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Ghost Poop

Anonymous !!JnNEV8oITnF Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:44:00 No.8836412 View View Reply Original Report

My research has convinced me that there could be some sort of wormhole in the
space-time continuum in which poop is free to move from one universe into a
parallel universe. Additionally, this process is capable of occurring in reverse ---
for example, when you poop what you think is a rather insignificant poop but, upon
inspection, you find that apparently a large brown submarine has surfaced in your
toilet.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:45:00 No.8836417 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

We call this phenomenon "The Valsava Hypothesis." It was named after the
Bulgarian proctologist Brakov Valsava, a man truly ahead of his time in the study
of poop physics. Dr. Valsava vanished one autumn afternoon after doing a TV
interview at which he made wild proclamations regarding the wormhole theory. It is
widely believed that he was taken by Russian intelligence (possibly the pooping
wing of the KGB) to reconstruct his experiments in a lab somewhere in Siberia.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:45:00 No.8836419 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

Society as a whole has benefited significantly from the invention of the
flushing toilet. Prior to this invention, the general population was forced to do
their dirty business into unsanitary receptacles, and dispose of their excrement as
they saw fit -- which meant that sometimes it was simply thrown out the window.
It has been argued that civilized society and proper sanitation systems have
gone hand in hand. However, with the advancement of said sanitation systems, the
human race as a whole has encountered one of the most puzzling phenomenons of our
short, sanitized history: The Ghost Poop.

Odds are very good you've encountered it, either by hearing stories of it or
experiencing it first hand. Either way, it has left you, and thousands of others,
grasping for words.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:46:00 No.8836424 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

What is a Ghost Poop? To put it simply: you have planted yourself on the toilet
and are going about your routine. Once you feel you have sufficiently emptied the
contents of your lower GI, you begrudgingly begin the process of wiping. Upon
inspection of the TP, not a trace of fecal material can be found. Bewildered, you
stand, look into the toilet, only to realize that there is nothing in there either.

By this time, feelings of utter despair and confusion have encompassed your
entire being. You sit back down, with your only option being to wipe again,
thinking you may have missed "ground zero" with your initial pass. Wipe... yet
again, nothing. At this point, you exit the bathroom, looking back at the toilet
as you leave, wondering what had just happened and what mystical cosmic forces are
at play.

The Ghost Poop. After experiencing this phenomenon multiple times throughout
the span of my pooping career, I began searching for answers.

My quest led me to the research of renowned Bulgarian proctologist, Dr. Brakov
Valsava. Dr. Valsava was a man with an incredible passion for pooping. As a
youth, Brakov encountered the Ghost Poop, (called Lu Osturug Kagat by his village
elders) many times. He made it his life's purpose to determine the cause of this
phenomenon.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:47:00 No.8836427 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

After exploring several potential causes, including aliens and underwater
gnomes, Valsava came to the conclusion that the only plausible source of this
phenomenon was the presence of some sort of crack in the space-time continuum ---
possibly a wormhole -- found in toilets that allowed feces to move from one universe
into a parallel universe.

His findings were supported by another phenomenon, although not as frequent but
equally puzzling: The Mystery Loaf, the opposite of the Ghost Poop. This has
occurred when you look into the bowl to admire your work, expecting an average,
run-of-the-mill turd -- only to find a brown Leviathan that has somehow managed to
pass through you bunghole unnoticed.

Imagine the possibilities of Valsava's wormhole theory -- the transportation of
poop through space and time! Your Mystery Loaf could be in fact the Ghost Poop of
some famous and important historical figure. Or, vice versa! Your Ghost Poop could
have made a trans-dimensional journey through space and time to become Julius
Caesar's Mystery Loaf!

