding behind a Devilfish
13. CREEEEEED!!!
14. Got distracted playing fetch with the Space Wolves
15. Stole Rowboat Girlyman's pants and called it a success
16. Ran out of gas by the Cadian Gate and had to call AAA
17. This crusade, sponsored by Malal, was taken down by a copyright infringement lawsuit
18. Due to a numbering error, this crusade never happened
19. Someone left the stove on when trying to assault Cadia. The resulting fire burned down the whole fleet.
20. All members of this Crusade turned out to be Alpha Legion in disguise

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:53:00 No.18847703 Report

Quoted By: >>18847723 >>18847760

Long lists.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:55:00 No.18847723 Report

Quoted By:

20.
21. SQUAD BROKEN!
22. Got kicked out of the tournament for using loaded dice
23. Failed when traitor legions' Land Raiders were recalled for faulty or missing turn signals
24. This Black Crusade was entirely composed of traitor Squats. It was eaten by a Tyranid when no one was looking.
25. Due to Creed, an Imperator Titan hiding in a mailbox was able to ambush the Crusade

>>18847703
What do you expect? There have been ten thousand years of Black Crusades.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:56:00 No.18847735 Report

Quoted By: >>18847744

26. Ran into 1 unarmed fluff grade Astares, died horribly
27. Gork did it. No, Mork did it.
28. This crusade was led by followers of Tzeentch. They managed to ambush themselves. This was considered a success.
29. Was thwarted by this guy with a scarf in a blue box
30. Got distracted trying to see if they could take on Star Wars ships

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:56:00 No.18847744 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847735
Go on.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:57:00 No.18847759 Report

Quoted By:

31. Turns out you shouldn't wave red flags at Khornate berserkers
32. Lost the keys to their fleet, couldn't find a locksmith in time
33. This fleet's still waiting for the new Dark Eldar codex to be released so they have allies
34. Forgot to get a permit to attack Cadia, had to leave right after they arrived
35. This crusade, led by the legendary traitor Astares legion the Procrastinator Marines, starts, er, tomorrow

Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8

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Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8 Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:58:00 No.18847760 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847703
>A Juvenile Equestrian
My sides.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:59:00 No.18847774 Report

Quoted By: >>18847997

36. Both the crusade's leaders and the leaders of the Imperial forces opposing them were traitors to their side. The crusade was canceled in the resulting confusion
37. Trashed Ultramar, was retconned into having never existed
38. Fought 2nd ed Tyranids, ran out of ammo for swords. We're not sure how either.
39. Should have taken a left turn at Tyranis.
40. Sold the ammo and cultists off and told Abaddon it worked. He fell for it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 03:59:00 No.18847780 Report

Quoted By: >>18847841

>>18847692
21. Traitor mechanus forces decided to field test a new weapon they called "Skub" during this crusade, there were no survivors
22. Vikings got there first
23. Was cancelled due to tyranid infestation
24. Highly successful, unfortunately the "chaos forces" in question were actually poorly disguised orks
25. Fell apart when over 40% of chaos forces were wiped out simultaneously due to severe peanut allergies

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:01:00 No.18847809 Report

Quoted By: >>18847841

You suppose a Black Crusade was ever derailed by Spiderman?

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:01:00 No.18847811 Report

Quoted By: >>18847855 >>18847961

Alas, this is the end of the list of failed Black Crusades that the Historium has been able to find so far. If it is so desired, more records may always be unearthed.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:04:00 No.18847841 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847809
Good sir, I assure you that Spiderman is directly responsible for no less than 3 failed Black Crusades. Alas, I have yet to discover the true story of those great losses for the Ruinous Powers

>>18847780
Hey! That's accurate information! Don't post that here, this is a clearly marked disinformation thread!

Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8

Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8 Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:05:00 No.18847855 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847811
Moar.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:12:00 No.18847961 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847811
Come on now, my good man! Archeology ahoy!

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:12:00 No.18847980 Report

Quoted By:

41. Orks mistook traitor legions for lobsters, chased them with giant crab crackets and mallets
42. Spiderman webbed a Titan's leg, causing it to trip, causing it to knock of the rest. Just As Planned.
43. We're not sure what actually happened, so we're blaming M.att W.ard.
44. Defective, confused genestealers took everyone's pants.
45. Ships in fleet were painted fuscia, which turns out to be the Orkish color for “fails to attack the Imperium”

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:15:00 No.18847997 Report

Quoted By: >>18848026 >>18848110

>>18847774
41. Naaa na na na na na na naa Katamari Damacy~
42. Was actually a concert tour of a supergroup formed of several highly successful metal bands, let us pray that carnage of this magnitude never happens again.
43. Bolas did it
44. Jace showed up and ruined everything
45. Somehow ended up in sigil, there were no survivors
46. We would have gotten away with this one if it weren't for those meddling kids and their stupid dog!
47. Entirety of chaos forces annihilated by bearded mute with glasses and a crowbar wearing orange metal suit

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:16:00 No.18848020 Report

Quoted By:

26. Crusade cancelled after a Ahriman sells the gathered military forces to a Rogue Trader in exchange for a "totally genuine" map of the Webway.

