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Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:47:00 No.7567173 View View Reply Original Report

Self recovered schizophrenic here. Thought I'd share my story, maybe it might help one of you out there. I'm not going to get into my crazy thoughts/dreams as much as what I believe lead me to it, to maybe give anyone else suffering an idea or two to help yourself with something that doesn't involve a drug.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:48:00 No.7567179 Report

Quoted By:

can I use kool-aid to die my hair?

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:48:00 No.7567182 Report

Quoted By: >>7567206

>Self recovered schizophrenic here
>Self recovered schizophrenic
>Self recovered

That's not how it works.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:48:00 No.7567183 Report

Quoted By: >>7567192 >>7567238

>>7567173
When I was a child I was terrified of the dark. I would have constant nightmares, pseudo-hallucinations whenever I had a fever (including a very vivid visit from hatman.)

It was terrible and I thought it would never ever stop. Eventually it did, but at a late age (I couldn't sleep in my room alone until I was 12 or so).

I had severe depression from ages 15-22 (23 now), it was kicked into high gear when I lost the girl I loved to my best friend at age 18. It turned more severe and roller-coaster like at that point. I was a fatty from 11-17, and at that point I had finally lost my insecurities and felt confident (gained modest amount of muscle/tone, my face chisled out and people told me I was quite handsome.)

So to deal with the emotional pain I was having then I went from being a virgin at 19 to sleeping with 15 or so girls, beautiful ones. They were the girls that were in the popular crowds when I was in school, the ones that didn't look twice in my direction when I was chubby and invisible. But the incredible high and satisfaction I got would either the next day, or the same night, come crashing back down. I could never forget her and the more I tried to cover it up the worse it got.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:49:00 No.7567192 Report

Quoted By: >>7567206

>>7567183

Around age 21-22 I started to develop chronic pain. In my balls. My fucking. Balls. Was on opioids for maybe 8 months and they were the only thing that killed the pain, and yeah, I enjoyed the high too. But the tolerance and withdrawals were terrible, and they brought back my nightmares. When I'd try to sleep it felt like I was falling out of my body and would wake up violently, like when you fall asleep while sitting up and your head starts to fall down and you sharply wake up.

Then a friend introduced me to good ol' Mary Jane. It felt like something sent from god. It killed my chronic pain. It made the opioid withdrawals feel like NOTHING and I was able to stop them cold turkey. For once I felt genuinely happy. It made my imagination and creativity SOAR (particularly in music, being a jazz saxophonist.) I became a pothead and for a time, it was really good.

Then I started noticing that I was getting easier and easier for things to scare me. If I was hanging out toking with my friends and they'd tell some sort of I don't know, urban legend or anything paranomal/frightening I started to experience the same terror as a child, and sometimes I'd have to yell at them to stop.

Eventually I had to sleep with a light on. Eventually I started to think people/things were following me. At one point I thought all the white vans that drove behind me were after me. I'd try to just push it all out of my mind but it wouldn't work. It just kept getting worse, and eventually my body and mind started to feel numb. I couldn't feel the insides of my hands, then my feet, then my arms and legs, then my torso, then the front of my head. I started wondering if I was becoming a psychopath because I was showing absolutely no emotion and found that I was losing all of my empathy.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:50:00 No.7567206 Report

Quoted By: >>7567238

>>7567192

I cut myself on accident and actually enjoyed the pain, because at least it was SOMETHING I could feel. I never turned to cutting, but actually jumped right to suicidal thoughts. When my entire body felt numb I became convinced that death was preferable. I wrote a suicide note to my family and balled my eyes out, which was actually nice because again, I was feeling nothing. constantly.

I filled the tub with hot water because I could FEEL the heat. I hacked up my left arm with the intention of bleeding out, thinking it was the least painful way to go. It took longer than I expected and I thought oh, just nick the aorta and be done with it. Some voice sCREAMED in my head "NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP. DON'T DO THIS. FUCKING NO."

Called the cops, went to crazy house, lied my way out and refused any meds except for low low low dose zoloft. Then it hit me.