Because of his unfortunate disappearance, Dr. Valsava was never able to finish
his research. So I have taken it upon myself to see if his findings have any
scientific merit.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:47:00 No.8836429 Report

Quoted By: >>8836468

I lol'd.I lol'd a LOT,and it's pretty hard to stop,that made my day

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:48:00 No.8836438 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

In order to determine if the wormhole theory is plausible, I had to do research
on wormholes themselves. First, I needed to determine what exactly a wormhole was.
My research led to the following (from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes):

Wormholes are theoretical shortcuts through space and possibly time. A wormhole has
two entrances, which are situated in different places, and are connected by a
tunnel in hyperspace. Wormholes make third-dimensional distances shorter by
transporting matter or energy through the fourth dimension.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:49:00 No.8836441 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

That being determined, I needed to figure out if wormholes only occur naturally,
or if they can be somehow manufactured. I managed to attain the following (also from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes):

Do they {wormholes} naturally occur in space, or do they need to be created
artificially? If they do exist at all, there is a pretty good chance that they
appear naturally, but it might also be possible to create one artificially. Here is
one theory:

Get four identical sheets of metal (same size, chemical composition, etc.).
Leave them in pairs slightly apart. While keeping them perfectly parallel,
separate the two pairs to become the entrance and exit of the wormhole.
Electrically charge each plate with an immense amount of energy. This would
require quadrillions of times the amount that the most powerful machine on earth
could ever harness. We would probably need to destroy multiple stars and collect
their energy in order to have a sufficient amount.
When something is placed between one pair of sheets, it will be immediately
transferred within the other pair.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:50:00 No.8836446 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

This exposition pokes some holes in Dr. Vasalva's theory. First, the amount of
energy required to create a poop-wormhole would surely vaporize the transient (the
turd, in this case) into an unrecognizable entropy of particles. Second, and more
importantly, I find it highly dubious that my colon, or indeed anyone's, is capable
of harnessing the energy of multiple stars. At best, I could harness a single
star, but even two is pushing it.

Further research is underway analyzing the material properties of porcelain, in
order to determine if it is indeed an ideal conductor of enormous amounts of
energy. But the results have thus far been inconclusive.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:50:00 No.8836453 Report

Quoted By: >>8836698

After identifying the material requirements to create a wormhole, I have
determined that Dr. Valsava's theories are not sufficient to explain Ghost Poops
and Mystery Loafs.

Although revolutionary and quite exciting, it looks as though the wormhole
theory has no scientific merit. Mankind will simply have to live with this
phenomenon for many years to come. Hopefully there are many more young Brakov
Valsava's out there to someday solve this quandary, and finally answer the question
that's haunted mankind for centuries:

When you drop a Ghost Poop: you know poop comes out, wipe... no poop, look in
the toilet... no evidence of poop... where does it go?

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 2980283179_50a50c52c8_o.jpg, 72KiB, 1000x260

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:51:00 No.8836456 Report

Quoted By: >>8836468

I look forward to your findings.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:53:00 No.8836468 Report

Quoted By:

>>8836429
>>8836456

Thank you both for your support

V.exe !!JnNEV8oITnF

V.exe !!JnNEV8oITnF Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:54:00 No.8836475 Report

Quoted By:

This thread is made of a massive load of win :D

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO 1316655605143.gif, 620KiB, 180x178

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 01:58:00 No.8836493 Report

Quoted By:

V.exe !!JnNEV8oITnF

V.exe !!JnNEV8oITnF Tue 18 Oct 2011 02:33:00 No.8836656 Report

Quoted By: >>8837658

>>8836641
Hey I was referenced! Deja vu...

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 02:39:00 No.8836670 Report

Quoted By:

OH GOD THIS IS THE BEST THING I READ ALL DAY IT NEEDS TO BE ARCHIVED

Anonymous

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Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 02:45:00 No.8836698 Report

Quoted By: >>8837908

>>8836412
>>8836417
>>8836419
>>8836424
>>8836427
>>8836438
>>8836441
>>8836446
>>8836453

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 03:07:00 No.8836772 Report

Quoted By:

This is beautiful.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 05:48:00 No.8837658 Report

Quoted By:

>>8836656

Fucking tripfag.

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 06:19:00 No.8837899 Report

Quoted By:

OP here, keeping this thread in the front pages

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 06:20:00 No.8837908 Report

Quoted By:

>>8836698

Something of the sort

Anonymous

Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 06:21:00 No.8837916 Report

Quoted By:

OP again, I have a 5 layer burrito from Taco Bell on the way to me, in hopes of more tests to conduct tonight.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Tue 18 Oct 2011 08:18:00 No.8838879 Report

Quoted By:

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