Map turns out to lead to a small box containing 3 thrones and a piece of string.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:17:00 No.18848026 Report

Quoted By:

>>18847997
>Katamari Damacy

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:20:00 No.18848060 Report

Quoted By: >>18848140

45.
46. Eldrad, CREEED, The Deceiver, Spiderman, The Emprah, and Tzeentch all forgot to Just As Planned this Crusade
47. Codex update nerfed the army right before it attacked
48. Eaten by the Emprahesque
49. Particularly dumb cultists were told to shoot anything that moves, then told to move
50. Forgot to post sentries when they left, so the Eye of Terror was briefly a Blood Raven historical artifact

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:23:00 No.18848110 Report

Quoted By: >>18848206 >>18849887

>>18847997
48. Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
49. Was heroically defeated by the legendary grey knight, sir mixalot
50. The gps of the chaos forces broke and they ended up somewhere in Kansas, most were killed by angry corn
51. Completely wiped out by the Spanish
52. Half were sacrificed to huitzilopochtli, the other half drowned in the resulting rainstorm
53. Was cancelled due to eyjafjallajokull erupting

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:25:00 No.18848133 Report

Quoted By:

51. Orks decided Defilers were spiders, built giant rolled up newspapers to kill them
52. Crusade got in the way of Mechanicus that heard of a surviving STC, got trampled in rush
53. Tried to use plasma weapons on Grey Knights
54. All members of this crusade suddenly repented for their sins, rejoined the Imperium, and were shot for heresy anyways
55. Volcano erupted on the flagship of the crusade. Creed blamed.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:25:00 No.18848140 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848060
>50

That never gets old.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:30:00 No.18848206 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848110
54. Mass suicide after reading entire FATAL rulebook
55. Defeated by ragtag team of nine color-coordinated mercenaries
56. Died of dysentery while trying to get to Oregon
57. Consisted entirely of squats, disappeared afte

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:31:00 No.18848222 Report

Quoted By: >>18848330 >>18848380

56. Ran into the Angry Marines and the Reasonable Marines
57. Got pulled over for speeding
58. Titan princeps couldn't find out how tall Titans actually were, wrecked Titan trying to go under a bridge
59. Ambushed by an army of purple Orks. They never saw the Orks.
60. A man bitten by a radioactive arachnid tricked them all into saying “Candlejack”

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:35:00 No.18848274 Report

Quoted By:

This thread needs to be saved for posterity

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:38:00 No.18848317 Report

Quoted By:

61. Asked Bjorn the Fell Handed for a bedtime story one too many times
62. Tried to drink Space Wolf alcohol, got beaten up by alcohol
63. Got distracted trying out how magnets work
64. Found a lost Primarch, promptly lost it again
65. Tried to reattach Abaddon's arms, found out at end of surgery that arms were cleverly disguised Baneblades

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:39:00 No.18848330 Report

Quoted By: >>18848417

>>18848222
Dear god...
Reasonable marines attempting to reason with or lead beser er I mean Angry Marines.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:42:00 No.18848380 Report

Quoted By: >>18848417 >>18849109

>>18848222
61. Stairs
62. Destroyed by rioting Canadians
63. Kobolds blew it all up
64. Couldn't find the keys to the fleet
65. Completely annihilated by a housecat

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:43:00 No.18848388 Report

Quoted By: >>18848396

Alas, I'm running out of good ideas for the moment. I take it that there is popular demand for more Tales of the Black Crusades, so I'll try to write moar and follow up.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:43:00 No.18848396 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848388
as am I

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw.

caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:44:00 No.18848417 Report

Quoted By: >>18848454

>>18848380
Number 64, see number 32.
>>18848330
Maybe I should write this story. It sounds remarkably entertaining, and I'm not sure which army would frustrate the other more...

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:46:00 No.18848441 Report

Quoted By:

27. Crusade suplexed by martial artist.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:47:00 No.18848451 Report

Quoted By: >>18848582

66. Got distracted playing Black Crusade.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:47:00 No.18848454 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848417
fine;
64. Rust monster infestation

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:55:00 No.18848582 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848451
67. Destroyed by terrorists
68. Derailed by old man Henderson
69. Turned into a massive orgy after everyone realized they were all serving slaanesh
70. Attempted to attack used camel salesman, once again there were no survivors

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:56:00 No.18848609 Report

Quoted By: >>18849296

http://chanarchive.org/request_votes

This does seem worthy of preserving for future lulz.
Get to it, men.
We'll need 3 more requests in all for auto-archiving to trigger.

>pic tangentially related

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:58:00 No.18848636 Report

Quoted By: >>18848648

How many crusades are we even up to?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:59:00 No.18848641 Report

Quoted By:

Alright here's my attempt, be gentle...