It was pain, fear and pain, fear of pain. I never truly dealt with anything, just avoided it one way or another. Repress this, use a drug to conver that up, fuck this fuck that. At this point I was getting muscle spams/siezures everywhere too. Pot stopped helping a LONG time ago, it would just give me panic attacks.

>>7567182

yeah well, that's just like, your opinion man.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:53:00 No.7567226 Report

Quoted By: >>7567238 >>7567418

I learned a specific way to meditate that took me out of it. I would focus as hard as I could, and try and "turn off" every single cell in my body, and try to imagine everything connecting as it ought to. When I felt pain I didn't reflexively cover it up (which is what my head was doing).

I told myself to accept pain, that it's important, that it's here and it teaches you a lesson about something and covering it up will just make you lose yourself. I had to face all of the emotional pain and shitty things I've done in my life. I accepted that they were bad things (I was always fooling myself when I did something wrong, justifying everything I did with bullshit explanations) but that I did them to try and deal with real pain I was having. Not because I'm a bad person.

My body started to ache, like a fever. I had migraines again. But over time they died down and I could FEEL my body again. It took months and it was VERY gradual, but It feels so nice to feel again. It feels nice to have my boring little job delivering pizza. No more anxiety, no more bouts of fear and paranoia, I just finally feel normal. It's crazy, I can't believe I went through what I did. I feel so "normal" that it sounds absurd to even recall all of this, like I've woken up from some terrible tream.

Well that's all. Thanks for listening.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:53:00 No.7567232 Report

Quoted By:

*claps*

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:55:00 No.7567238 Report

Quoted By: >>7567275 >>7567290

>>7567226
>>7567206
>>7567183

>says he has recovered from schizophrenia
>still talks to himself

Anonymous

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Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:58:00 No.7567271 Report

Quoted By:

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 03:59:00 No.7567275 Report

Quoted By:

>>7567238

tough guy, u so tuff.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:01:00 No.7567290 Report

Quoted By: >>7567325

>>7567238

Um yeah, ocassionally. I've done that my whole life and I'm pretty sure everyone does to a small degree. What I'm more happy about is being able to sleep, not thinking the government is after me, not thinking I'm some sort of paranormal thisorthat to cover up my problems etc.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:03:00 No.7567300 Report

Quoted By:

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember, everything

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:05:00 No.7567325 Report

Quoted By:

>>7567290
Everyone talks to themselves, friend.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:19:00 No.7567418 Report

Quoted By: >>7567472

>>7567226

Nice, man. Wish I could recover too. I'm bipolar and in constant pain, I can't believe I'm going through so much shit. Wish I could quit my meds though. Dunno, they changed me.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:28:00 No.7567472 Report

Quoted By:

>>7567418

Well, I'm not trying to be ANTI med here. I won't pretend to know everything but I don't think anything can permanently change you like you think you've been changed. I think a lot of physical problems can manifest themselves from very rigid thinking over time.

What works for me won't necessarily work for you. Though, if I were you I would try and make the tiniest positive changes to my thoughts and actions every day and watch them accumulate.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:30:00 No.7567486 Report

Quoted By:

A little while back I lost my mind for a while and I know what you mean when you say it's crazy to think about it. It's like how the fuck could I, ME, ever believe the shit going through my head was real? I'm still kind of depressed but some unrelated recent events have mainly caused that. I'm not sure exactly how long I was in this paranoid schiziphrenic state or how I got out but I know it was really bad for like a 2-3 week period. It happened out of fucking nowhere too. I can't imagine being like that for years. I always get scared thinking of the possibility of going crazy like that again and sometimes I can feel myself slipping into that mindset. I'm not sure if what I experienced would be considered schizophrenic or if my head was just full of fuck, but I know that I wasn't myself. Also when I started re-gaining sanity my body would ache randomly, get really hot and then cold, and my head always hurt, similar to you. This only lasted a week or so though. Anyways, its nice to know someone had a somewhat similar experiance, and thanks for sharing.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 03 May 2011 04:32:00 No.7567500 Report

Quoted By:

This thread is dildoes.

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