>70 (I have no idea what number we're on): Due to one of the hereteks having fat fingers, Abaddon invaded Canadia instead of Cadia. In the winter. There were no survivors.
>71: Information was received that an Alpha Legionairre had infiltrated the Crusade. No one survived the resulting search/panic.
>72: Trazyn "acquired" Abaddon's topknot. There were no survivors.
>73: One of the World Eaters decided to play some arcaeomusic by a group called "Anaal Nathrakh." There were no survivors.
>74: Abaddon's dog ate his invasion plans. There were a few survivors.
>75: Word Bearers ran out of cigarettes before making it to Cadia.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 04:59:00 No.18848648 Report

Quoted By: >>18848708

>>18848636
Three.
Pic related.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:03:00 No.18848708 Report

Quoted By: >>18848722

>>18848648
sauce?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:04:00 No.18848722 Report

Quoted By: >>18848735

>>18848708
http://chanarchive.org/request_votes

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:05:00 No.18848735 Report

Quoted By: >>18848755

>>18848722
>2012
>Not using Suptg
ISHIGGYDIGGY

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:06:00 No.18848749 Report

Quoted By:

We're up to 104 crusades now by my count

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:07:00 No.18848755 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848735
Better to cover multiple angles, in case of xenos.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:08:00 No.18848767 Report

Quoted By: >>18848790 >>18848802

105. Cancelled due to mass rustling of jmmies

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:09:00 No.18848790 Report

Quoted By: >>18848839

>>18848767
106. Pool closed due to discs of Tzeentech

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:10:00 No.18848802 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848767
106-110: All performed by Reddit. All were successful, but were notably unoriginal.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:13:00 No.18848839 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848790
107. Happened during mass pauldron shortage
108. Forgot to pay electric bill

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:15:00 No.18848857 Report

Quoted By:

70. Renegade battle barge 'The Rainbow Warrior' is successfully engaged and destroyed by Astartes of the Azure Cockerels. Puts an end to the entire crusade.
71. Numerous inaccuracies in planning and tactics are pointed out by a neckbeard with a copy of the latest codex, crusade abandoned.
72. Chaos forces successfully land on Cadia only to be beaten back by a force made up from a superior codex.
73. Every one forgets the meltaguns, hilarity ensues.
74. A boy and some old guy in a DeLorean make the entire crusade fade from existence as it turns out the kid is his own grand father, or something. It probably had something to do with Tzeentch.
75. Southpark parody the previous crusade, everyone is too wrapped up in the resulting lawsuit to remember to set off.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:22:00 No.18848976 Report

Quoted By:

Bump

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:31:00 No.18849109 Report

Quoted By:

>>18848380
#65.
Well, whaddya know...

Anonymous

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Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:47:00 No.18849296 Report

Quoted By: >>18849358

>>18848609
>Using chanarchive rather than suptg
>Implication being you browse /tg/ and that you are not aware of suptg, or even worse, you think chanarchive is better
>pic related

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:51:00 No.18849354 Report

Quoted By: >>18849384 >>18849611

109: The Tau lent a squadron of titans to the Imperium's cause.
110: A lone wanderer somehow talked Abbadon into abandoning this crusade.
111: Snakes on the cruisers killed most of the crew.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:51:00 No.18849358 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849296
Just as planned...

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 05:54:00 No.18849384 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849354
except for one renegade salamander

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:10:00 No.18849611 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849354
wait
the guy from new vegas got into space how?

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:11:00 No.18849619 Report

Quoted By: >>18849635 >>18849732

112. Cultist-chan somehow got to the fleet-wide speaker system.
113. Written by CS Goto [STRICKEN FROM RECORDS]
114. Ran into a ladder, chair, table and rope factory when Jackie Chan was visiting it.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:12:00 No.18849635 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849619
>114
Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:20:00 No.18849732 Report

Quoted By: >>18849771

>>18849619
>[STRICKEN FROM RECORDS]
For what, slaughtering, torturing and defiling Eldar horrifically, all in loving detail? Sounds perfectly Chaotic to me.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:23:00 No.18849771 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849732
It was an embarrassing combination of a kid sticking a twig into the entire fleet and MULTILASERS.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:23:00 No.18849786 Report

Quoted By:

115. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!
116. Crusade made it to Holy Ter-- *CLANG* What the fuck was that?
117. Abbaddon distracted by a kitty cat
118. Pauldrons prevented traitor marines from lifting their arms. They were slain by a single Guardsman with a pointy stick.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:30:00 No.18849887 Report

Quoted By: >>18849911

>>18848110
>Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
I'm surprise Slaanesh isn't arrested yet.

Anonymous

Anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:32:00 No.18849911 Report

Quoted By:

>>18849887
He was, but his lawyer was awesome.

anonymous

anonymous Wed 25 Apr 2012 06:42:00 No.18850056 Report

Quoted By:

119: slaaneshi discovered /b/

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